You have to love the Firm. Barely three months ago, and in true Corleone style, the (royal) Family made Princesses Beatrice and Eugenie an offer they couldn’t refuse. Spend Christmas in Sandringham with us, they said, but don’t bring those increasingly toxic and Epstein-tainted parents, Andrew and Fergie. After all, to paraphrase Brando’s Vito Corleone, a princess who doesn’t spend time with her extended family can never be a real princess. Beatrice and Eugenie yielded. They spent Christmas at Sandringham. They remained loyal to the Family and to the royal omertà. And now? Badabing badaboom! They’re out!
Yes, according to “well-placed sources”, The Mail on Sunday has revealed that the princesses have been axed from this summer’s Royal Ascot procession, that the Prince and Princess of Wales are now determined to keep Beatrice and Eugenie “at arm’s length” and that this difficult situation is likely to last “for the rest of the year” or at least until all that nasty Epstein business blows over (2039? 2055?). “It’s nothing personal,” William is alleged to have said, in my head at least, while firmly holding Beatrice and Eugenie’s faces in his terrifyingly powerful hands. “It’s strictly business!”
And it is, of course, business. Specifically the kind of business that allegedly drove Sarah Ferguson, in July 2009, together with Beatrice (then 20) and Eugenie (19) to seek some cordial financial advice from Jeffrey Epstein in his plush Miami mansion while he was then under house arrest after being convicted of soliciting sex from a 14-year-old girl. Oh to be a fly on that wall! Oh to witness the elephant dodging in that room!
• Epstein files raise questions over Princess Eugenie’s charity
Meanwhile, now that Beatrice and Eugenie have appeared “several times” in the most recent tranche of files (Eugenie appears to be mentioned over 300 times), their financial affairs are coming under closer scrutiny, especially Eugenie’s role as the founder of the charity The Anti-Slavery Collective. There is, nonetheless, no suggestion of any wrongdoing by Beatrice and Eugenie and several organisations associated with the princesses have stood by them since the release of the Epstein files. And as for everyone else? It’s almost as if appearing in the Epstein files over 300 times, or apparently accepting Epstein’s hospitality is enough for everyone to perhaps assume, incorrectly, clearly, that you’re a wrong’un.
Beatrice, incidentally, is the princess who, in 2015, was reported to have enjoyed fifteen holidays in that one year, including stays in Verbier, St Tropez and Ibiza. Her salary at Sony Pictures that year was £19,500. So definitely a big Martin Lewis fan, and of his mantra, “Having money is not happiness, but not having money destroys lives.” I know what else destroys lives.
The official ostracism of Beatrice and Eugenie has apparently been in the works for some time now. My favourite detail from the weekend’s reporting was the disclosure that William and Kate had been “careful” to avoid being photographed alongside the princesses during the royal walkabout on that famous Corleone Christmas Day. “No, you go ahead! Honestly! I insist, you first! We’ll just hang back here in the car, basically hidden, for the next hour or so!”
And furthermore, Prince William is said to have advised “other royals” not to appear in photos alongside the princesses. That’s harsh, quite controlling and, frankly, very tricky to enforce, especially in the era of the smartphone selfie. I guess it’s time for some Shia LaBeouf style paper bags for all junior royals — actor LaBeouf infamously wore a paper bag while on the red carpet for his 2014 film Nymphomaniac, because he wanted some privacy.
• Comment: If you’re such a saint, Eugenie, start talking
Speaking of privacy. If only there was someone who could bring much needed rationality to bear on this entire situation. If only there was someone with experience of royal missteps. If only there was …wait! Is that a bird? Is it a plane? Or is it a virtue-signalling nitwit with a beige house, a therapist on perma-call and a counterintuitive desire to simultaneously become the word’s most private and most public person? Yes, Prince Harry has allegedly entered the fray with a rumoured offer, for Beatrice especially, to use the Sussexes’ £11 million Montecito mansion as a “bolt hole”. Yep, perish the thought that she might have to live in an actual house!
Harry has apparently issued an open invitation to the princesses to stay in the Montecito safe house (a safe house is where you stay, in movies, when you’re on the run from the Family). He has allegedly told them (with a macho swagger?) that he “knows what it’s like to be at the wrong end of the institution.” What a bloody good bloke! And that royal institution has really done him wrong! And he was, like, totally blameless. He said so in his booky-wook.
I’d say that Harry, Meghan, Beatrice and Eugenie could have an absolute hoot in Montecito, making candles, placing cheap peanut butter pretzels inside expensive packaging, and generally moaning about how tough it is when you’re totally fabulous and innocent of every accusation but everyone in the real world thinks that you’re a wrong’n nonetheless. And think of all the selfies they could take? And without paper bags too. My money’s on a Netflix series. The Princess Diaries? The Prince and the Paupers? A Right Royal Knees-up? Or, my favourite, It’s a Royal Knockout.