FIFA Gives Trump a Gold Pacifier & Looming War on Venezuela Gives Jon Iraq Déjà Vu | The Daily Show

FIFA Gives Trump a Gold Pacifier & Looming War on Venezuela Gives Jon Iraq Déjà Vu | The Daily Show

Welcome to The Daily Show. Hello. It’s a pleasure
to be here tonight. We got– we got a good one. We got a good one for you
tonight, a great one for you tonight. Later on in the program, I’ll
be joined by Malala Yousafzai. She’ll be coming
on the program. [CHEERING] Activist author,
producer, youngest Nobel Prize winner in history. Yeah. Yeah. [CHEERING] Look at you people out there. She’s the youngest
Nobel Prize winner here. What are you doing? I’m thinking about maybe
getting into writing. I don’t know. [LAUGHTER] There’s a guy in the audience. Anyway, he wanted
to be a comedy writer. How do I become
a comedy writer? I tell him. And he goes, yeah,
that might be fun. Ah, seems like– seems
like a lot of work. I don’t know. [LAUGHTER] Let’s get into the big
story this weekend. FIFA, the World Cup is going
to be held in the Americas– the United States,
Canada, and Mexico. And there was great
suspense around– no, not who would be in this
year’s Group of Death or how FIFA would find a way
to [BLEEP] over Scotland. No. It was who would win FIFA’s
inaugural Peace Prize. Oh! AUDIENCE: Oh! Because– no, it’s
inaugural FIFA Peace Prize. Because when I think
of one sport that fosters peaceful coexistence– [LAUGHTER] –it’s the beautiful game. All right. Here we go. Who’s it going to be? Please welcome the very first
winner of the FIFA Peace Prize, the 45th and 47th president of
the United States of America, Mr. Donald J. Trump. Please. [APPLAUSE] Oh my god. [EXCLAIMS] I can’t
believe he won. Hey, everybody. He– oh my god,
I’m so surprised. [PANTING] [LAUGHTER] Oh my god, he won the prize
specifically created to appease him, the FIFA “Appease” Prize. Mr. President,
this is your prize. This is your Peace Prize. There is also
a beautiful medal for you that you can wear
everywhere you want to go. [LAUGHS] I’ll wear it right now. OK. Let me hold– ah, fantastic. Excellent. [APPLAUSE] No. [AUDIENCE BOOING] Not boo. Enjoy that. He’s so [BLEEP] weird. Enjoy that. The man just got
a made-up peace prize. And his first move is– [LAUGHTER] Like, he took– you
know, he’s so thirsty, he’s not even going to bag it. He’s like, (IMITATING
TRUMP) nah, I’ll just wear it
out of the store. No worries. [LAUGHTER] (IN REGULAR VOICE) I don’t
want to say anything. I don’t know if you guys got
a good look at the trophy. [LAUGHTER] But come on. I think its design somewhat
reflects, in all likelihood, how it was conceived. I take you to that meeting now. Why do we got to invent
some prize just to satisfy some fragile egomaniac? Trump is so needy. It’s like the world
always has to reach out and stroke his balls. Oh. Oh, Donald, you’re
such a good leader. Oh. You’re such a man of peace. Oh. You’re a man of peace. I love you. You’re the most peaceful man. They’re like, wait. Hold that pose. [LAUGHTER] Ferguson, I think
you’re on to something. [LAUGHTER] Seriously, come on. The craziest part
wasn’t necessarily Donald Trump being
awarded an entirely fictitious golden buttplug. It was the cognitive dissonance
of flipping over to the news channel’s post peace ceremony. REPORTER: Trump
administration ramping up pressure on Nicolas Maduro. REPORTER: On the brink
of war with Venezuela. REPORTER: Possibility
of regime change. REPORTER: President Trump
giving him a stern ultimatum– leave the country or else. The brink of war– President Trump. [LAUGHTER] Did this meaningless
award mean nothing to you? [LAUGHTER] The– the whole world
was tickling your balls. And– and– and Trump– Trump was like, I enjoy that. Wait, not you, Venezuela. No. [LAUGHTER] By the way, if you think
the Trump administration is not serious about Venezuela,
they seem to be setting a pretty nice table. REPORTER: The Pentagon surging
battleships towards the coast of Venezuela. REPORTER: Roughly 15,000
active-duty troops. REPORTER: The largest
US show of force in the Caribbean in decades. Well, not
including, of course, your friend Stephanie’s
destination bachelorette party. That is the largest show
of force in the Caribbean. You have to come. The T-shirts are
already printed. [LAUGHTER] So if you– [LAUGHTER] She had them printed. She’s a good friend. So if you think a military
buildup and planned regime change is inconsistent with
an award-winning man of peace, it’s even more
baffling when you think about how Trump ran
as the noninterventionist, non-regime-changey
America First candidate. And how the Secretary of War– [LAUGHTER] –and fake cop stripper at
Stephanie’s bachelorette party, Pete Hegseth, he laid out those
noninterventionist principles explicitly just days ago. The War Department
will not be distracted by democracy building,
interventionism, undefined wars, regime change,
and feckless nation building. [MUMBLING] To many Americans,
invading Venezuela to topple their leaders feels a little
interventiony, which now puts MAGA world in a quandary. MAGA believes
in non-foreign intervention. But they also believe in
blindly following their leader. How will they
square this circle and delicately
reassure us that Trump is not like those other
intervention presidents? Now, a lot of people
are gun shy after Iraq. And I understand that,
totally get that. [LAUGHTER] Totally. [LAUGHTER] What’s with the tone? You sound like a creepy
guy who’s trying to have sex with a widow. Hey, slugger. I loved your dad
too, but he’s gone. And you know I miss him. Totally get that. But your mom’s lonely. So I’m going to bang her. [LAUGHTER] This anchor is trying
to fertilize the soil, getting America used
to what might be, using his comfort voice and a
little bit of basic education. Let’s just go
over a few basics. Because maybe you don’t
know where Venezuela is, all right, like me. All right? I know it’s in South
America, very good. Let’s take a closer
look at South America. There it is. Now, be honest. When you look at that map,
who knows exactly where– which country it is? I know it’s at the tippy
top, one of those two. But– all right, there
it is, Venezuela. I had a feeling, but I
wasn’t 1,000% convinced. [LAUGHTER] You had a feeling? Do you guys not have
a meeting before the news, where they might show
you where Venezuela is before you go
on television so you don’t learn about it on air? Are you not an anchor? Do you just roll out
of bed and hit the ring light like a news influencer? Is that what this is? Is this supposed to be
one of those “get ready for war with me” videos? [LAUGHTER] All right. So now we know where Venezuela
is and that it’s yellow. [LAUGHTER] Who is its leader? What does he look like? What’s he into? How is he responding
to our provocation? Perhaps this video from his
anti-US intervention rally last week will explain. REPORTER: This is
the Venezuelan dictator dancing to a song “No War, Yes Peace.” I cannot believe he is doing
the Super Bowl halftime show. That is– [LAUGHTER] My God. Maduro– Maduro is unleashing
the most powerful weapon of all– the power of dance. If Maduro is challenging
Trump to a dance battle, we may be in trouble. [LAUGHTER] [ENERGETIC MUSIC] [CHEERING] Wait a minute. Maduro’s on the 2’s and 4’s. And he can do a dance
without giving a [SPANISH]. [LAUGHTER] Yeah. You can google that later. That’s a literal translation. I’m sure that’s not what
they actually call– I’m sure, like, when
you’re with a girl or guy, you’re not like, how
about a [SPANISH]? [LAUGHTER] But I know what MAGA is doing. They’re convincing us that
Iraq was an entirely different set of circumstances. That country was led
by a sword-wielding, mustachioed madman
who held an iron grip on his people and his power. Nicolas Maduro
is nothing like– Oh, shit. [LAUGHTER] Well, look, I’m sure a lot of
leaders use the same sword guy. Superficial coincidence–
same sword, same mustache. I’m sure they wore
different hats. It’s not a kind of a– oh, boy. [LAUGHTER] All right. So the two dictators share
a remarkably similar taste in facial hair, body shape,
ceremonial sabers, and headgear. It doesn’t mean that
the pretext for the wars will be the same. That drugged-out
dinghy was a floating weapon of mass destruction. Every boat carrying fentanyl
and drugs in this country is a weapon of mass
destruction. Are you [BLEEP]
kidding me right now? You guys have the balls to tell
us that the pretext for Iraq was bullshit, and that
war was a mistake, and we’re not like
that, and also, Venezuela has weapons
of mass destruction, and we have to stop them. Or is WMD just the new
slang, like, yo, bro. Venezuela’s total WMD, 6-7. What’s up? Like, is that what we’re doing? And for those of you
who are like, oh my god, I didn’t even realize
that all the fentanyl in the US comes
from Venezuela– uh, that’s because it doesn’t. Like, almost none
of it– like, none of it. Look. You know what? [APPLAUSE] I didn’t want
to have to do this, but you have forced my hand. If you’re going to bring back
early 2000s, geopolitics, I’m going to have
to bring back early 2000s Daily Show gotcha clips. Because as much as you
say war with Venezuela would be so different
from Iraq, it seems like you may be using
the neocons’ sales manual. Like, other than WMDs, why
was it so important to take down Saddam Hussein? –his regime as an act
of support for and cooperation with terrorist networks. [GASPS] Terrorist networks. That’s the worst
kind of networks. [LAUGHTER] Even including Paramount+. It’s the worst kind of network. Well– [CHEERS, APPLAUSE] Settle down. You were going to get me fired. [LAUGHTER] Well, you’ll never guess
where the terrorists are now. –Iran. It’s IRGC and even Hezbollah. They have planted their flag
on Venezuelan territory with the full and open
cooperation of that regime. Wow. So if you’re saying we
go to war with Venezuela, we’re also getting
into a proxy war with Iran. I’m sold. Now, if I remember
correctly, though, Iraq lasted until still. [LAUGHTER] And what did they
say about that? I think it would
be a cakewalk. I don’t think it
that tough a fight. I think the saddest part
of getting into a war of choice in 2025 is that Dick Cheney
won’t be around to see it. [LAUGHTER] [CHEERS, APPLAUSE] Don’t do that! The only solace is, I’m
sure that he is looking up at us right now, really proud. Probably some birds
picking, you know– But, yeah, you know,
quick and easy. That was a rock. Guess what they’re saying now. A few punches to the face,
and they will go. This is going to be an easy
job for the United States. How eerie is
the Iraq parallel? Well, we got one guy making
the same case for both wars. And, yes, it’s who you think. Saddam Hussein’s
a threat to my country. He’s a threat
to our way of life. He needs to go. Maduro is a existential
threat to the people of the United States. It is time for Maduro to go. Now, to be fair, some
things have changed over the last 20 years. You know, back
in the Iraq war, we used to play clips of Lindsey
Graham and make jokes, suggesting that
he’s secretly gay. But now we know that
that was inappropriate. [LAUGHTER] We know. We knot it was inappropriate. But you know what? You know what? I’m not even going
to play around anymore. [BLEEP] it.
Hit me with the works. Iraq, Venezuela. Go! We’re giving them
full opportunity to do it the easy way. And when it doesn’t work,
we’ll do it the hard way. If we can do things
the easy way, that’s fine. And if we have to do it
the hard way, that’s fine, too. Chemical weapons is
a threat to the United States. REPORTER: Fentanyl
poses a chemical weapons threat to the United States. –Al-Qaeda
terrorists inside Iraq. –Al-Qaeda of our hemisphere. If we can get rid
of Saddam, it could really begin to transform the region. There’s an opportunity
to transform the entire region. –bringing freedom
and democracy. Democracy and freedom– –can serve as a– –beacon of hope.
MAN: Shock– –and awe. Shock and awe indeed. If you think this is getting
confusing, you’re not alone. Even senators can’t keep these
Bush or Trump wars straight. This is Senator Tom
Cotton from this weekend. I think President
Bush has every power under the Constitution
to strike boats in international waters. Oopsie-poopsie! [LAUGHTER] That was a little Freudian. Feels like calling
the teacher “mom” in the middle of a war crime. Well, let’s be fair. These wars aren’t
exactly the same. For example, how
the Bush administration went to great pains to convince
everyone that the Iraq war had a higher purpose. It has nothing
to do with oil. Literally nothing
to do with oil. Literally. Nothing. So, yeah, the one lesson
this administration seems to have
taken from Iraq is, beyond the weapons
of mass destruction and fentanyl disruption
and regime change, yada yada, yada,
there might also be a side benefit to this
war you should know about. Venezuela has the largest
reserves of oil in the world. –Venezuela that has a rich– talk about rich natural
energy resources. –massive oil reserves.
They have gold. They have rare earths. Oil, gold and minerals. And I am sure there are
US companies that would like to do business there. Venezuela for the American
oil companies will be a field day. You know, I didn’t think
this war was a wise decision, but if it helps the oil
companies smile again– [LAUGHTER] So basically, all
the bullshit reasons we used to justify
the disastrous war in Iraq, the non-interventionist
Trump regime, are trotting out to justify
war in Venezuela. So how is this
war not considered a foreign entanglement? Well, it’s easy. By redefining the word foreign. An America first means we
need a Western Hemisphere where America is dominant. If you’re focused
on America and America first, you start with your own
hemisphere, where we live. America first also
means the Americas first. South America literally
has the name America in it. [LAUGHTER] So it’s ours. Our [BLEEP] name is on it. We own that shit. Don’t you get it? America’s new foreign
policy is basically this– don’t kill people there. Kill the people over here. In your own time zone. It’s classic advice. Shit where you eat. [LAUGHTER] That’s the new Trump doctrine. It’s not in any way
about stable democracies. It’s about spheres
of influence. Russia can have their sphere of
influence, including Ukraine. China can have theirs. And probably Taiwan. And we get South America. America is no longer
the shining city on the hill. It is merely just one
of the five crime families splitting up the territories. And that’s how they like it. But beyond that, it is
2005 all over again. And the main thing– [HISSING] What the– BLEEP. What the– Jon! Jon! [CHEERS, APPLAUSE] Hello! [COUGHING] Jo– Jon! JON STEWART: Oh my god. Jon! Oh my god. – Jon.
– What? – Hi.
– I can’t believe this. Oh my god. This is unbelievable. [CHEERS, APPLAUSE] This– guys, this
is former Iraq-era Daily Show correspondent
Rob Corddry is here. [CHEERS, APPLAUSE] This is amazing. Now– now, what
are you doing here, and why are you dressed
like Marty McFly? Good question, Jon. I just time-traveled here
from 2005 into the present because i need to warn you. The war in Iraq is a disaster. We cannot, Jon,
make that mistake ever again in the future. [LAUGHTER] Uh, yeah, we know. We’re in the future. This– we– we lived
through that already. No. [LAUGHTER] [BLEEP] Oh. Oh my god. Oh, you’re right Oh, it
would have made a lot more sense to go to the past, huh? [LAUGHTER] Stupid idiot! JON STEWART: Then you– then
you could have warned them. Yeah, giant– giant
waste of a time machine. You know what? I should have– I
should have gone back in time and [BLEEP] my mom. Yes. Yes. That’s the movie. But– here we are,
in the present, Jon. We’re in the present. Yes, which I’m
assuming is 2095 or– [LAUGHTER] 2025. Oh. Yeah, well, you look great. [LAUGHTER] It’s been a long 20 years. [CHEERS, APPLAUSE] I could see how you
made the mistake. But it’s been a long–
but you know what, man, it’s unbelievable to see you. I gotta say, how
did you get here? Did you, like, jump
in a hot-tub time machine, or is it a– A hot– a hot tub– I’m sorry. What is that now? It’s a title
of a hit movie that you will eventually star in. Hot Tub Time Machine? JON STEWART: Yeah, yeah. Jesus. JON STEWART: Yeah. Wow. Sounds like my career really
went down the toilet, huh? [LAUGHTER] But, hey, clearly
not yours, Jon. I would like
to congratulate you on hosting this television
program for 26 years straight without interruption. Yeah! Oh! What a run. What a run. I always figured, you
know, you’d get antsy and leave to host a–
a less popular version of this very show
on a prestigious but little-watched competitor. [LAUGHTER] Was not viewed
by many, but at least it was more expensive to make. Look, Rob, I don’t think you
time-traveled all the way here to just talk about my career. No. No, yeah, I came back to warn
you about the Iraq thing, but apparently you
still know everything. Anyway, you know,
since I’m here, maybe– maybe you can update me
on some of my favorite people. JON STEWART: Absolutely, yeah. Like– OK, hey, how is my
comedy idol Bill Cosby doing? [LAUGHTER] America’s dad. Not– not great. Oh, jeez. JON STEWART: Yeah, yeah. OK, OK. Ah. Now, how about my favorite
actor, Kevin Spacey? He’s fine. He’s totally fine. – Not– not– not great.
– Wow. Not great, yeah. Wow, OK. All right, how about
my favorite reality show, The Apprentice? I mean, that one– that one’s still going. That show was a hoot. Yeah, it’s not
on the air anymore. What? Really?
JON STEWART: Yeah. What has happened
to this place? It’s a dystopia. I mean, you’re fired. You’re fired. So good. It’s so good. I could watch that guy– I could watch that guy
all day, every single day for the rest of my life. Rob Corddry, everybody.

Trump contradicts his phony FIFA peace prize by cranking up the heat on military action in Venezuela, a country Newsmax host Greg Kelly couldn’t find on a map, and Jon Stewart gets an assist from The Daily Show archives and a time-traveling Rob Corddry to show how MAGA’s drumbeat for war with Venezuela is Iraq all over again. #DailyShow #JonStewart #Trump #Venezuela #FIFA

0:00 – Jon Stewart’s TDS Welcome
0:57 – Donald Trump Wins the Inaugural FIFA Peace Prize
3:58 – The U.S. is “On the Brink of War” with Venezuela
6:23 – News Anchor Lays Out Trump’s Military Moves
9:54 – MAGA Tries to Say Venezuela is Nothing Like Iraq
11:33 – Jon Stewart Compares Iraq Coverage to Venezuela Coverage
18:23 – Rob Coddry Weighs in on MAGA’s Venezuela Coverage

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