I’ve taken the liberty of compiling a situationally sensible ‘A Black Friday Gift Guide for Trump’s Tariff Economy.’ I’d say you could send me a thank-you card, but who has the money for that?
Unprecedented Black Friday crowds to find fewer deals
As a projected 186.9 million Americans shop between Thanksgiving and Cyber Monday, they’re expected to find fewer bargains.
With consumer confidence dropping and prices running higher thanks in part to President Donald Trump’s tariffs, the average American shopper might have to resort to something dreadful this Black Friday: Not shopping.
Ugh. The absence of shopping suggests an absence of gifts to give and receive during the holidays, and that’s frightening for any right-minded materialist. The next tragic step would be “alternative holiday gifts,” anything from dreadful homemade items (absurdly marketed as “thoughtful gifts”) to simple, low-cost gestures of kindness.
I know, it all sounds awful. But that’s the state of America this holiday season.
Black Friday arrives with high prices and a dodgy job market
Compared with September 2024, the cost of food is up, the cost of electricity is up and the cost of gas is up. A recent University of Michigan report found consumer sentiment in November plunging to one of the lowest levels on record.
Blue-collar jobs are vanishing, with 59,000 lost since April, and a new JPMorganChase Institute report found: “Households are going into the end of the year with weak income growth and bank balances that remain flat, after adjusting for inflation.”
With all that in mind, I’ve taken the liberty of compiling a situationally sensible “A Black Friday Gift Guide for Trump’s Tariff Economy.” I’d say you could send me a thank-you card, but who has the money for that?
An assortment of sticks and twigs
This might be the perfect year to give that curious kiddo in your life a lovely bundle of sticks and twigs. Just take a walk through a wooded area and a small piece of twine and BOOM! – you’ve got yourself a locally sourced, eco-friendly collection of use-your-imagination toys.
Imagine the fun your child will have spending hours poking things, hitting things and possibly setting small fires while definitely not feeling bitter about the Nintendo Switch 2 they didn’t get.
A shiny new library card
At least for the moment, libraries are still a thing in Trump’s America, so why not spend Black Friday setting up a library card for your partner or child, opening up a gateway to … I guess books, right?
It won’t cost a thing. And imagine their surprise when they open an envelope or small box expecting a generous gift card, only to find a card that lets them get things they don’t read from a place they’ve never been. Talk about holiday magic!
A small crocheted pillow that says ‘Maybe Santa will come next year!’
As capitalists, we’ve done an excellent job teaching our children to expect loads of fun and exciting toys under the Christmas tree, courtesy of Santa Claus. Well, thanks to Ebenezer Trump, that ain’t happening this year, so maybe the next best thing is to craft something that sends a note of hope for the year ahead.
You can delve into the mindfulness of crocheting and make sure your child knows better Christmases might be coming with a cuddly pillow that reads “Maybe Santa will come next year!” or “It was either this or tap into your college savings!”
A lengthy treatise on the ills of consumer overconsumption
For the adults in your life, maybe it’s time for a little handwritten tough love. As Antonio Guterres, secretary-general of the United Nations, said in 2022: “Humanity is consuming at the rate of 1.7 planets a year. If global consumption stands at the level of the world’s richest countries, resources of more than three Earths would be needed.”
Pivoting off that, you could gift a friend or loved one your expansive thoughts on overconsumption and how it is rapidly degrading the environment, posing a threat to all living beings. Who wouldn’t want to read that on Christmas morning?
One hamburger
For the one-percenters out there who are cutting back on Black Friday shopping but still willing to spend a little, a single uncooked hamburger would be a welcome addition to anyone’s stocking. Ground beef prices are up 14% since January, and Omaha Steaks CEO Nate Rempe recently predicted prices might hit $10 a pound in 2026.
So if you’re feeling decadent, one patty in plastic wrap will make anyone feel like a holiday superstar!
An item from a neighbor’s garage
When the going gets tough, the tough start browsing their neighbor’s property for holiday gifts they can call “found objects.” Perhaps on Black Friday, you notice a neighbor left their garage door open. Well, what’s to stop you from “finding” a lightly used bike to put under the tree, aside from a wide array of laws and a sense of right and wrong?
Given the president’s track record, I’m pretty sure he’d pardon anyone who patriotically Black Friday-shopped a neighbor’s yard or back shed. So get out there and grab your spouse a relatively new weed whacker!
A discarded MAGA hat
Find a red MAGA hat in a nearby trash bin and upcycle it into a gift of historic political memorabilia. As people start to reckon with holiday shopping prices, I’m sure they won’t be too hard to find.
Follow USA TODAY columnist Rex Huppke on Bluesky at @rexhuppke.bsky.social and on Facebook at facebook.com/RexIsAJerk