Pay Dirt is Slate’s money advice column. Have a question? Send it to Kristin and Ilyce here. (It’s anonymous!)
Dear Pay Dirt,
Before my father died, he advised me that I and my brother “Dan” would be named co-executors of his will, and co-trustees of a trust established for another sibling who has debilitating medical conditions. At the time of my father’s death, I had my own medical problems that made it impossible for me to deal with the confusion and stress of acting as co-executor, and I informed Dan that I was declining to act as such. He went ahead and administered the estate, and my siblings and I received equal shares. That was several years ago. And, due to my continuing medical issues, I frankly never gave the trust another thought.
Recently, curious about the terms of the trust, I called the attorney who handled my father’s will to request a copy. I know the terms of the trust are in the will. I was stunned when he told me that the will had never been probated! I suspect that Dan simply divided the estate into equal shares for all siblings because that was his (good faith) understanding of my father’s wishes, and was “fair.” Dan’s an honest guy. I don’t for a moment suspect anything malicious. But I wouldn’t be surprised if the will made some provisions for grandchildren, or who knows what else? It appears no one has looked at it.
I haven’t breathed a word of this to anyone, including Dan. My question is: Should I? If I told Dan he’d gone about this in entirely the wrong way, it would cause him a lot of angst, including fear about personal liability. And what’s to be done now? After all this time, I suspect the funds are entirely spent by all siblings. I believe that when it comes time to distribute the trust, Dan will approach it the same “fair” way—equal shares to remaining siblings.
—Let Sleeping Dogs Lie?
Dear Sleeping Dogs,
I’m sorry to hear you had medical problems, but I’m glad you are now feeling better. In regards to stepping down as a co-executor, you did the right thing. Everything feels worse when you are sick, including grief.
As for the distribution of the estate, I’d let it go. Your brother did the best he could, while he was grieving too. You say that everyone got their “fair” share and was taken care of while he divided the assets, including you. So yes, he may have missed the will being probated, but it wasn’t intentional and nothing bad happened as a result.
You worry that the grandkids may have been left out, which is valid, but at the same time, their parents got some cash so they could have passed on their grandpa’s legacy if they had wanted to. You also share that there probably isn’t any cash left anyway, so what would you do? Drag all of your siblings to court? Let it go, and silently thank your brother for handling your father’s affairs in a fair way, while giving you the space to heal. Namaste.
—Athena Valentine
From: I Really Don’t Want the House My In-Laws Are Giving Us. (Dec. 2nd, 2021).
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Dear Pay Dirt,
How do you decide which charity/cause/person to donate to? I feel as if I’m constantly bombarded by requests for help from organizations, individuals, etc. I get so overwhelmed that I end up not donating anything at all. I don’t make a lot of money but I do have savings. The world and country are so terrible now that I wonder if it is ethical to hold on to them when so many are suffering, homeless, sick, and starving to death. I also have a progressive disease that will require me to get more care when I’m older, so need to take that into account.
In my local social media feeds people are asking for money for rent, bills, and food. When I drive anywhere people at intersections want money for their kids. Ukraine needs money, Somalia is having a huge famine that nobody seems to be talking about, and we need to fight against the people who repealed Roe and get people to places where they can have safe abortions.
What good does my $100-200 even do? Should I spread it out, give once a year, give whenever I feel like it? I am not an extravagant person so I can’t cut out a coffee and donate the savings when I don’t buy it anyway, and my disease prevents me from volunteering or showing up at protests much.
—The Entire World Is Having a Rainy Day
Dear Rainy Day,
I think you’re putting too much pressure on yourself to help everyone. First of all, you definitely need to have a considerable amount of savings for emergencies and funds to account for retirement/health care.
Your $100 can do a lot of good, but there are other ways to help, too. Not all volunteering requires in-person participation. A lot of organizations recruit volunteers to do remote work—letter writing, Zoom interviews, etc.
It sounds like your biggest challenge is figuring out where to put your time and money. If it’s overwhelming you, it helps to narrow your focus. There are several ways you can do this. One is to pick one or two issues you care about and commit to working primarily on those. You know you can’t solve all of the world’s problems, but that doesn’t mean you can’t make a difference at all. Going deep into an issue you care about is a way to connect with the people you’re serving and often a more meaningful experience than just writing a check.
Another is to plan out your volunteer work for the year. From there you can sequence issues and problems you’d like to work on. Maybe you spend the first half of the year working on reproductive rights and the other half helping the unhoused. That would allow you to work on a variety of things, without becoming overwhelmed. Anything you choose to do will be helpful to someone, so don’t put too much pressure on yourself to do everything.
—Elizabeth Spiers
From: My Husband’s Remote Job Made Me Lose All Respect for Him. (July 22nd, 2022).
Dear Pay Dirt,
A successful family member recently died and left me about $50,000 in individual stock with a company that we don’t support, so I plan to sell it. I know I’ll have to pay capital gains to access the money, but I’m not sure how to prioritize what to do with what remains. Our family (two early-40s adults working at nonprofits, and two young kids) is comfortable, compared to many, but we don’t have robust retirement savings or investments to grow wealth for the future. We have $20,000 in a cash emergency fund, $20,000 in Roth IRAs, less than $100,000 in employer retirement accounts, no credit card debt, recently forgiven student loans, and a really big mortgage. Should we recast the mortgage to free up a few hundred dollars extra every month in our tight budget? Invest it all? Use it for some house upgrades that would “spark joy?” Set up 529s for the kids? Start a CD ladder? We also think we might want to move within five or six years if housing market conditions improve, and wonder if we should keep the money more liquid for a downpayment. So many options… please help!
—A Good Problem to Have
Nicole Chung
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Dear Good Problem To Have,
This is a good problem. You’re being smart about what to do with the money so you can make it work for you and your family. You’re doing great with your emergency fund, but there’s room for improvement in your retirement savings. I’m also worried that your budget is tight every month. It’s important to have some wiggle room so you don’t have to dip into your emergency fund for expenses that casually come up but don’t constitute an emergency. You should be able to pay for something like a car registration or a health insurance copay.
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I would take $12,000 from the amount and max out a Roth IRA account for both of you ($6,000 each). Since you’re not entirely sure you want to move in a certain time frame and your budget is currently tight, I would look into recasting your mortgage with some of that money. Most people’s largest expense is housing, food, and transportation. A lower monthly payment will free up room for the expenses mentioned above and will allow you to save more for retirement. Recasting your mortgage will allow you to apply money to your principal, lowering your monthly payment. It’s important to know that it doesn’t lower your interest rate and some loans are not eligible. Check with your lender to see your options before moving forward.
If recasting your mortgage requires less money than you think, spend money on a home improvement that will bring you joy. I firmly believe that giving yourself some fun money helps keep you on track to follow through on the rest of your priorities. Your home is your sanctuary, and you deserve to enjoy it.
—A.V.
From: My Aunt Offered to Help Renovate My Home. Then She Surprised Me With a $70,000 Bill. (Nov. 23rd, 2022).
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We rented a beach house for a week and invited our neighbors, ”Glen and Gina,” across the way to spend a day or two with us since they mentioned they didn’t have the funds for a vacation this year. Our two kids and their three kids are around the same age. They get along and have had sleepovers before. It was fine the first day, but on the second, Gina and I took the kids down to the water and there was an ice cream truck. I didn’t have my wallet on me, so I asked Gina if she minded including my kids in getting ice cream. Gina gave me a dirty look but did it anyway. After they left, Glen sent my wife a request through a cash app to pay them back for the cost of the ice cream. We were both taken aback but sent the money.
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