I remain, on this day as on all days, above the political fray, unreadable and sphinx-like, an impartial custodian of the perfect, unwritten constitution that governs life on these fair isles.
But let me tell you man, that Rishi guy. Wow. Seriously? Pissing off the Greeks over the Parthenon Marbles? Sending asylum seekers to Rwanda? Seriously dude. Not cool. I mean we’re not talking Liz Truss levels of bad here, but I’m now actually looking forward to talking to Keir Starmer every week, which literally nobody has ever thought.
Oh yeah and turning up for all of eight minutes at COP28? Drilling for new oil and gas? Not like I’ve been banging on about this environment stuff for ooh, I don’t know, 50 years is it? No biggie mate, I’m just the literal king. Don’t sweat it.
Britain’s King Charles III poses during the recording of his Christmas message at Buckingham Palace, London | POOL photo by Jonathan Brady/AFP via Getty Images
Anyhow, I digress, albeit in an impartial and inscrutable way, an unreadable bauble on the Christmas tree of state. I prefer to make my political interventions through subtle gestures, like this fetching ‘Vote Labour immediately’ Christmas jumper I wear inscrutably before you today.
Beyond our shores, we think at Christmas time of those less fortunate than ourselves.
In the United States, so absolutely sure their little “revolution” against unaccountable rich people was a really good idea, they gather today around a warm Truth Social to hear traditional festive tales. “The very weak and ineffective Birdbrain;” “Sleepy Joe’s poor work ethic;” and, the time honored classic, the “degenerate psychopath that truely [sic] hates the USA!”