“Now I’m like: ‘Dang, why didn’t I just pick Kamala?’”
You might think Democrats would have welcomed remorseful Trump voters with open arms. But when Nebraskan Staci White, in an interview with The Wall Street Journal, expressed regret over her ballot in the 2024 election, a parade of social media commenters mocked her with an unmistakable message: We told you so.
Amid the horror and awe of Trump’s second term, the response shouldn’t have been surprising. In our polarized times, nearly two-thirds of Americans report that even thinking about politics makes them angry and exhausted, according to a Pew Research Center poll from 2023. The cruel outpouring was just another symptom.
We’re often told that empathy is the solution to our bitter partisan divide. But after studying empathy for the past four years, I have different advice: Stop trying to empathize. Just fake it.
Polarization has skyrocketed over the past 40 years. The only thing we can seemingly agree on is our hatred of this trend. In the same Pew poll, 86 percent of Americans reported feeling that our politics have become more about fighting the other party than solving problems. Yet, we still lack a clear way forward.
The issue is that we focus on the people in the other camp and critique who they are, not just their policies. When researchers analyzed a national survey on voter behavior, they found that Americans felt more or less neutrally toward their political counterparts, whether conservatives or liberals. But when the same question was rephrased to refer to “Democrats” and “Republicans” — testing group identity, not ideology — mutual respect plummeted. Such thinking causes us to turn inward, self-segregating in the physical and digital worlds, heightening the political divide.
So far, the proposed answer has been more empathy. Think of the onslaught of columns during the holiday season about surviving political arguments around the table. The idea is that empathy will strengthen our relationship with the other person, leading us to be more compassionate and respectful. We’re told to dig deep and search for the context behind our aunt’s antiabortion stance or to understand where our brother-in-law is coming from when he advocates for a wealth tax.
But empathy isn’t a faucet we can easily turn on or off. Studies show that we are predisposed to empathize with our own party members and withhold empathy for those on the opposing side. It’s not impossible to put ourselves in the other person’s shoes, but the mental toll can dissuade us from doing so. Research also suggests trying to inject empathy can backfire and result in even greater animosity for people of different political stripes.
Here’s where faking it comes in.
When we perceive someone as being empathetic, we tend to trust them more and reciprocate with kindness, studies show. In other words, we don’t actually have to be empathetic — we just need the person we’re talking to think we are.
ChatGPT is a perfect example. Despite lacking consciousness, its responses are eerily human — to the point that it can actually make people feel cared for and valued. By masterfully “hearing” what we say, it leaves us feeling as if we’ve received empathy.
Another example: doctors. It would be too mentally taxing to empathize during every visit. Instead, they are trained to use reflective language to make their patients feel they have received empathy. As stilted as it may seem, the approach works; a patient’s level of satisfaction drastically improves when they perceive their doctors as empathetic.
Faking it isn’t just nodding along and interjecting with an occasional “uh-huh.” We need to be more explicit by mirroring language and validating sentiments. Even if we fervently disagree with someone, identify the larger issue behind their opinion: “I know that X is infuriating, but…” Or establish some common ground: “I’m also concerned about Y, yet…” As long as we don’t allow our inauthenticity to transform into belittlement or dismissal, we will dial down the animosity.
This is a daunting task. But it is up to each of us to figure out how we can turn the temperature down in our communities. If we want to restore the fundamental tenets of respect and dialogue in America, it’s time to be fake.
Myles Ringel is a recent graduate of Brown University, where he was a pre-med student and concentrated in Empathy in Practice. Send comments to magazine@globe.com.