Meghan It’s so unfair

Harry I know, darling

Meghan Do you think I should write to them?

Harry I’m not sure that would help, darling

Meghan But people love it when I write to them. They can’t believe my incredible calligraphy. It makes them feel special

Harry I don’t think these people will feel special, darling

Meghan But they owe me

Harry What do you mean?

Meghan The girls at The Cut. I was so kind to them. I gave them one of the first interviews with me after my momentous decision to move us to California. And how do they repay me? By being rude about the amazing jam I worked so hard to curate

Harry Ahh, sorry, I thought you were talking about something else, darling

Meghan Like what?

Harry Like the court ruling that’s just happened

Meghan Which court ruling?

Harry The one about my security arrangements in the UK. I’m sorry to tell you I lost

Meghan Oh I wouldn’t worry about that. It’s not like we ever want to go back to that damp little island with all those damp little people. And all those awful teeth. No wonder none of them smile

Harry Well, I do kind of miss home every now and again

Meghan HARRY!

Harry No, you’re right, I’m sorry

Meghan Well why did you say it then?

Harry I don’t know. I was just speaking my truth, which is what your guru told us to do, isn’t it, darling?

Meghan It’s not your truth, though, is it? You’re just confused. Your home is in California

Harry Right

Meghan We don’t like England, do we, with all that knife crime and instability?

Harry Well it’s better than gun crime and instability

Meghan HARRY!

Harry I’m sorry. I’ve had a long day and I have to pay costs as well

Meghan What do you mean?

Harry I have to pay £1.5 million

Meghan I’ve told you, you have to do it in proper money. How would I know what £1.5 million is?

Harry Sorry, about $2 million

Meghan HARRY!

Harry I might ask Pa to help

Meghan HARRY!

Harry Or we might have to lose some of the nannies

Meghan I suppose you could ask your dad

Harry Or there’s that guy from Uzbekistan that Uncle Andrew said we should meet

Meghan I suppose you could ask your dad

Harry Aren’t we making any money from the jam? It’s $14 a jar, right?

Meghan No, Harry, we aren’t making money from the jam. I’m making money from the jam. That’s my business and my money

Harry I thought we were in this together

Meghan We are, but as the guru says, every relationship needs its boundaries

Harry How much is the guru costing, by the way?

Meghan HARRY!

*As imagined by Matt Rudd