In Tueday’s election, I will be casting my vote for the judge supported by Elon Musk. I’m doing this because I love Wisconsin – and because Musk said he might give me $1 million if I do what he wants.
Elon Musk gives away two $1 million checks to Wisconsin voters
Elon Musk held a rally to “get attention” for the Wisconsin judicial race. He gave away two $1 million checks to voters.
Greetings, I am a proud and patriotic Wisconsinite, and like most of my friends and family, I’m deeply concerned about whatever it is a South African-born billionaire tells me to be deeply concerned about.
Tuesday, in Wisconsin’s Supreme Court election, I will be casting my vote for the judge supported by Elon Musk. I’m doing this because I love America and Wisconsin and because Musk said he might give me $1 million if I do what he says.
This is totally legal, perhaps, and it demonstrates I am a free-thinking, independent voter who also wants $1 million.
Musk put $20 million into Wisconsin’s Supreme Court race. Gimme some.
The race is between liberal Judge Susan Crawford and conservative Judge Brad Schimel, or as I call them, the one who won’t get me $1 million and the one who might get me $1 million.
Musk and groups affiliated with him have put $20 million into the race, which makes sense. The Tesla CEO spent more than $250 million getting President Donald Trump elected, and now Musk is effectively running the country.
If he can purchase the Wisconsin Supreme Court, he’ll likely gain full control of the nation’s cheese-curd supply pipeline, and that will be all she wrote.
I can’t say I disagree with his tactics. What’s the point of being the richest man in the world if you can’t impulse-buy an occasional democracy?
Musk says Wisconsin Supreme Court might decide fate of civilization
Musk claims the Wisconsin judicial race “will be important for the future of civilization.”
I guess that’s because a Schimel victory would tilt the court to a conservative majority and could influence congressional redistricting in the state.
Musk, who I sincerely hope gives me $1 million, said this at a recent rally in Wisconsin, where he gave $1 million checks to two voters:
“What’s happening on Tuesday is a vote for which party controls the U.S. House of Representatives – that is why it is so significant. And whichever party controls the House to a significant degree controls the country, which then steers the course of Western civilization. I feel like this is one of those things that may not seem that it’s going to affect the entire destiny of humanity, but I think it will.”
If I didn’t want that $1 million, I might think that all sounds nutso.
Generally, when people start talking about “the course of Western civilization,” I move to the other end of the bar, but in this case, the guy doing the talking is offering me a lot of money, so I’m willing to let it go.
‘I did exactly what Elon Musk told everyone to do’
I mean, Musk does seem to be doing all the things people on the right have spent years falsely accusing liberal billionaire George Soros of doing, but since Musk isn’t Jewish, I guess it’s OK?
I don’t know. I just figure if I can get $1 million and maybe a free Tesla or something, why the heck not?
Over the weekend, a woman from Green Bay, Wisconsin, received one of Musk’s $1 million definitely-not-a-bribe checks. In a video posted Monday, she proudly said: “I did exactly what Elon Musk told everyone to do – sign the petition, refer friends and family, vote. And now I have a million dollars.”
That statement inspired me to want to do exactly what Elon Musk tells me to do so that I can also earn a million dollars.
Musk gives chair of Wisconsin College Republicans $1 million
ABC News reported the other person who received a $1 million check is Nicholas Jacobs, chair of the Wisconsin College Republicans.
Cool. I’m sure that’s a coincidence, and I’ll feel even more sure if Mr. Musk gives me $1 million.
And now Musk is offering $20 for thumbs-up campaign photos
On Monday, Musk expanded his shower-voters-with-cold-hard-cash campaign by posting this on X: “Easiest money you ever made! You don’t even need to be from Wisconsin, you just need to get people in the state to hold a picture of @TeamSchimel (can be on a phone/device or paper) in one hand and go thumbs up with the other hand. Every time you do that you get $20 and they get $20. The goal is to build awareness about the election tomorrow, so this offer applies to today and tomorrow.”
The Founding Fathers, I’m sure, always imagined U.S. elections would involve oligarchs offering payouts to voters and saying things like “Easiest money you ever made!”
And that’s why I’ll be proudly voting for “guy Elon Musk told me to vote for” in Tuesday’s Wisconsin Supreme Court election. (That and the fact that I really want $1 million.)
Go democracy!
Follow USA TODAY columnist Rex Huppke on Bluesky at @rexhuppke.bsky.social and on Facebook at facebook.com/RexIsAJerk