I didn’t think that parenting would involve yelling “STOP being Seahorse Michael Jackson NOW” at 07:30 on a Monday morning but here we are

35 comments

1. When mine was 3 he woke me at 6am and I had to pretend to be Rudolph eating a sackful of burgers. In July.

2. yeah parenting is never always Black or White

3. Kids can be Off The Wall, sometimes.

4. Could you give us a brief overview of Seahorse Michael Jackson?
   It raises many questions.

5. Was it Sea Horse Michael Jackson before or after the nose job??

6. Hee hee!

7. Oh, I love it when you have to use a brand new phrase when parenting.

   ‘Get your willy off the window, now!’

   ‘You’re not licking the eggs. No, it’s not up for discussion!’

   ‘No, I can’t see your breakfast if you bend over in the nude, your mother was joking.’

   ‘Why are the carrots in your bed? What do you mean ‘the scared creature put them there’?’

8. At least they’re not being pink butthole seahorse Michael Jackson.

9. My youngest spent a year (age 5) pretending to be a cat. Would only answer to the name Jasper and hissed at passers by.

10. This post reminded me of Parks and Recs: there is no more quiet there is only Duck Mcstuffin 😂

11. A kid of about ten said hello to my four year old on the way into school last week and when I asked how they know each other, my lad said ‘I told him I was gonna shoot him in the peanuts and then we just turned friends’

    Fair play

12. My 5 year old spends at least 20 minutes a day as Whiskers the cat. He will only eat Whisker-bix and cat-eerios for breakfast.

13. This morning it was “no you can’t put slime in a bagel and pretend it’s jam” she also wanted to give the slime bagel to her friend on the walk to school. Her counter was “what if I put the slime in the middle of real jam?” Real jam is red and the slime is bright green…

14. My most memorable wake up moment (excluding any vomit induced occasions) was a tentative whisper of “mummy… Captain America fell in the toilet and he’s stuck”

15. My five year old very loudly and out of the blue asked “Mummy, when I die can I have a funeral” on a packed train the other day.

16. Everything being a game all the time is so exhausting and makes me feel like such a Grinch!

17. Son: I wonder if orangutans are tangy?

    Me: We don’t eat orangutans.

    Son: Why?

    Me: because they are like people.

    Son: We can eat people.

    Me: We can’t eat people.

    Son: Maybe just eat the bad people?

    Me: We don’t eat orangutans or people!

18. You missed a trick with Seaheehorse

19. mine likes to play a game where we chase each other round the house being michael jackson and by that i mean we chase each other shouting “hehe” , i’m sure if anyone can hear us they must think we are mad

20. Never in my wildest dreams would I have predicted that I’d be here, in 2024, having to tell my teenage kids every couple of days to PLEASE STOP SINGING THE BACKSTREET BOYS “TELL ME WHY”!!! 😵‍💫

21. Between the ages of 3 and 5, my son was utterly convinced that Michael Buble lived in a burrow in our garden and sent us a Christmas card every year. *Utterly* convinced.

    Now this is 100% something I would have told him if it had occurred to me, because it’s hilarious. However, he came up with it entirely by himself and was very matter of fact about it.

22. My children are scared to go upstairs in our house because there’s ghost up there. My (then) four year old made up the ghost, he remembers making it up, but he scared himself so much in the process that neither he nor his brother will go up there without each other lest the imaginary ghost get them. It’s been two years.

23. When my eldest was about 5 or six he was sent up to his room to get himself dressed. He reappeared about 10 mins later in just trousers, no top, but holding two plastic swords. He tells us ‘I couldn’t find my shirt, so I brought my swords’. Okay kid. 🤷

24. Going back many years, shouting at my youngest to stop him ramming toast and jam into the video recorder or stickleback down the back of the gas fire.
    Where they melted and poured black smoke into the living room

25. I have been saying to my husband a lot recently that I should write a book of things I never thought I would ever have to say. My latest one “stop digging a spoon into your winky”.

26. The amount of stuff that ends up coming out of your mouth, that you thought you’d never ever say is insane.

    ‘darling can you stop sweeping the floor with the leeks please’

27. Lol seahorse Michael jackson 🤣 😂 😆 😅

    I had to tell my wee girl last week “no you can’t take my eyes with you to your grannys”

    She was poking about my eyes abd when I asked her what she was doing, she told me she wasnts to take my eyes with her to show her granny lol

28. Yesterday my 7 year old wanted me to go to Tesco at 6.30pm on a Sunday evening to buy glue in order to make slime.  After her asking about 5 times and me saying no and Tescos is closed and you need a bath before bed I said “I can ignore you asking longer than you can keep asking for”.  I’ll never, ever make that mistake again.

29. Last week, I had to tell my 9yo son to take his toes out of his nose.

30. “Stop licking the floor!”

    I was heavily pregnant, stuck on the loo at the maternity centre, and my almost 2 year old was licking the floor, just out of my reach. When I came back into the waiting room there was a clear split between first time mums looking at me in horror, and the others with “yeah, been there”.

31. My favourite parenting moment was having to shout at my then 5yr old “YOU DONT LOOK AT THINGS WITH YOUR BUM”.

32. …yeah I work with kids

    “I DONT WANNA HEAR ANOTHER WORD ABOUT YOUR DOG’S PENIS” is the house fave for “did you actually have to say that???”

33. “Nobody’s a sexy onion! I don’t want to hear it!”

34. My husband jokingly referred to a Kylo Ren figurine our four year old daughter was playing with as “Mummy’s boyfriend” (my celeb crush is Adam Driver). Took a week but we finally got her to stop telling everyone “Mummy has a boyfriend, he’s black.”

    Because she doesn’t yet understand colour in relation to skin and Kylo Ren fully masked, well his costume is literally black. My husband is white. That was a fun week at nursery pick up explaining I am not in fact having an affair with a black man in full view of my daughter to the nursery staff and hoping to all gods that none of it could be misconstrued as racism.

    Never did I imagine having to tell my kid that the “Mummy has a black boyfriend” is an INSIDE THE HOUSE ONLY joke.

35. Thank you for this post.

    I’m not having a good time lately, the little bastard in my brain keeps trying to kill me, and today I’m not yet out of bed. It’s been rough.

    But Seahorse Michael Jackson and the subsequent things you never thought you’d hear yourself say have had me chuckling and really made my day. Thank you.