WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Secretary of State Marco Rubio was reportedly in an irreversible coma on Monday after falling down several flights of White House stairs in an ill-fitting pair of Florsheim shoes.
According to witnesses, Rubio tumbled down the marble steps headfirst before braining himself on a newly installed statue of Russian President Vladimir Putin.
Donald J. Trump, who had demanded that Rubio wear the hazardous wingtips, took the mishap in stride, telling reporters, “It is what it is.”
Briefing the media, White House press secretary Karoline Leavitt said, “We are confident that Marco Rubio’s coma will in no way affect his performance as Secretary of State.”
