Still got 7 minutes till opening pal, I’ll be in the Ladbrokes across the street.
*Empty spoons. No queue at the bar at all. Still orders on the app.*
Barman, your finest ale please sir, say might you tell me the history of this fine establishment
Can I still order 5 portions of peas to a random table on the app?
Did I lose my job ? Wtf am I doing in here ? Why does that old bloke with the carrier bag keep staring at me and why hasn’t he taken at least one of his coats off ?
*Checks own wrist for hospital band*
Are the toilets still upstairs on floor 13, squire?
Me: “Excuse me where are the toilets?”
Bartender: “Oh sure. If you go up the stairs and take a left, then a right, then a left, then go down the stairs to the basement, through the boiler room then out to the back of the stock house, another left and another right, down the alleyway past the dumpsters, you’ll find a shack with a hole in the ground. You’ve then found it”
Me: O_O
Hiya love, what are the microwave’s specials today?
I’m going to the toilet, I need to reach my 15,000 steps for the day.
I’ll have a pint of mild in a half pint glass, please.
Aren’t you bothered that old guy is smoking indoors?
Walk in, find the seat most in the corner and away from people. Sit down. Order a bowl of loaded chips and a pint of coke on app then sit silently till it arrives.
Roleplay this as my local? This IS my local in Bishop’s Stortford.
I can smell this photo, and my feet are now stuck to the carpet.
“I’ll have 5 drinks, and I’ll order one at a time after you’ve made each one because I think you have the mental capacity of a goldfish and cannot remember 5 very common drinks…
And a Guinness.”
Old person at the bar.
Mate this Gear is shit, sell me another one tho…
*sound of dropped glass*
*”Wheeeyyyyy!”*
Is that guy in the corner drunk or dead?
Look we’re not staying, can I just get a Doom Bar?
I ordered 4 bowls of onion rings and a striker bomb half an hour ago on the app, where’s my lunch?
(Parks mobility car with disabled sticker in disabled space. Bounds down the 3000 steps two at at a time, excited about fish Friday, 10 minutes after the spoons has opened)
Me: Fish and chips mate!
Staff: Sorry mate, we’re out of fish.
It’s 10am, time for a full English and a pint!
_____👃🏼
Me: Glass of coke please. … them: Is Pepsi okay? … me: Do you accept monopoly money?
Be back in a minute, about to get my fifth latte, need to get value for money from the £1.50
“Can we get someone to clean our booth table, its sticky”
*Grabs table on my own. Orders two pints on the app.
Ten minutes later, text from mate. “I’m running late, will see you outside the gig venue.”
Right, so that pint’s mine as well, then…
The kitchen closes in 5 minutes? Good, me and my 12 mates still have time to get some food!
Oh fuc— *glass falls and crashes*
*Orders beer and sits there in silence wondering why I’m unable to socialise normally with other people.
I don’t live in Bishops Stortford anymore but I have spent a lot of time in this pub.
Also my dad made the boat thats outside the front door.
Ham, egg and chips kind sir, with a disappointing Guinness.
Do you have any bottles of mayo that haven’t been tampered with, please?
Am I alright with the dogs mate?
Big one’s a softy but the little fella has a thing for crisps
Anyone want to take me on in the Weatherspoons challenge.
You have to order and consume £100 worth of produce from the menu. Food or drink (soft or hard).
What do you go for? It’s a race
There’s a woman sat somewhere playing cocomelon on her phone for a child under 3 years old while she drinks carlsberg
Guest ale.
Guest ale.
Guest ale.
Guest ale.
Guest ale and nuts.
Guest ale
Guest ale.
“I’m not a racist but…”
Guest ale.
Guest ale.
“WHY DON’T YOU JUST FUCK OFF HOME!?”
Why does your apple pie and custard only taste nice when I’m drunk af?
Walks into the toilet wanting a number two, it’s 11am and the seat is already covered in piss and the toilet roll is on the floor.
You’re sitting next to the old men’s table and you over hear them talk about the foreign folk moving in and taking over the place.
No! I don’t want to buy any of your blocks of cheese! Wtf did you even. . . Wait, how much is it?
It’s 9am and I’m getting a breakfast muffin and a beer. I tell myself I’ve just worked a night shift so my mornings are other peoples evenings. I really just work from home and can do what I like when I like.
Hi, sorry, this bloke’s been following us around the pub? I don’t feel comfortable leaving my partner to go to the toilet as when I went to he approached her. Could you do something, please?
“What did he look like?”
“Bald, tat…”
“… yep, we know the guy. Thanks.”
Still blows my mind there’s a local stalker at my local 🤦🏿♂️😂
42 comments
Still got 7 minutes till opening pal, I’ll be in the Ladbrokes across the street.
*Empty spoons. No queue at the bar at all. Still orders on the app.*
Barman, your finest ale please sir, say might you tell me the history of this fine establishment
Can I still order 5 portions of peas to a random table on the app?
Did I lose my job ? Wtf am I doing in here ? Why does that old bloke with the carrier bag keep staring at me and why hasn’t he taken at least one of his coats off ?
*Checks own wrist for hospital band*
Are the toilets still upstairs on floor 13, squire?
Me: “Excuse me where are the toilets?”
Bartender: “Oh sure. If you go up the stairs and take a left, then a right, then a left, then go down the stairs to the basement, through the boiler room then out to the back of the stock house, another left and another right, down the alleyway past the dumpsters, you’ll find a shack with a hole in the ground. You’ve then found it”
Me: O_O
Hiya love, what are the microwave’s specials today?
I’m going to the toilet, I need to reach my 15,000 steps for the day.
I’ll have a pint of mild in a half pint glass, please.
Aren’t you bothered that old guy is smoking indoors?
Walk in, find the seat most in the corner and away from people. Sit down. Order a bowl of loaded chips and a pint of coke on app then sit silently till it arrives.
Roleplay this as my local? This IS my local in Bishop’s Stortford.
I can smell this photo, and my feet are now stuck to the carpet.
“I’ll have 5 drinks, and I’ll order one at a time after you’ve made each one because I think you have the mental capacity of a goldfish and cannot remember 5 very common drinks…
And a Guinness.”
Old person at the bar.
Mate this Gear is shit, sell me another one tho…
*sound of dropped glass*
*”Wheeeyyyyy!”*
Is that guy in the corner drunk or dead?
Look we’re not staying, can I just get a Doom Bar?
I ordered 4 bowls of onion rings and a striker bomb half an hour ago on the app, where’s my lunch?
(Parks mobility car with disabled sticker in disabled space. Bounds down the 3000 steps two at at a time, excited about fish Friday, 10 minutes after the spoons has opened)
Me: Fish and chips mate!
Staff: Sorry mate, we’re out of fish.
It’s 10am, time for a full English and a pint!
_____👃🏼
Me: Glass of coke please. … them: Is Pepsi okay? … me: Do you accept monopoly money?
Be back in a minute, about to get my fifth latte, need to get value for money from the £1.50
“Can we get someone to clean our booth table, its sticky”
*Grabs table on my own. Orders two pints on the app.
Ten minutes later, text from mate. “I’m running late, will see you outside the gig venue.”
Right, so that pint’s mine as well, then…
The kitchen closes in 5 minutes? Good, me and my 12 mates still have time to get some food!
Oh fuc— *glass falls and crashes*
*Orders beer and sits there in silence wondering why I’m unable to socialise normally with other people.
I don’t live in Bishops Stortford anymore but I have spent a lot of time in this pub.
Also my dad made the boat thats outside the front door.
Ham, egg and chips kind sir, with a disappointing Guinness.
Do you have any bottles of mayo that haven’t been tampered with, please?
Am I alright with the dogs mate?
Big one’s a softy but the little fella has a thing for crisps
Anyone want to take me on in the Weatherspoons challenge.
You have to order and consume £100 worth of produce from the menu. Food or drink (soft or hard).
What do you go for? It’s a race
There’s a woman sat somewhere playing cocomelon on her phone for a child under 3 years old while she drinks carlsberg
Guest ale.
Guest ale.
Guest ale.
Guest ale.
Guest ale and nuts.
Guest ale
Guest ale.
“I’m not a racist but…”
Guest ale.
Guest ale.
“WHY DON’T YOU JUST FUCK OFF HOME!?”
Why does your apple pie and custard only taste nice when I’m drunk af?
Walks into the toilet wanting a number two, it’s 11am and the seat is already covered in piss and the toilet roll is on the floor.
You’re sitting next to the old men’s table and you over hear them talk about the foreign folk moving in and taking over the place.
No! I don’t want to buy any of your blocks of cheese! Wtf did you even. . . Wait, how much is it?
It’s 9am and I’m getting a breakfast muffin and a beer. I tell myself I’ve just worked a night shift so my mornings are other peoples evenings. I really just work from home and can do what I like when I like.
Hi, sorry, this bloke’s been following us around the pub? I don’t feel comfortable leaving my partner to go to the toilet as when I went to he approached her. Could you do something, please?
“What did he look like?”
“Bald, tat…”
“… yep, we know the guy. Thanks.”
Still blows my mind there’s a local stalker at my local 🤦🏿♂️😂