Meghan and Harry in Florida last year
MARCO BELLO/REUTERS
What a difference eight years makes. Back in 2017 the celebrity bible Vanity Fair introduced Meghan Markle to the world with a splashy cover headline that cooed, “She’s Just Wild About Harry!”. The accompanying feature was intended, according to Meghan’s publicity team, to present the subject “as a major actor and especially as an activist and philanthropist”.
Flash-forward to the latest Vanity Fair coverstory and, well, yikes. Here Meghan and Harry are the focus of another, far less flattering, feature. Titled “American Hustle”, the piece is a sprawling 8,000-word profile that has been described variously as “causing quite a stir” or, more accurately, representing a “savage takedown”. While charting the couple’s professional activities since departing the monarchy in 2020, the feature consistently paints Meghan and Harry, from the testimonies of mostly anonymous former acquaintances, as self-serving, navel-gazing, low-wattage nitwits. And, frankly, I’ve had enough.
Let’s look at the evidence. The first charge: “They were essentially rubbish at podcasting.” What? How is this a bad thing? In 2020 Meghan and Harry allegedly signed a $20 million deal with Spotify to deliver podcasts before gradually revealing that, alas, they didn’t know much about podcasting. This, to me, is a result. Podcasts are for people with too much free time, or for conspiracy theorists, or true- crime loons, or gullible drones who think that “in-depth” analyses of a perfectly serviceable news story will provide for fascinating dinner party chatter (hint: it won’t). This accusation is, instead, a win for the Sussexes.
• Harry and Meghan: ‘sociopath podcast’ and a Mean Girls spirit
Second charge: “Meghan speaks in meaningless word salads.” When previously asked about how she was finally going to “use her voice” on her Spotify podcast Archetypes, Meghan answered: “I have a lot to say until I don’t. Do you like that? Sometimes, as they say, the silent part is still part of the song… I can talk about my whole experience and make a choice not to.” Right. Honestly? Not great. But I suspect that what she really meant to say was, “I am in my power, I am woman and hear me roar. Until you don’t. Or maybe you won’t. Until you do.”
Third: “Harry had a bad idea for a podcast.” Again! Enough with the podcasts! For me, it’s a simple equation. Bad podcaster = good person. Harry’s idea, allegedly, was to produce a podcast that focused exclusively on big-name “sociopaths” such as Mark Zuckerberg, Vladimir Putin and Donald Trump. The “sociopath podcast” brainstorming session must’ve been a blast, because Harry apparently told a colleague: “I have very bad childhood trauma. Obviously. My mother was essentially murdered. What is it about me that didn’t make me one of these bad guys?” See! Great question Harry. You’re effectively saying, “Why is it that I am every bit as important as Zuckerberg, Putin and Trump, but just a far nicer guy?” Who knows? But I would’ve listened to that particular podcast to find out the answer.
Fourth: “They are so hot for each other.” Again, this is a bad thing? Someone who “worked closely” with the Sussexes revealed that when Harry and Meghan are together the air is thick with erotic tension, and they seemingly glare at each other with the rapacious hunger of Sharon Stone and Michael Douglas in Basic Instinct. The source said: “You know how you meet those couples where you’re like, the way they’re looking at each other, I should probably not be here right now?” In fairness, I suspect that a lot of people, on finding themselves next to Meghan and Harry, might decide, “I should probably not be here right now.”
Fifth: “Meghan does not shout.” Oh, please, this is getting silly now. Meghan is apparently a terrifying boss, according to some former employees. Why? Because she doesn’t shout. Instead, according to the sources, she uses “yelling energy” while talking. Harrowing, I know. “You can be yelled at even if somebody doesn’t raise their voice,” said the source, presumably while dissolving gracefully back into the icy meltwater (it’s a snowflake gag, geddit?).
Sixth: “Meghan overpromised celebrity guests.” Yeah, yeah, whatever. Meghan allegedly said that she could get Taylor Swift and Beyoncé on her show but, in the end, they passed. Come on. We’ve all done that. I told the producers of a would-be film adaptation of my first book that I could get Colin Farrell for the lead role, and they bought that howler. What I meant to say was that I could get the script to Colin Farrell. Which I did. He passed. But, you know, them’s the rules, and Meghan’s just playing the game. Don’t hate the player.