Pay Dirt is Slate’s money advice column. Have a question? Send it to Kristin and Ilyce here. (It’s anonymous!)

Dear Pay Dirt, 

I know this is a remarkably privileged problem to have, but here goes: I am a college student and my parents, as they move into retirement, have taken to spending a weekend or two at my apartment every couple months (an apartment which they very generously help me pay the rent on). Generally my approach has been that since it’s partially their place they can do whatever they want. But lately, I’ve been running into trouble with them.

I like to cook and have figured out a variety of quick and tasty recipes I like, mostly spicy food that I didn’t grow up eating. However, when my parents come for the weekend, they hunker down in my kitchen and cook at least three full meals, and each time cook at least enough food to feed 10 people. They freeze the leftovers in my fridge for me to eat. I live alone, so this essentially dooms me to a month or more of mashed potatoes or bland pasta or baked ham before I get to cook something I actually like for myself. There’s the option of hosting a dinner party or giving it away, but they’re very “quantity over quality,” and their dishes end up with stuff like onion skin still left on the onions, small bones mixed up in the meat, and chunks of gristle that I would feel bad serving to my friends (the lack of seasoning notwithstanding.) They think they’re helping me, but honestly food is not that expensive here and I’d much prefer help with my gas or electric bill over 20 frozen casseroles. Now they want to buy me more containers so that they can fit more frozen food into my already-stuffed freezer where I didn’t finish the last family dinner they made me! Is there a polite way to get them to stop cooking for me when they come to visit?

—Get Out of the Kitchen!

Dear Kitchen,

That’s a lot of food! It’s sweet of your parents to prepare meals for you, and it seems like this is their way of showing love and taking care of you now that you’re out of the house. On the other hand, 20 casseroles? That’s a lot of casseroles.

Just be honest with them. I know that might be easier said than done, but the more you build this up as a problem, the more it’s going to turn into one. It’s simple: you love and appreciate their kind gesture, but it’s more food than you can eat, and you don’t want it to go to waste. Keep a few things in mind when you have this conversation.

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First, let them know you acknowledge that it’s incredibly kind of them to visit and cook for you. This might sound something like, “Hey, I really appreciate everything you do, and it’s so nice to have you here for the weekend.” Second, when you bring up the problem, make it less about potato skins and gristle and more about your own needs. You don’t have to call it bland. You might say, “this is so much more food than I need during the week, though, and I don’t want it to go to waste.” This will make them less likely to feel defensive. Third, give your folks another option. Can you meal prep together? Can you explore some different cuisines? Can they just make fewer meals? Or maybe you could use their help on a different task around the house, like potting some new plants or scouting antiques together. Having options on hand helps because it shows you really do value their help—you’re not just trying to shut them down. And while you might prefer that the money that they spend on ingredients just go toward bills, I think the fact that they are actively doing something for you here might be important to them.

Ilyce Glink
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If you’re worried about how your parents will respond to this, then it might be time for a deeper conversation about rules and boundaries. Your living situation might get sticky if they’re paying for the apartment—they might feel like they should have more of a say in things, and you might start to feel they’re encroaching on your autonomy. It doesn’t sound like that’s the case, but even if it’s not, this casserole situation is a good time to nip any potential misunderstandings in the bud.

The good news is, the fact that you want to approach your parents in a polite way is a good sign that there’s a lot of mutual respect in your relationship. But the most polite thing to do, if you’re really this frustrated? Just be honest.

—Kristin

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