One-third of victims of domestic violence are male, yet they receive only 1pc of the budget allocated to the issue – Independent.ie
One-third of victims of domestic violence are male, yet they receive only 1pc of the budget allocated to the issue – Independent.ie
40 comments
From the article:
Jack (not his real name) was prepared to stay in his abusive marriage for the sake of his two children, but in the end his now ex-wife threw him out of the family home.
“I had come into a large sum of money, but when that ran out she kicked me out,” he said. “I worked full-time as well and handed over almost every penny of it to her every week. I was afraid not to. But when the lump sum ran out, she wanted me gone. I didn’t want to stay in a relationship with her — it was all based on coercive control and psychological abuse. But I was prepared to stay, just for my kids. My view was, ‘I’ve made my bed, now I have to lie in it’.”
More than five years have passed since the couple split, but Jack’s life has not improved. That is because he has limited access to his two children, who are both under 12. He says his ex uses them as “a weapon” to cause him further pain.
“Looking back, there were red flags from the very beginning of the relationship, but I dismissed them,” said Jack. “She was a compulsive liar and very narcissistic but charming too. As we got to know each other, she knew my strengths and my weaknesses. Little did I know that later she would use my weaknesses against me to abuse and hurt me — things she knew I was self-conscious about. I wanted to settle down and have a family, so we did, but then her controlling and coercive behaviour only got worse.”
The middle-aged man, from Leinster, says he put up with daily taunts and abuse about his appearance and intelligence and “cannot repeat” some of the name-calling. He worked six days a week and would hand over his weekly pay packet to his wife. “I would be exhausted. I would come home from work and then have to make the dinner. On my day off, my job was to clean the house. I wouldn’t tell the lads in work what she put me through, they wouldn’t believe me. I never went out, I didn’t see my friends any more. I had no money to go out anyway, but even if I did, it wouldn’t be worth the abuse from her the next day.
“I used to read my son a bedtime story every night. Then overnight, that was all gone. She has done everything she can to stop me seeing the kids. It’s been very bad for my children’s mental health. I have found it very hard to cope myself and have had some very dark times. If it wasn’t for my children, I wouldn’t still be here.”
Jack said his ex-wife’s behaviour was escalating to the point of violence just before they split up. “It was getting very close to physical. It was scary and just getting worse, screaming close to my face and threatening me. I don’t know where it would have ended up. I was absolutely terrified of her. In some ways, I’m lucky. I had a family member I could go and live with. But I’ve met men since who had nowhere to go after their abusive marriages ended.”
After his marriage broke up, Jack reached out to Men’s Aid, Ireland’s only dedicated national service supporting men experiencing domestic violence, including coercive control. The charity also assists men in the family law courts in gaining access to their children. Jack said: “They’ve been brilliant. I don’t know where I’d be without all the help, support and counselling Men’s Aid has given me over the years.”
His fight for increased access to his children is still tied up in the courts. It is an ongoing challenge, both emotionally and financially. “It wears you down. I only do it for my kids. She’s even tried to poison them against me and it’s been very hard. Covid has been another excuse she’s used to keep them from me. She tried to keep them away from me just to break my heart. I have done nothing wrong, that’s the frustrating thing.
“The court system is so unfair and biased against fathers. Until there’s a fundamental change in the law to give fathers equal rights, things will not improve for fathers like me. There really needs to be some training for the judges. The emotional abuse I suffered for so long, I never got over it.
“I haven’t been able to have a relationship since, and I don’t think I ever will. My confidence was chipped away at for so long. Eventually, you do begin to say to yourself, ‘Maybe I am as useless and worthless as she says’. But I know now that it was emotional and psychological abuse. If even one other man recognises himself in this story and gets help, I’ll be happy
Last week, Men’s Aid reported a 30pc increase in demand for its domestic violence support services last year compared with 2020. It reported disclosures of female partners biting, scratching, kicking, slapping and stabbing as well as men attending appointments with visible bruises, black eyes and stitches. It receives daily reports of coercive controlling behaviours — invisible abuse that family, neighbours and work colleagues cannot see. Emotional, psychological, verbal and mental abuse were reported as the most harming and difficult to recover from, Men’s Aid CEO Kathrina Bentley said, adding that Jack’s story of sustained emotional abuse is not unusual .
“There are about 50 refuges for women and children victims of domestic abuse. There are none for men,” she said. “Our service is a lifeline to many men. These refuges for women and children are all needed, and probably even more. But there also needs to be support and help for men in the same situation.”
Ms Bentley hopes the forthcoming third national strategy from the Department of Justice, Supporting a Victim’s Journey , will finally address the “invisible” issue of domestic violence against men. “We need training for gardaí and we need accommodation for men fleeing these situations,” she said. “One-third of victims of domestic abuse are male, yet they receive 1pc of the budget. We do not want money taken that helps women in these situations. Additional money is needed to help men. There has to be more equality and a human rights balance considering male victims.”
The charity received 8,000 contacts from men last year. “We average 20 to 25 calls a day,” Ms Bentley said. “Some are ringing from their cars, from their garden sheds, from their offices, anywhere that is safe from their abuser. On Tuesday, we received 50 calls from men. The first six weeks after Christmas are our busiest for men reaching out in mental distress. Gender needs to be removed from the equation when considering victims of domestic abuse.”
Call Men’s Aid Ireland on 01 554 3811 or visit http://www.mensaid.ie
That’s a heartbreaking read. It’s unfathomable to people that women can be just as nasty as the men we’ve all heard about.
Human beings can be mean to the people that love them the most.
I do hope that men get the support that they need in domestic violence situations. Neither a man or a woman deserves any domestic abuse.
I’d wager a lot more than 1/3 and abusive relationships are not only those that involve physical violence. There are a lot of people trapped in relationships where their partner restricts their financial and social independence through emotional manipulation
What is annoying is that there will not be half as much pressure put on the government to change anything here the way there was for marriage equality or abortion because helping out minorities and women is something that people can use to big themselves up with on social media but being an activist for men in hardship won’t get as much likes.
I know that comes off as really cynical but how many times has it been brought up that some women use access to the kids as a weapon? Or inadequate mothers get the kids because the courts favour them over the father? There’s been lots of discussion of this over the years on this site and I even remember a few discussions on Boards.ie back in the day. Doesn’t sound like much has been done in the past decade to address this.
There are a lot if feminists who try to block these stories
Men’s Aid, not free, operates Monday to Friday 9am to 5pm,
Womens Aid , National Freephone Helpline, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week
Enough said?
My ex girlfriend published a study on this in about 2016 at the time there were something like 1180 beds available for female victims of domestic abuse and there were none for men. Men were advised to stay with family or try homeless shelters.
There is often a clear divide in how incidents were handled. Gardaí were quick to remove men from their home after claims of domestic abuse but we’re reluctant to remove women, in many cases Gardaí would remove the man from the house if he reported that he was being abused.
Toxic masculinity!
I haven’t heard one good thing in the news about men. Women seem great though so that’s good
I was in an abusive relationship this time last year, and left it with a couple of broken ribs. The guards did nothing (since I was able to leave), and since it was the weekend Men’s Aid wasn’t open – though they were fairly helpful the following week.
We need equal funding. Men need a 24/7 helpline, and shelters for victims of abuse.
This isn’t trendy enough for people to back and promote.
It’s not going to get you social media brownie points when you share it
I’d wager that that 1/3 statistic is missing a lot of unreported cases. Far more than the unreported cases with female victims. It’s like statistics that deal with depression or anxiety in men vs in women. Men are discouraged from telling people or seeking help when they are being abused or are in a bad place mentally. Obviously this leads to the numbers for those things being unreported, which then makes it less likely that those issues will receive help, which then perpetuates the problem. It’s a vicious cycle that we need to put a stop to.
It’s a rough one, especially with an vocal minority of men having a chip on their shoulder about it (all the comments about social media brownie points etc).
At the end of the day, I’ve met a good few women who’ve brought this issue and issues like related to it. So it, like all firms of social injustice, is not placed between a gender/race/sexual orientation line. Its just about wanting everybody to get equitable treatment.
Hopefully something changes, no one deserves to be in a relationship like that and no child should grow up around it.
Domestic abuse is a terrible problem, irrespective of the gender of the abusers/ victims.
A total overhaul is required and one very important issue that needs to be looked at is child custody in the wake of domestic abuse.
Abusive, violent partners should not be given shared custody or unsupervised access to children, yet this happens all the time.
It binds the victim in a coparenting relationship with their abuser for several more years (the psychological control continues, just in a different form) and perpetuates the cycle for the next generation.
Basic psychology should be taught in schools and kids should learn about healthy and dysfunctional relationships and red flags to look out for.
https://www.irishtimes.com/news/social-affairs/family-law-system-endangers-women-and-children-report-warns-1.4500242
Caring for female victims is more profitable and a more interesting story than male victims. 💁🏻♂️
My uncle has been physically abused by his wife for years. They’re marriage/family seems totally broken but they still live together and pretend to be a married couple. He’s certainly had his own issues as well and isn’t an angel (though as far as I know has never been physically abusive) but there’s little or no support for him along with the stigma of being a male abuse victim.
The situation for male services / supports is absolutely dire in Ireland
Speak up for men’s rights, raise domestic abuse issues or extreme family law bias in the courts and the feminists are usually all over it calling you misogynistic etc etc.
See a lot of comments about feminists trying to block stories like this etc. I don’t know if that’s true, but any real feminist would be trying to highlight this, our patriarchal society is set up in a way that that fucks us all over in one way or another. Dismantling that system isn’t just about gaining true equality for women, it’s about gaining true equality for everyone.
Edit: Loling at the downvotes
Go to the rape crisis sites. They always mention women. I ask snog support services for men and most had no answers. So imagine if they did and how many more would come forward
I think this is going to be an unpopular one, but: I wonder if the disproportionate distribution of resources is somewhat informed by the fact that however bad the abuse male victims are subjected to it rarely escalates to hospitalisation or death, whereas women are frequently hospitalised and killed by partners and ex-partners.
How many men require hospitalisation or the morgue because of women’s violence vs vice versa? Does the funding align with these stats?
Really grim to see how many comments using this issue to casually push back against women’s gains, migrants rights etc. Very dark.
I’d say it’s probably more like 50 50 male abusers and female abusers. I think usually the female abuser in the situation is quite toxic and they end up with a man who is sort of weak. The woman despises the weakness so they act toxically to the man who just become more submissive to the woman who then become more toxic in response to the weakness and it creates this cycle of abuse. The thing is the men who are strong and willing to stand up for themselves typically won’t settle for this type of toxic woman so they end up almost selecting for weak men. Kind of a similar situation as to why certain women are like magnets to toxic abusive men, they’re just willing to put up with the abuse because they have low self esteem and think that they deserve the abuse.
It’s probably even worse than it sounds. I’ve posted on this topic before, and the sheer hatred that I’ve got is unbelievable. *Any* man talking about domestic abuse will get flooded with comments about “male privilege” and banned.
Noone gives a damn about mens issues.
Man hits woman outside a club – Everyone loses their minds and beats the guy up and it’s absolutely unacceptable (And it is)
Woman hits man outside a club – “Oh, what’s he after doing now? Must have been a bit naughty” “Wouldn’t like to be going home with her now haha”
We accept violence towards men from women because we’re supposed to be “strong enough” to “take it” and it’s absolute bull.
Absolutely horrific experience when a woman is hitting you and you have no idea what to do, and no matter what you do, you’re in the wrong.
And don’t get me started on the “you’re stronger, so you should never hit them back” shame spiral you’re sent on if you even so much as dare as attempt to restrain them and protect yourself.
Irish men. …..quote from the movie ,The departed….If we’re not gonna make it, it’s gotta be you that gets out, cause I’m not capable. I’m fucking Irish, I’ll deal with something being wrong for the rest of my life”……,.
It’s 2021, and we have gay marriage, and abortion, yet fathers still don’t automatically get 50/50 custody. It’s wrong on every level.
Absolutely terrible. There needs to be more funding for mens services in this regard, and for mental health services too to boot as victims generally have some trauma after. Feminism means breaking down toxic barriers which make men feel like they’re weak and cant speak up about being abused. We all need to be working towards getting more support for abused people, and spotting warning signs in friends and family
The majority of abusive relationships I’ve come across in my social circle have been where the woman is the aggressor. When I heard about Coercive Control it was like a light bulb going off in my head i.e “so thats what she was doing to X”.
In the last few years, while house sharing, I have encountered so many abusive women. House sharing can be basically the same danger level as being in a relationship and living with someone abusive. If your housemate is abusive, you can’t escape them. There are some truly vindictive women in the world.
That’s odd, I thought everyone tweeting and coming up with hashtags would’ve changed things. Colour me surprised!
I wonder what ideology was being making that happen and is carrying on making it worse for men ….
There’s a lot of misconceptions about domestic violence out there unfortunately. It’s often thought of as purely being men beating women. However, strangely perhaps, it turns out that there is evidence to suggest that there is a higher incidence of domestic violence within same sex relationships than there is for heterosexual relationships.
https://www.bbc.com/news/magazine-29994648
It comes down to this, a woman can claim a man did this or that and that’s it for the man no evidence needed.
But when a man makes a claim againsta woman..he has to provide evidence.
System has been rigged because of religion and some stupid law that also allows kids to be abused too.
Something like to protect the family unit….even though abuse is happening. System is fucked
Once again a clear picture of how life is so much easier for women
The reason for this is obviously the lack of services for men. However, we must remember that the majority of services provided for women were set up by women. There’s nothing stopping men from setting up services aimed towards men for these issues. I know alot of people aren’t going to be happy with my comment but that’s the reality.
Interviews with male survivor and staff of Mens Aid back in 2019. https://youtu.be/38PysGKNqqw
I guess I will be called toxic feminist for this, but the reason why female refuges have been prioritised and are still prioritised is because the number of cases are a lot higher. I’m not sure about Ireland but in the UK 1 every 3 days a woman is killed by a man. Although surely the number of actual cases vs. Reported ones is higher for men, this is also true for women.
Having said that, I agree that there should be shelters for men who suffer violence. Asking them to go to homeless shelters is not acceptable.
The stock image they’ve used for the article is ridiculous. It trivialises the issue.
I know someone who is going through a divorce with his abusive, cheating, lying, alcoholic wife who hits and shouts at their little children and comes home drunk after being out with different men. The judge ruled that the kids remain in her custody most of the week and TUSLA is a fucking joke. He is the kindest, hard working father who loves his children to bits. What sort of a justice system let’s that happen. But yeah all white straight males are the problem, aren’t they….(I’m a girl btw)
The founder of the first battered women’s shelter in the world Erin Pizzey emphasised that a small majority of the women she took in were themselves violent to partners and children. She condemned feminism as spreading a lot of lies about domestic violence just to raise money. In the UK only 2 women’s domestic violence support groups receive 300 million in funding. Erin Pizzey is now a men’s rights activist. Abuse unfortunately is cyclical and generational – it is not gendered in the way that is portrayed.