Restorative justice gave Ann Grosmaire’s parents a voice

Vatican News

After their daughter Ann was killed by her boyfriend, Deacon Andy and Kate Grosmaire wanted to tell him what her death had done to their family. They also wanted a say in how he would be held accountable.

“Restorative justice gave us a voice and say so in what we wanted to see,” Deacon Andy told Vatican News.

Ann was 19 when Conor McBride shot her in Tallahassee, Florida, on Palm Sunday in 2010. She died days later. He was someone her parents knew well, having lived with them for a few months.

Restorative justice brings people harmed by crime into a supported dialogue with the person responsible, seeking acknowledgment of the damage and ways to address it. This dialogue seeks to make room for the needs of victims and for the offender’s rehabilitation.

For the Grosmaires, that meant helping shape a sentence while confronting the loss that no sentence could repair.

Kate remembers initially expecting little room for their wishes in the legal process. Meeting facilitator Sujatha Baliga opened another possibility.

Months of preparation followed, as the couple considered what they wanted to say.

They eventually sat down with Conor, his parents, legal representatives, and their parish priest. They could speak about Ann and ask questions about her death.

Deacon Andy had wrestled with the feeling that he had failed to protect his daughter. Hearing Conor explain what happened helped him recognize the limits of what he could have prevented.

“Asking him what happened, I realized there’s nothing I could have done,” he said.

He described the uncertainty that can follow a violent death when the person responsible says nothing. In that silence, he said, families can imagine many possibilities.

The conversation allowed the Grosmaires to hear Conor’s account directly and respond to it. For Kate, dialogue helped healing begin.

That encounter also required Conor to listen to the suffering he had caused. According to Deacon Andy, Conor later described facing them in the circle as harder than anything he had experienced in prison.

They requested 10 to 15 years of imprisonment followed by probation, with anger management classes, speaking about teen dating violence and volunteering in areas Ann would have supported. They were also clear that they would never seek the death penalty.

Their proposals helped shape a plea agreement that resulted in 20 years in prison followed by ten years of probation, incorporating those additional conditions.

In Tallahassee, the process had been little known and had never been used for a capital crime, according to Catholic Mobilizing Network, which works with the couple.

Kate says Conor has since completed anger management classes and now helps other incarcerated men with them. He has recorded a public service announcement about teen dating violence and volunteers his time within the prison.

She believes accepting responsibility changed the way he began serving his sentence. He could no longer simply blame the system for where he was.

“It also gave him the opportunity for the redemption that we knew was possible for him,” she said.

The couple’s decision to forgive preceded the restorative process. Kate stresses that Ms. Baliga made a distinction: forgiveness is not required to participate in restorative justice. Someone can arrive angry and still seek an honest conversation about the harm suffered.

Nor does forgiveness necessarily require reconciliation. Their two surviving daughters, Kate says, have forgiven Conor in their own ways, without feeling obliged to remain in contact with him.

Kate and Andy continue to speak with him, but Deacon Andy insists he is not their lifelong project.

Faith prepared them for the difficult work of forgiveness. Both served in their parish’s healing prayer ministry. Kate, a Secular Franciscan, prayed for a greater capacity to forgive and saw the peace it brought to others.

“I knew if I wanted peace in my life, that I would have to forgive and the peace would come,” Kate said. “And it absolutely did.”

Deacon Andy was still in formation for the deaconate when Ann died. He believes resentment would have prevented him from becoming a deacon.

“I didn’t want to go to prison with Conor,” he said, describing the alternative as “a prison of my own heart.”

The couple now advocates for restorative justice through public speaking and the Ann Grosmaire “Be The Change” Fund, which they established to promote forgiveness and restorative justice practices.

Ann remains present in their memories as a young woman who loved animals and hoped to establish an animal rehabilitation centre. Kate hopes her daughter’s legacy now also speaks of love, forgiveness, and redemption.

Their grief continues, especially at holidays and family celebrations, when Ann’s absence is unmistakable. Forgiveness has allowed them to find peace within that mourning.

“But you remember that you forgave, and then you can find that within that place of mourning in that moment that can be intense, you can realize that there’s still peace there,” Kate said. “So, we can have bad days, but we don’t have to live a bad life.”