How to get over “USA mindset” working in Germany

Yes I know, another American trying to make everything on the internet about the USA even while living in Germany. I’m sure it’s very annoying.

But the struggle is real. Working culture in the US is [horrible to the point where it’s really hard to exaggerate for comedic effect](https://www.instagram.com/reel/CyBkrkqAyca/?igshid=MTc4MmM1YmI2Ng%3D%3D). Even though I have worked on a permanent contract in Germany for over 3 years, have a good professional network, and have been asked to speak at several conferences locally, I constantly feel like I’m just one step from losing everything. My job, my apartment, my healthcare, my career. I have to fight this feeling all day, every day. And it’s not always possible to fight anymore.

I recently went on burnout leave for three weeks and didn’t tell any friends or family back home except my dad, because we talk regularly and I didn’t know how to answer “how is work” questions. He was really horrified and didn’t know what to say because no one takes sick leave like this in the US unless they’re in the hospital (and even then, rarely for this long.) I felt like I had to reassure him that I was not going to…do something you can’t mention on Reddit, because that’s basically what taking that amount of time off would equate to in the US. I had to pretend that I actually totally fine when I wasn’t, because I didn’t want him to be afraid for me.

I know that sick leave, even for mental health reasons, is normal here. Intellectually, I know it. But in the US, taking mental health leave like this and struggling with anxiety like I did would have been a disaster for my career. Now coming back, I can’t help but feel like everyone is looking at me at work like, “see that crazy flaky lady over there” or “what a weirdo” because they know I went on leave (I only told a few trusted work friends it was mental health leave, but people gossip.) I feel like I can’t be trusted with projects because I failed to be productive while I was suffering from burnout and I need to prove to everyone that I deserve to stay in my job. Prove it minute by minute, hour by hour.

It’s maybe worth mentioning that due to layoffs I’m not only doing my old job, but also learning the job of people who were let go and while simultaneously teaching my old job to my new colleagues and learning new technology. While my European colleagues are just like “ugh, this job sucks lol” and accept the learning curve/late stage capitalist bullshit, I feel like I am enduring existential threat every single time I do something wrong. My cultural conditioning tells me that only “excellence” is acceptable and can guarantee the safety of my finances, housing, and career. Because in the US, you need to constantly be giving “110%” to your job.

I know that this is is my American culture speaking, that I have good qualifications and even if my German isn’t great, I still know people and have good professional contacts (and a fair amount of privilege as a white woman from the USA) and would probably figure something out. Even with my husband being unemployed I still save money every month and have decent financial security. But this mindset that comes from surviving in US – that you have to constantly fight and worry about preventing catastrophe, and if you ever relax your vigilance, “positive attitude” or productivity then not only *will* bad things happent to you but you’ll also *deserve* them – well, it gets to me. Hard. And even while intellectually I know it’s just my messed up culture, it’s so hard to undo a lifetime of conditioning, especially as an immigrant where my situation is geninunely somewhat precarious.

I dunno if anyone has been through the same situation, but honestly it might help to talk to people who have faced something similar. My German and EU friends that I’ve talked to just feel bad for me and are supportive, but there’s not a lot of people I know who know what it’s like to actually face this situation. Again, I’m in a position of privilege and there are immigrants from other countries in MUCH worse situations facing challenges I will never experience. I’m trying to go out more – I’ve signed up for an art class, and I try to spend as much time outside as I can – and I’ve made myself tell friends what’s been going on. (My friends here anyway. I still hide the truth from my American friends.) But it’s also hard doing all this when I’m also taking a course, working full time, dealing with a depressed unemployed spouse, and trying to not freak myself out again.

It’s just…hard to describe the feeling if you haven’t been born in a country with a functioning social safety net, where you can really see your whole life ruined just so, so easily. With just one mistake or bad luck. (Though US culture tends to equate the two.) And the only way to feel safe is to keep everything together, all of the time. And then to know that that’s impossible 🙁

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And uh…sorry if your lifelong dream was to move to LA and be a DJ or something and I just crushed it.

by Aschlay