Can love survive political differences? Whether you’re single, dating or married, politics has a way of creeping into relationships. How do you deal with it?
That’s the question we asked you for Valentine’s week – and you delivered. We heard from readers across the country and on both sides of the aisle about how they navigate politics in their relationships and keep the love alive. Several wrote that they ignore politics or engage in selective listening, while others focus on what they have in common instead. But for some, it’s a bright red line that says, “Do not enter into a relationship – no matter what.”
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Even if you vote differently, you have more in common than divides you
The recent election was the 11th to take place during our marriage. We’ve not always voted the same way, but our views are aligned on most things. That’s what brought us together in the first place, and that bond has only grown over the years. We’re respectful of each other’s opinions and don’t engage in debate just for the sake of debating an issue.
If it’s obvious she feels differently about something than I do, I generally let it drop. Unless it’s an issue that impacts our household directly, in which case we’ll work it out, always with mutual respect and an eye toward finding a workable path forward.
First and foremost, respect for the other person is the best advice I can give. They’re entitled to their opinions, just like you are to yours. Remember that opinions can be changed, but principles should be the bedrock of your own life and of your relationship. Be prepared to discuss issues honestly but respectfully. Keep an open mind. Don’t tolerate insults, snide remarks or the other kinds of caustic comments that we all see on social media, and don’t engage in them yourself.
Remember that even if you vote differently most of the time, you have a lot more in common than you have differences. That’s why you’re together in the first place.
— David Tindell, Birchwood, Wisconsin
He watches Fox, I watch CNN
I’m in a relationship, and while we agree on some political topics, we disagree on others.
We don’t watch the news together ‒ he watches Fox and I watch CNN. We try to talk about the topic and not the party. Mostly, we try to find the humor in the situation. If that doesn’t work, we avoid talking about it.
My advice for couples in a similar situation: Humor and respect are needed. Know when to stop talking when your views clash. Hate the sin, but love the sinner!
— Monique Lanphear, Loveland, Colorado
You can’t ‘agree to disagree’ on basic human decency in love
I honestly wouldn’t date someone with different political views. It’s one thing to disagree on taxes or zoning, but party disagreements these days have sadly become about basic human rights and decency vs. open unabashed bigotry, science vs. conspiracy, compassion vs greed. I honestly couldn’t love someone who voted for President Donald Trump. No compromise is possible in that regard.
I definitely agree that politics today are not as superficial as foreign policy, taxes and infrastructure. Politics have become about whether women, people of color, the LGBTQ+ community and immigrants should be entitled to human rights and protections. I could date someone with whom I may disagree on immigration policy, but not with who wants to separate children from their parents in cages.
I could date someone who couldn’t ever imagine themselves in a same-sex relationship or a relationship with a trans person. I could not date someone who thought that those people don’t deserve to exist ‒ let alone find love, be addressed respectfully by their preferred pronouns or use a bathroom they feel safe in.
I could date someone who is opposed to abortion and wouldn’t choose it for themselves or their partner, but I could not date someone who tells me they’re OK with a pregnant woman dying from being denied an abortion or a doctor being prosecuted for performing one.
I think it is easy to find love with similarly minded people, but I may be biased as I live in a very blue state. I generally find it easy to guess someone’s political affiliation within a short time of talking to someone, and I find the political parties have very different hobbies, mannerisms and preferred topics of conversation.
I think older generations, parents included, don’t understand why we can’t agree to disagree, but then again they tend to fall on the politically conservative end of the spectrum. They are quick to demand compromise on our values but cry victim when asked to acknowledge other viewpoints (for example, claiming religious persecution for being told “Happy Holidays” instead of “Merry Christmas”). I find them frustratingly hypocritical.
It’s disappointing to me that politics have become so polarizing. But it is also disappointing that in my mind, the acceptable level of human decency has regressed to such a point that asking someone’s preferred political party lets me know within seconds whether they value me as a human or an incubator.
I saw a meme that resonated with me on the topic. It was something like: “Agree to disagree is reserved for pineapple on pizza. Not basic human decency.”
I will find common ground with people with whom I have a difference of opinion. But the rift between what each party finds morally acceptable is so vast that it is just that ‒ a rift ‒ without any common ground to stand on.
— Raina Schunk, Wilton, Connecticut
Opposites may attract, but they can’t go the distance when it comes to values
“Can a relationship with political differences survive?” Opposites may attract, but they aren’t good lifelong partners. The more you have in common, the less conflict there will be.
If one person is center-left and the other is center-right, you’re not too distant from each other that compromise is impossible. No problem there.
But if one person is progressive and the other is MAGA, unless you take a blood oath and sign a written contract vowing to never, ever discuss politics, your relationship is doomed. Even then it will only be a matter of time before you realize that the two of you are actually so different in so many other ways and you’ve just been ignoring the truth, hoping to preserve a rotten marriage, probably for the sake of money, children or the humiliation for being a social failure, and wishing you had never tried matrimony with your polar opposite in the first place, you’d give anything to go back and do it all over with a more compatible companion.
Otherwise, a house divided against itself cannot stand. You can fool yourself into believing everything’s just fine, but if honesty is one of the cornerstones of a strong union, your fraudulent days together are numbered. — Wes Dickson, Orland Park, Illinois
I let my boyfriend think he’s right. It’s easier than arguing.
I’m in a relationship with someone and we’re complete political opposites.
I let my Republican boyfriend think he is right. It’s easier than arguing with him. He is less educated and resents people who went to college because, in my mind, he is genuinely envious. He comes from a family where no one went to college and many don’t value education.
We have a son together and are cultivating the child’s preschool learning experiences. My hope is that my boyfriend sees the value in these preschool years and beyond.
— Vero Wolkow, Redondo Beach, California
You don’t have to agree on everything, but some ‘politics’ are about more
My spouse and I agree on some political topics but disagree on others. We try not to take our views personally. When an issue becomes emotionally touchy, we avoid it. We are a church-going family, so we have a more holistic view of worldly issues, especially when they become divisive.
Please be sure to discuss your views early and often. Differences can have underlying personal or religious undertones in other parts of your life, so working on compromises or boundaries early on is essential. You don’t have to agree ‒ but it’s imperative to have understanding and respect for their position and views.
— Buddy Wood Talton, Waconia, Minnesota
