10 Ideas for Spending Our Trump Tariff Dividend (As If)

President Donald Trump posted on his social media platform Truth Social — so you know it’s true — that Americans are due a $2,000 tariff dividend.

“People that are against Tariffs are FOOLS!” he posted Sunday. “… A dividend of at least $2,000 a person (not including high income people!) will be paid to everyone.”

While it’s safe to say no man alive is more familiar with how foolish Americans can be (or appreciates a payoff more), those naysayers in the mainstream media are expressing doubts about whether he can pull that off.

“The U.S. government is collecting billions from the levies, but sending direct payments to Americans would be difficult and ultimately unlikely,” the nattering nabobs at the Washington Post reported after doing some, you know, reporting.

First, Trump’s tariffs have raised about $174 billion, they say, and the bill for Trump’s “dividend” would be something like $300 billion … as if not having money has ever stopped the U.S. government from spending it. (We are a little puzzled by Trump’s use of the word “dividend,” though. Is it a dividend when someone gives you your own money back? But let’s not quibble.)

The Washington Post also notes, “it’s not something the president can do unilaterally.” Congress would have to appropriate the money, they say. Right. Because doing things unilaterally and ignoring Congress just isn’t done … on whatever planet the Post‘s writers call home.

There’s also the “problem” that the U.S. Supreme Court is weighing whether Trump’s tariffs are even legal. But that will require five conservatives to say “no” to the president, and if the past is any indication, they are, generally, Trump sluts. And finally, the Post noted that Treasury Secretary Scott Bessent hadn’t spoken about the “dividends.” What does he think Truth Social is for?

So, all in all, we here at the Observer are excited about the prospect of Trump making it rain and already have ideas about how to spend it:

Make a donation to the North Texas LGBTQ Chamber of Commerce for road maintenance.

Everyone in Dallas put their $2k together to bring Luka home now that Nico Harrison is gone.

Or buy Dak Prescott out of his Cowboys contract.

Save it to pay next year’s tax bill.

Buy 222 Mike’s Gemini Hot Dogs OR 250 Fletcher’s Corny Dogs at State Fair.

Order the 100-ounce Kagoshima bone-in rib-eye at Nick and Sam’s for $1,600. Consider sharing.

Pay down our toll tag bill, or at least a fraction of it.

More pooling: Everyone kick in to find a new, faster contractor for the construction on Commerce Street in Deep Ellum.

Give $50 to North Texas Food Bank to make up for SNAP cuts, soothe conscience. Blow the rest on sports gambling.

Bitcoin, baby. Nothing but Bitcoin. The best place to put unreal money is in more unreal money.

See, isn’t it fun to pretend?