Just hours after the United States and Israel launched strikes on an Iranian oil storage facility — an attack that reportedly caused additional casualties in Lebanon — Saturday Night Live tackled the rapidly escalating conflict in its March 7 cold open.

The sketch, titled “Hegseth Iran Presser,” imagined a chaotic press conference led by Department of War Secretary Pete Hegseth, played once again by Colin Jost, who continues to rack up screen time in SNL Season 51.

“Alright, listen up, dipsticks, okay? ‘Cause this is actually serious, okay? As you may have seen from our epic Pentagon meme drops, we’re treating Iran like the breathalyzer in my car and blowing it the hell up,” Jost’s Hegseth said, before singing to the tune of his “hero” Papa Roach’s “Last Resort”: “Cut Iran into pieces, make it a Trump resort.”

“So now I’m gonna be taking your questions and throwing them directly into a trash can,” he added.

When a reporter (Tommy Brennan) attempted to ask about the war, Hegseth immediately pushed back.

“Wait, whoa, wait. Wait. Wait. ‘War?’ Okay. Whoever called this a ‘war’? Except maybe the President a couple times accidentally,” Jost’s Hegseth said. “This isn’t a war. Also, why do we have to put labels on everything, okay? What are you, my high-school girlfriend? Which I had! This isn’t a war, okay? It’s a situationship.”

Throughout the sketch, Hegseth repeatedly dodged questions about whether U.S. troops might be deployed to Iran, the possibility of retaliation against Americans, and whether critics are right that the conflict could spiral into a prolonged quagmire.

One reporter (Sarah Sherman) also called out the real-life Hegseth’s fondness for rhyming slogans when discussing U.S. military policy.

“Last week, you said that the U.S. defense agenda was ‘maximum lethality, not tepid legality’ and ‘violent effects, not politically correct,’” she said. “Uh, what did you mean by that? And why did it rhyme?”

“Uh, ’cause I’m white Hamilton? I’m just like my country, I’m drunk, angry, and horny / And they made me throw away my scotch,” Jost’s Hegseth replied, launching into a quick parody of Hamilton’s “My Shot.”

The sketch also referenced the mounting human toll from the ongoing conflict. Since the United States joined Israel in striking Iran on February 28, hundreds of people have reportedly been killed across the Middle East, including six American soldiers. Following three U.S. military deaths on March 1, President Donald Trump told NBC News, “We have three, but we expect casualties, but in the end it’s going to be a great deal for the world.”

Additional casualties include an elementary school bombing that killed 170 people — most of them young children — which NBC News reports is “increasingly likely” to have been caused by U.S. strikes.

The sketch also nodded to the controversy surrounding AI-augmented video mashups shared by White House and government social media accounts, which frame the military offensive like a blockbuster war movie. Critics say some of the clips use their likenesses without permission, including Pokémon and actor-director Ben Stiller, who wrote on X, “war is not a movie.”

“If we don’t know what we’re doing, then Iran definitely doesn’t know what we’re doing,” Jost’s Hegseth told reporters.

The sketch wrapped with Ashley Padilla’s Kristi Noem entering the room after being, as Hegseth put it, “reassigned under the bus.”

Explaining that she was “self-deporting” following her dismissal as Homeland Security Secretary, Noem delivered a final sendoff before exiting the podium.

“As I told my plastic surgeon, the work is never done. But I gave my all to the DHS, and I have no regrets,” she said.

You can watch the full “Hegseth Iran Presser” cold open above. New episodes of Saturday Night Live are also available to stream anytime on Peacock.