Dear Editor:
This Presidents Day, let’s recognize our newest POTUS. And count the many ways Donald Trump surpasses all other POTUSES (or POTII) in American history:
Most Patriotic: For Trump so loved the country, he refused to leave the White House after losing the 2020 election. That club-wielding, eye-gouging, defecating lynch mob he unleashed against Congress on Jan. 6 was a perfect reflection of Trump’s extreme love for the American republic.
Biggest Mandate: Trump’s 2024 victory was a massive, historic landslide. In the 30 presidential elections since 1904, his 312 electoral vote total was exceeded a mere 21 times – practically never, in other words.
Trump also won the popular vote with an overwhelming 49.8% – within a whisker of 50%, or unanimous election. (It’s called “MAGA Math.”)
Most Colorful: The orange makeup, dyed ash-blond hair (and eyebrows), gold-plated mansion – it’s blinding! Like all that tabloid glitz: reality TV stardom, Atlantic City casinos, Trump’s 2013 induction into professional wrestling’s hall of fame. Eat your heart out, Calvin Coolidge!
Most Physically Expressive: From his dazzling PR smile in photo ops and ads for Trump merch, to his serial-killer glare for mug shots, to the deadpan Mussolini face he wears on formal occasions, Trump simply has no equal in facial mobility.
Hottest FLOTUS: Trump’s First Lady (and third wife) is a former European supermodel. Eat your heart out, Grace Coolidge!
Most Religious: Many presidents were devout churchgoers. Some were evangelical Christians. But Trump is the only president to actually publish his own Bible. (Just $59.99! Or $1,000 for the personally signed, deluxe edition.)
Most Business-Savvy: In monetizing the presidency for personal gain, Trump stands alone.
His tiny hands are holding the world’s biggest megaphone, which hypes the Trump brand, 24/7. Foreign sovereign wealth funds, domestic corporations, billionaires – everyone is getting on the gravy train, investing in Trump merch, Trump projects, Trump real estate.
Trump firing the inspectors general at 18 different federal departments means billion-dollar government contracts can be awarded with virtually no oversight or accountability. (And with the boss always taking his cut.)
Also, Trump has proclaimed America “the crypto capital of the planet.” Days before his inauguration, he issued a crypto meme coin that reportedly boosted his personal fortune by tens of billions of dollars. Trump could become the world’s first trillionaire before he’s out of office.
Happy Presidents Day, everyone!
Marty Rush,
Salida