WASHINGTON — President Donald Trump has long coveted Greenland, and he finally secured it as the international territorial trade deadline approached.
“It’s a beautiful country. Well, state. Now it’s our beautiful 51st state. Canada could have been that. I told the prime minister he was never going to get a better deal than 51. Now he’ll have to settle for 52, which is not as good as 51,” Trump said.
To make the deal, sources say, Denmark will send the autonomous region of Greenland to the United States. In return, the United States will give Puerto Rico to Spain, and Spain will cede Catalonia and two North African overseas territories to be named later to Denmark.
Spain originally selected Puerto Rico in the 1511 draft, but the United States later acquired the Caribbean island in 1898 in what then-General Manager George Dewey called “a splendid little trade” after Spain was relegated to the Mediterranean League. After relegation, Spain became an important member of the minor leagues as a developmental franchise. In 1937, it honed the skills of many of the players who contended for the world championship from 1940 to 1945.
Spain has long coveted a return to the Caribbean market.
“We’re back!” a Spanish official said on condition of anonymity because he wasn’t included in the Signal chat. “Next stop: Cuba!”
Denmark may have gotten the best of the deal, experts say. Catalonia has been demanding a trade almost since the day it originally joined the Spaniards. Denmark believes the trade could be good for Catalonia and Spain. Denmark says it looks forward to improved access to Gibraltar, though long-time division-rival Great Britain isn’t thrilled about it.
“Sometimes, you just need a change of scenery,” the Danish leader said. “And this place is way fucking warmer than Greenland. Plus, we love tapas!”
As for the United States, everyone is just happy there’s a deal. Trading territory within a division is unusual, especially within the NATO division, which hasn’t seen such a deal since 1945.
“It’s much more common in the Eastern Conference, even though those trades are often very one-sided,” said Secretary of State Marco Rubio. “And Ukraine doesn’t like that and has been holding up a deal with Russia for two-plus years.”
Trump has long desired the frigid, icy, barren Greenland for some reason. Off the record, aides say the President is obsessed with Statcast, which predicts a record-setting performance and contention for the Rare Earth Trophy.
“But we all know the path to Rare Earth runs through China,” the aide added. “And since our revenue sharing proposals didn’t get anywhere, we can expect them to continue to do so.
Grumpy hates you.
