Why the Netherlands create the worst people on Earth: A scientific reason for the enshittification of all “persons” who live in Dutch territory

Ladies and (let's be realistic, mostly just) Gentlemen, good evening. As a resident of the Isle of Saints and Scholars, I always knew, someday, I'd use my natural scholarly abilities (more on the topic of national traits later) to somehow further human knowledge and understanding, and today, finally, the time has come.

For too long now, all the top philosophers in our glorious European institutions of learning have been too busy pretending to ponder the deep questions in between huffing glue to recognise the TRUE mystery at the crux of all things; the mystery is not what is life, or consciousness, or anything like that. Those are simple, mere trifles – the answers are, respectively, tasty when grilled and a pain in the arse. No, gentlemen; the mystery has always been The Dutch.

Has there ever been a more bizarre group than our beloved and beloathed Jan and his countrymen? Capable of being simultaneously tall, blond and blue-eyed and also deeply unsettling to lay eyes upon, Jan is from a nation which has been extraordinarily wealthy for centuries and yet he keeps his wallet closed tighter than a duck's anus, even around dear friends. He's more of an enigma than the reason why Barry never turns 64. (hint: balconies)

And yet, I believe I have cracked this case at long last. You see, as an Irishman, I'm painfully aware that one can't choose ones' neighbours. It's a well accepted belief in this community of nations that we have all influenced each other in a push-and-pull of cultural exchange and bloody, bloody warfare for centuries. But what if it goes deeper than mere human exchanges of trade and relationships? What if.. it's a spiritual phenomenon?

My thesis, gentlemen, is thus: every nation beams out rays infused with that nation's spiritual essence, their very Landesgeist, in a grand wave, stretching across vast distances. These waves start out strong, get weaker as the wave spreads out, and have potent psychic potential when the come into contact with human minds. Even the most dull people of the earth have enough sensitivity of mind to pick up these psychic nation waves; their influence cannot be escaped.

"But Paddy!" I hear you keen readers cry, "What has this to do with the Dutch?!" Patience. All will be revealed.

Now, understanding the basic science behind national psychic beams, we can observe a few key qualities of these phenomena. Namely:

• They behave like waves continuously generated in the spiritual heart of a given country.
• They have the power to influence minds with which they come into contact.

The second point explains how these beams influence people – in the case of minds which are blank slates, complete tabula rasa, like children, the rays imbue gives that blank, featureless mind full of potential with a sacred gift: Nationality.

But the first point brings some troubling implications. When waves come into contact with other waves, they create interference patterns. Sometimes, these are beautiful and complex interactions, tastefully blending the best of both countries and unlocking a wonderful synergy – who among us could resist the charms of Alsace-Lorainne/Elsaß-Lothringen? The region is, of course, a textbook example of the effect the meeting of two powerful psychic fronts can have on a population. They're not fully Pierre; they're not fully Hans. The bad cancels out, the good in each is magnified.

Consider, however, the addition of a THIRD influence – If Barry were to make this front a three-way interference pattern, the damage psychic waves this powerful would have on a developing mind would be incalculable! It would lead to confusion, despair, and several deeply contradictory traits.

Fortunately, the creator of Europe foresaw this, and in their divine wisdom, saw fit to lock this triple point deep in the north sea, where the innocent people of the world would never have to deal with Barry, Pierre, and Hans all at the same time. Unfortunately, they haven't been paying much attention, and would be horrified to learn everybody's favourite Swamp Germans have made their country on that specific part of the sea, exposing them to mind-meltingly powerful psychic beams of Germanness, Englishness, and Frenchness. Nobody can fit all that into one national character, and so they've created a scenario where all the good traits have cancelled out, leaving nothing but the bad. The following list is just a small number of examples of what this has done to poor Jan:

• Barry has given Jan a colonialism-inspired financialisation culture where money rules above all else, without the lovable eccentricities and foibles which (partially) redeem our dear island neighbours.

• Pierre has given Jan all the snooty arrogance of the French with none of the fine wines to actually back it up.

• Hans has given Jan his deeply bureaucratic compulsions with none of the… um.. well, I'm sure Germany has positive traits too, but the main point is Jan didn't get any of them.

Of course, this is still only a theory. There are some kinks to be ironed out, and more experimentation will be needed. Which is why I'm turning to you, 2westerneurope4u; please, if you have any further insights into why the Dutch fucking suck, please, for the good of Science, I inplore you, let us hear your tales.

And while some of you may call my theories "utter fucking horseshit" and some of you may be thinking "God, deze man heeft net uitgelegd waarom niemand ons Nederlanders mag. Barry… Pierre… Hans… wij hebben alleen hun negatieve eigenschappen…", I assure you, I am a scientist, and have carried out my research with only the interests of human knowledge at heart. I have not been motivated by a deep hatred of those poxy Dutchmen in the slightest. Please be civil and scientific in the comments.