Asking Eric: After 45 years of hosting Thanksgiving, my space can’t keep up with growing family

Dear Eric: For the last 45 years or so I’ve hosted Thanksgiving for my family. I’ve had as many as 25 people. My sister has two sons, and they’ve always stayed with me. Quite frankly, it’s now an issue. Only one son comes but he now has three sons of his own, ranging from 22 to 8. My sister also stays with me. They come on Wednesday and stay till Friday. It’s a lot considering all I have to do for the holiday.

I know if I say something about a hotel, they will be highly insulted.

My daughter also comes and stays, but that’s different. She’s one person and my daughter. Advice?

– Overwhelmed

Dear Overwhelmed: I don’t want to sound flippant here, but if they’re insulted by you stating that you’re at capacity and can’t host six (maybe more) people, that’s on them. The solution is not to continue to bear the burden.

Special occasions, especially at holidays, often fall on one person’s shoulders – by default and by deflection. Often, it’s a woman, reflecting some family members’ assumptions that it’s her responsibility and she wants to do it. You may be or have been happy to host, and you can also be worn out from hosting now. Both can be true, and your family can and should hear that.

It’s not too late to talk to your nephew and your sister and say that, after 45 years, Thanksgiving is outpacing you and you need the family to take a greater role in making it happen. It’s important that the work you’re doing not go unseen. Holidays don’t just happen. By saying, “this is a lot of work; can you help me host it?” you offer your family the chance to step up, which can enrich their experience of the holiday. If they state that it just won’t be the same if they’re not staying with you, then ask them how they can make the experience of hosting easier on you. Maybe that means taking on some more meal preparation, or hiring a cleaning service to come reset things, or shortening the trip. There are a lot of possibilities, and they should be the ones coming up with them and presenting them to you. It’s not your responsibility to make this work. You’re already making it work. It’s their responsibility to make it work for you, too.

Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.