Trump Berates Reporters, Gets Mystery MRI & Closes Border to (Non-White) Immigrants | The Daily Show

Trump Berates Reporters, Gets Mystery MRI & Closes Border to (Non-White) Immigrants | The Daily Show

Welcome to The Daily Show.
My name is Jon Stewart. Great show for you tonight. Later on, we’re
going to be joined by author Elizabeth Kolbert. We will be discussing
the environment. Do we still need one? [LAUGHTER] By the way, you couldn’t
hear in the audience. But I said, we have Elizabeth
Kolbert on the show. And someone in the audience
said, I love her. [LAUGHTER] Like, literally, just in the
middle of it was just like, oh, I love her. So we are pleasing her. [LAUGHTER] But how was your Thanksgiving? Did you a lot there? I’ve eaten pie every morning
for the last five mornings. I ate a lot. Did you stay safe from Vecna? Did– are you– are you safe? Can you believe it turns
out Vecna was just Wino– [ELEVATOR MUSIC] [LAUGHTER] I mean, I did not
see that coming. [LAUGHTER] But– but I hope
your holiday was fine. Did you have any
uncomfortable moments with Trump-loving relatives? Well, if you did, I just
want to say this to you. Sack up. [LAUGHTER] Because on Thanksgiving,
the White House press corps had to deal with actual Trump. Are you stupid? Are you a stupid person? And you’re just asking
questions because you’re a stupid person. I’m sorry, sir. The– the question was, would
you care for more stuffing? [LAUGHTER] But look, don’t– don’t
blame the president. I didn’t say you’re booing.
Don’t boo. [STAMMERING] It’s Thanksgiving. Everybody gets
a little stressed out. I’m sure the president
calmed down and delivered a more
apropos message to the American people
on this Thanksgiving holiday of togetherness. I love it. Chop. We’re not allowed
to do that anymore. You know we’re not allowed– you’re not allowed to use
the word Indian anymore. The only one that wants
you to are the Indians. God damn it, Grandpa. We talked about this. [LAUGHTER] I had the same thing
happen in my house. [LAUGHTER] Look, we all hate sitting next
to the doddering old person at Thanksgiving, which
I think might be me now. [LAUGHTER] But imagine if that
was your job. And instead of being
with your family and friends this holiday,
you’re in the press corps. You got to fly down
to Mar-a-Lago– I’m sorry, the winter
White House– and put up with this
shit for a living. Today I’m in Florida. But generally, I’m
in the White House. I’m in the Oval Office– ran– I won by a lot. I ran a second time. I won by a lot. And I would say to myself,
why are we calling it Gulf of Mexico when we have 90– I like Tom Cruise, the last
of our movie stars– Biden can’t hit a ball 30
yards, I’m telling you. I looked at his swing. You probably had your dinner
already, but I didn’t. And I know exactly what
I’m going to have– turkey. [LAUGHTER] [APPLAUSE] Yeah, we’re all having turkey. [LAUGHTER] Excuse me. I’m just going to go
doomscroll on my phone in the bathroom for a while. But hey, everyone has
trouble, after throwing down a pound of turkey with
all the fixin’s, keeping their thoughts straight. I’m sure his written
Thanksgiving message to the American people
will be more circumspect, more rooted in gratitude. REPORTER:
On Thanksgiving night, he called Governor Tim Walz,
quote, “seriously retarded.” On Thanksgiving? [AUDIENCE BOOING] Are you confusing
that with Festivus? [LAUGHTER] And by the way,
seriously retarded? Not even, like,
playfully retarded? Like– like Mr. Bean,
you know what I mean? [LAUGHTER] Or celebratorily retarded,
like the Black Eyed Peas song? [LAUGHTER] Yeah, they’re very lucky that
“started” rhymes with it. [LAUGHTER] You know, the press
corps had to spend the whole holiday weekend
down at Mar-a-Lago listening to this brain ooze. And then they couldn’t even
go back home by themselves. They had to fly
back with this nut and ask him if he wants
to clarify any of the nonsense. What is happening? [LAUGHTER] When Ken Burns does
the documentary on this era– # Boo, doo, doo,
doo, doo, doo # (IN DEEP VOICE)
And then the president called Tim Walz retarded. [LAUGHTER] (IN REGULAR VOICE)
And by the way, to the– what do you think he’s going
to say to that question? (IN BRITISH ACCENT) Yes,
on reflection, it was obviously a poor choice of words. I have nothing but respect
for Governor Walz and the entire tard community. [LAUGHTER] Perhaps it’s time for me to
step back and start to listen. (IN REGULAR VOICE)
He’s not doing that. Yeah, I think there’s
something wrong with him. [LAUGHTER] Something wrong with him? With him? You were sitting with
your family, Thanksgiving, belly full of turkey and pie,
surrounded by the love of your extended crime family. But your initial instinct was
to Truth a slur at Tim Walz? And there’s something
wrong with him? And by the way, he’s not
the one who mysteriously got an MRI the other day. What was up with that? I have no idea. [LAUGHTER] That’s not
physically possible– [LAUGHTER] –to have no idea. It’s not possible. Would you say to the doctor,
no, no, no, don’t tell me. I want to find out
at my MRI reveal party. [LAUGHTER] [IMITATES CONFETTI POPPING]
Oh, it’s the lymph nodes. [LAUGHTER] What is happening? For God’s sakes, man. Were you not curious at all? When they laid you down
in a tube for a half an hour to 45 minutes, you
didn’t want to know what they might be doing? Or did you just
think to yourself, what a loud tanning bed. [LAUGHTER] What is hap– [CHEERING] [LAUGHTER] I can do this all day. [LAUGHTER] How about letting us have
a gander at that MRI then? So if they want to release
it, it’s OK with me to release it. It’s perfect. It’s absolutely perfect. [LAUGHTER] So you didn’t even
know what they scanned, but you got a perfect score? Because by the way, that’s
how they score the MRIs. You either get a big
stamp, perfect. Or you get, in red ink, see me. [LAUGHTER] You don’t want that. You don’t want to see me. What the [BLEEP]? [LAUGHTER] And while the president
wasn’t exactly sure which organs were scanned,
he knew which one wasn’t. It wasn’t the brain. Because I took a cognitive
test, and I aced it. [LAUGHTER] Did you ace it? [LAUGHTER] Or is perhaps the cognitive
test knowing what part of your body was scanned? Maybe that was the test. [CHEERING] But of course, because it
was Thanksgiving and Donald Trump
so appreciates the time that these reporters have
spent away from their families, he did end this brief session
with some words of gratitude for the difficult jobs
that these reporters do, especially the two reporters
standing closest to him. I took a cognitive
test, and I aced it. I got a perfect mark, which you
would be incapable of doing. Goodbye, everybody. You too. Thank you, Mr. President. [LAUGHTER] Two things here that I love. The first is– [LAUGHTER] –when he goes,
(IMITATING TRUMP) you too. [LAUGHTER] (IN REGULAR VOICE)
And the woman on the right, whose face is
like, the [BLEEP] did I do? I’m just standing there. She’s the one with
the cognitive question. I’m just– you couldn’t
finish the cognitive test, and [BLEEP] you too.
Like, what? What is that? That’s just crazy. [APPLAUSE] And he’s calling them stupid. It seems like about a week ago,
someone on Trump’s press team was like, you’ve got to stop
calling the female reporters ugly and piggy. And he was like, got it. [LAUGHTER] I won’t do that anymore at all. I know what I’ll do. You’re stupid. [LAUGHTER] And the second thing
I like about that clip is that Trump thinks he’s
delivering the mic drop. You’re stupid. You’re too. Good night. Tip your waitresses. But then, he’s got to waddle
all the way back to his bed. Look at him go. Ugh, ugh, ugh, ugh. He’s got to waddle all
the way back there, pretending he doesn’t
need handrails. Isn’t that what’s happening? By the way, that plane’s
not even in the air. That’s just instability from
the extra liquid sloshing around in his cankles. That’s what he’s got. When he moves– [APPLAUSE] He’s got so much
extra fluid in there, it’s like pushing a milk
carton when he moves. Heh, ehh. But let’s forget, for a moment,
about this president’s ugly contempt for those
who are charged with getting information
about his presidency out to other Americans. And let’s just spend
a little time also enjoying the utter
incoherence of his presidency in general,
for instance, the policy change that Trump is
making in the aftermath of the terrible National
Guard shooting in DC. That horrible act was
done by one individual who happened to be part
of a larger group of Afghans who were brought here because
they risked their lives helping the United States during
our invasion of Afghanistan, which, of course, means– Yeah, yeah, they’re
people that shouldn’t be in our country, that’s right. And that includes Somalians,
and includes plenty of others. Did you just
Somalia Afghanistan? Because of this one
Afghan, all Afghans are suspect, and also Somalians. He did, to Somalia
and Afghanistan, exactly what he did
to the reporters on the plane. You’re banned from this country
because of one terrible thing that one of you people did. You too. What? If you’re wondering
what Somalians had to do with the Afghan shooter, yeah. Nothing, but Somalians
have caused a lot of trouble. They had nothing
to do with it, just reminded me that
there are other groups. I also don’t like. I don’t see color, I
just hate all of it. So our entire
immigration system is now going to be based around
the principle that if even one person from your ethnic
or religious group [BLEEP] up, you all got to go,
and a screening process that can’t tell the difference. How do I know it can’t
tell the difference? Because they let them in. Are you stupid? Are you a stupid person? And you’re just asking
questions because you’re a stupid person. See, that question was not
a stupid person’s question. A stupid person’s question
would be, may I eat my desk? To which you would say,
what a stupid question. It’s your desk. You can do whatever
you want with it. Look, the question relates to,
can any free society create a 100% foolproof
system for immigrants, or for its natural citizens. I mean, what criterion
will we use now? NEWS ANCHOR: Donald Trump
said he plans to, quote, “remove anyone who is not a net
asset to the United States.” How do you– by what measure? How? If they can’t love our
country, we don’t want them. But how do you measure that? What, do they stand
at the border? On a scale of mm to mmm,
how much do you– do you say to the moon
and back, or just to the moon? How much– I mean, this is–
it’s utterly incoherent. Can you give us a more
specific idea of which groups would pass your muster? I love the Irish,
special people. I really do, I love the Irish. And we’re back, Italians. We love the Italians. NEWS ANCHOR: Donald
Trump defended wanting immigrants from,
quote, “nice countries like Denmark and Switzerland.” OK, now I’m starting
to see a pattern. I’m sure it’s only in my head. Refugee admissions
into the country, right now, are
essentially at zero, with the exception
of Afrikaners fleeing persecution
in South Africa. So one horrific
act by one Afghan means all Afghans are suspect. But we now welcome, with
open arms, all Afrikaners. Because I mean, really, what
have white South Africans ever done to anybody? Is there anyone else that you
would just let in as well, anything weirdly specific? I also like very competent
people coming into our country, maitre d’s, wine, you know,
experts, even waiters, high-quality waiters. You got to get the best people. We’re so [BLEEP]. So Somalians aren’t welcome
unless they’re also sommeliers. Som– by the way– by the way, I want
to make this clear. I don’t mind Trump
having strict standards. The problem is, if you are
from the so-called less desirable countries, he does
not view you as individuals. You are just part of a larger,
amorphous blob of suspicion that deserves no grace. And if one of you [BLEEP]
up, all are condemned. But he doesn’t even
hold that standard for his own ethnic group,
people from MAGAstan Now, that happens to be a group
that’s got its own pretty solid criminal backstory. And I’m not even
referring to January 6. Let’s just go
ahead and give them a mulligan for the whole
trying to overthrow the government thing. Just look at the crimes they’ve
committed since January 6. Owning unauthorized firearms. NEWS ANCHOR: Defrauding
investors of $41 million. NEWS ANCHOR: Arrested
after a dog attack that injured four people. NEWS ANCHOR: Reportedly
raised a firearm during a traffic stop. NEWS ANCHOR: Making
a terroristic threat. NEWS ANCHOR: Convicted
of plotting to kill FBI agents. NEWS ANCHOR: Tried
to bribe child sex victims. NEWS ANCHOR: Thefts
of industrial copper. Obviously, that’s not
in order of severity. We’re ratcheting up. We’re going to kill
an FBI agent, paying off a child
sex trafficking– and where’s my copper? That was industrial copper. I was– I was going
to do something that people do with copper. I was going to make a lamp. Some of these
people, it’s almost like they already knew,
before they were pardoned, that they were going
to use their second chance to commit more crimes. Zachary Alam, he was
sentenced to eight years for assaulting police
officers on January 6, before he demanded
a pardon from Trump. When a local station asked Alam
him what he would do once he was released, he said,
quote, “That’s just for me to know and you to find out.” And boy, did we find out. After, he was arrested
for a home invasion– apparently at Salvador
Dalí’s home. Dalí came home and went,
where’s my mustache? I’ll just have to make one
out of industrial copper. So considering how devoted
to crime some of MAGAstan is, I would assume
Trump has no choice but to denaturalize and deport
everyone in MAGA as well, or– January 6 people,
they’re M in so many cases. These were people that
actually love our country. They were peaceful people. These were great people. There has never been
a group of people treated so harshly or unfairly
in our country’s history. Really? No other group
treated this harshly? I guess we’ve
forgotten slavery, and how Ellen
treated her staff. You know– there
goes that invite. That’s the real Trump standard. If you’re not part
of Trump’s group, you have no margin
of error in this country. But if you are, it’s
all margin of error. Not only are you not judged
by the worst of your group, the worst of your group
isn’t judged at all. And to anyone who thinks that
Trump’s third-world immigration crackdown is really
about national security and is not just an opportunity
for a USA complexion correction, I have but one
thing to say to you. Are You stupid? Are you a stupid person?

Trump spent the weekend celebrating Thanksgiving the traditional way: abusing reporters, calling Tim Walz the R-word, and bragging about his “perfect” MRI score. Plus, while the president spins a National Guard shooting for his anti-immigrant agenda, Jon Stewart slams the double standard of criminal justice for immigrants and J6 insurrectionists. #DailyShow #JonStewart #Trump #Immigration

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