North over everything: Canada redefines itself for the middle-power era

One week from the start of our national international sports tournament, U.S. President Donald Trump is at it again. This time he’s concocted a Seussian trade scenario with Xi Jinping in the role of the Grinch, slipping down Canada’s chimneys to swipe our skates.

“The first thing [China is] going to do is say, ‘You’re not allowed to play ice hockey any more,’” Trump said Thursday, according to the New York Times. “That’s not good. Canada’s not going to like that.”

Are we running ads for these Games? If so, can we cancel them and get our money back? Because this Olympics doesn’t need any more marketing. Trump’s doing it for us for free.

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Meanwhile, over on the Canadian bench, the team is getting a slightly amended pregame talk. It’s no longer ‘Try your best.’ It’s ‘Win.’

We’re not in Al Davis territory yet. There’s no “just” implied in that statement. It’s still Canada. Comportment matters. But with America acting the fool, our cultural institutions are being gradually switched over from ‘Everybody’s Special’ mode to ‘You Eat What You Kill.’

The Canadian Olympic Committee released its vision for itself this past week, which is its way of asking for money. It calls it ‘Team Canada 2035.’

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In the near past, most of the action items you’d find in these kinds of documents would be progressive boilerplate about equality, diversity and the environment. That’s still in there, but No. 1 with a bullet is results.

Its primary target – “becoming a top-five nation by combined medal count at both Summer and Winter Olympic Games.”

Winter Games, sure, but Canada’s hasn’t cracked the top 10 in a Sumer Games this century. Now we’re saying we’re going to be in there slugging with Australia and Britain in 10 years? I love it. Why not? It’s not like anyone’s against the idea of building more parks and swimming pools.

A couple of days after that, Canada named the flag-bearers for the Milan opening ceremonies. This is usually done on the eve of festivities for maximum press spread.

It’s also usually a bit of stunt. The COC isn’t picking the best athlete, as such. It is looking for the one(s) with the most brand-name recognition competing in sports with heat.

It picked two this time around. The more notable of them was Marielle Thompson, mostly because she is not notable.

Thompson competes in ski cross – not exactly a national pastime. You don’t know her from billboards. She has 10,000 followers on Instragram, which isn’t enough to get you a comped meal on Boul. Saint-Laurent.

What Thompson, 33, has done is win, steadily and over a long stretch of time. She won a gold in Sochi, a silver in Beijing and is looking for more in Italy. Thompson is the new ideal of a Canadian Olympic athlete.

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On just about every level in every wealthy nation, the 21st century has been defined by non-competition. We didn’t have to fight each other any more, so why bother pretending? We would co-operate our way to universal prosperity.

When the Russians cheated rampantly at Sochi, the overwhelming response was, ‘LOL!’ Didn’t they get the memo back in the nineties? Nobody gives a damn that you would definitely beat them at … /checks notes … skeleton. If we ever have a tobogganing war, remind the rest of us to be scared.

In that environment, the perfect Olympic athlete was one who was competitive, yes, but, more importantly, easy to sell. Someone you could wrap a makeup campaign around. This is when the cliché of the lavishly hyped underachiever developed. We decided before the Games who the stars were – how else were you supposed to sell ads? – and adjusted the record afterward.

That’s over now. Canada is swinging back in the direction of the quiet professional. This is the sort of person who gets the job done before they come looking for payment. The kind who is too busy in the gym to generate daily online content.

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This is Own the Podium in the middle-power era. The Canada Soccer scandal at the Paris Games discredited the idea of glamour outfits winning at all costs, including to our international reputation.

No more presales. No more hype. What Canada needs is tangible, territorial gains. Since we are not a martial culture, we will make those advances on the Olympic medal table. There are no nobodies at the top of that list. Imperial heavy hitters, every single one of them.

In the recent past, every Canadian Olympics has the same vibe progression. There is anxiety until a gold medal is won, followed by a great release. The next gold after that is wonderful. The next one after that is good. The next one after that is fine.

This is different at a Winter Games, where there is a gold peak at the beginning. That’s followed by a trough, rising to a crescendo at the end if Canada wins at hockey (or disappointment if it loses).

This time around, I suspect we will reconfigure this model. Now, every medal of every colour is a bit of ground gained on our opponents to the south. Special weight will be given to medals – again, of any colour – won unexpectedly, or over an American.

The new ideal Canadian Olympic performance right is someone we’ve never heard of taking out an American starlet. Who’s got a Canadian victory over Lindsey Vonn and Mikaela Shiffrin in the downhill in their office pool? The woman who can do that is Paul Henderson 2.0.

The Olympics has always been a national mission, but more along the lines of a challenging day hike than advancing on a beachhead.

It’s still not war, but it is a battle to shore up our cohesiveness and our self-image, as well as the sense of both that we project to the world. In that environment, all manner of competitors are great. But what Canada really needs are closers.