here lads, whats the S.O.P for this…missus is downstairs having some vino with her pal, kids have headphones in…what do I do here? FYI just had a big shite 😁

32 comments

  1. Two choices; clench the cheeks and waddle to the toilet roll, wipe with hand and wash thoroughly after. Both aren’t great but I’d go for option A

  18. Firstly flush the jacks to reduce the smell of ass in the bathroom.
    Remove the spent roll from the holder and retain. Remove shoes, a sock, underwear and trousers from person. Waddle to the sink. Careful relocate the kids’ toothbrushes. Place the spent roll over the faucet and angle it in a fashion that resembles a swans neck.
    Turn your back to the sink and careful ease yourself backwards until your arse touches the cold porcelain sink.
    At this point some ballet like technique is required; raise your entire body upwards by leaning on to your tippy toes but continue to move rearward.
    At the point where your rancid anus touches the cardboard of the roll, stop!
    Now using your left hand, turn on the tap. If it’s a mixer turn it slightly to the left but not so far that you scald your scrotom and require paramedics. If it’s a two system then a level of finesse is required.
    Once the water is flowing through your cardboard swan neck the larger faeces will topple into the sink. Leave them for now. The priority is to clean the anus first. Once sufficient warm water has passed over ones anus the majority of the effluent will be removed. Using the previously removed sock, dabbed the remaining poo and water from your less filthy hole and remove yourself from the sink area.

    Dress yourself, banishing the putrid sock to the bin. Remove the swan neck toilet roll from the faucet and in a spatula type fashion, push the remaining lumps of turd through the sink hole grate. Then dispose of roll holder to the bin along with your soiled sock.
    Wash hands, return kids toothbrushes to their rightful position and walk smugly from the bathroom with the bin contents to be later destroyed thus avoiding any subsequent forensic investigation.

  31. Use your hand, smear it on the walls and blame the kids mate or pull your trousers up and walk like a penguin to get more roll.

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