What Harry and Meghan told Brooklyn and Nicola (probably)

Of course! The Duke and Duchess of Sussex have declared for Team Peltz-Beckham and, in recent weeks, hosted Brooklyn Beckham and his wife, Nicola Peltz, for dinner at their Montecito mansion.

It’s a very significant moment. Huge. There’s a lot of juggling going on in the Sussex mansion and they do not open up their sanctuary to any old billionaires in trouble. And the Peltz-Beckhams (also up to the eyeballs with social media deadlines and wardrobe decisions) came all the way from Los Angeles — 90 minutes away in a chauffeur-driven car.

The Beckhams celebrate David’s 50th birthday in the Cotwolds — without their eldest son, Brooklyn

What’s this all about? Are you kidding? Brooklyn Beckham is estranged from his very high-profile family in the UK for reasons that remain murky — but are 100 per cent to do with his wife, let’s face it — and Peltz has been labelled a family wrecker who thinks only of her personal publicity. Meanwhile, Harry is estranged from his British family, and his American wife has been similarly vilified for her part in the divorce.

• I don’t blame Brooklyn Beckham for not celebrating his dad David’s 50th

So, history isn’t just repeating itself — these two couples are practically the same people! First Megxit, now Beckxit! The Sussexes have finally found their co-wronged mates (albeit Brooklyn is 26 to Harry’s 40, and Nicola is 13 years younger than Meghan), and together they can form the exclusive Slighted and Disrespected (SAD) club for children of royalty (real or celebrity). We can assume the Montecito dinner was the first official meeting.

You know that Harry and Meghan will have been bursting with mentoring advice, and here are some of the highlights.

Harry’s tips

• Guys, they’ll always get you on the loyalty stuff. So you’re expected to attend your father’s coronation/50th birthday party, whatever, but if you go you’ll be treated like second-class citizens, again. It won’t be you in the front pew — that’ll be them. Your brothers, my brother, his wife. You’ll just be there, in the background, not appreciated for who you are. So you’re right not to show and break the cycle. It’s not all about them.
• Whoever we chose to marry was never going to be good enough. OK, they had no problem with Chelsy. Or Cressy. But they didn’t want me to be me and find my own voice. So when I did find my own voice, via Meghan, that was a mega threat. The book was a sign I’d taken back control and that was scary for certain people who thought they had us gagged. Brooks, mate, on some level they will fear you doing your cookery videos. Keep doing the black truffle pasta, my friend. They can’t take that away from you.
• They don’t really understand what it means to be a loving couple. Sure, they’ve all been through stuff, but David’s life was service to football; Dad’s life was service to the Firm. There are other ways to serve, we said that. Their definition of service is really narrow and suffocating. Nicola is in the creative world, as are you, Brooks, as are we. And the greatest service we can do is raise our kids without toxic expectations, even if that means no contact with any outside family or friends other than stylists and people we employ. You can join us for Thanksgiving.

Beckham and Peltz at the Abu Dhabi Grand Prix

• Someone needs to say sorry. Sorry for what? That’s up to them to work out. Nicola, I think I’m hearing that you feel one of Brooklyn’s brothers shouldn’t be dating a woman Brooklyn used to hang with … it sounds complicated but it’s just detail. They need to say sorry and own it and mean it and recognise our truth. (And you might want to put some stuff out there about ways in which you’ve been wronged to remind people that your in-laws, like my family, are not gods. People remember the dog bowl incident. I like to think they will when he’s king.)
• It’s all about their legacy. I’m guessing David wanted you to make it in football? No? Still, they have a path they put you on and you take a different path … they’ll take you down. They’ll punish you. That fishing trip David took Romeo and Cruz on. That was a sly dig. That was “look at what you can never do in LA, you wuss, and we’re British and we love blood sports and we don’t care about the weather and we do man things together and probably hang out with Clarkson and drive his tractors and then go to the pub in the village”. Big deal. We’ve done that and we’ve rejected it. So how you respond, Brooks, is you go to a chicken sanctuary, cats or dogs if you prefer, and Rescue Up. Get into rescue. Top tip. Get some kids in time. We’re that guy. The one who is about love.

Meghan’s tips

• You’re so lucky it’s not about the money. I mean, we cannot do the things they “expect” us to do because they won’t pay for security, and that’s just the tip of it. You cannot imagine what the guest facilities are like at Sandringham. I don’t think it’s sanitary for my children. I would feel unsafe eating any of the food that comes out of those palace kitchens. They reheat the porridge for two days. I’m not kidding. You’re so lucky in that respect, Nicola, because one thing you can say for David and Victoria is they know about the Soho House lifestyle and proper hygiene and towel grades.
• So you want to give very good couples vibes — Look Loved Up and Get Revenge. And (if you don’t mind me saying, Nicola) what really works is you hanging off him looking cute and really into him, not always the other way around. Our boys are really, really in love with us, but for the optics (and I know a great photographer I can get to hang out around you), a little bit of “we love them right back” is beneficial for the brand.

Harry and Meghan at an awards ceremony in New York

GETTY IMAGES

• Try a bit of high low. You always look so great and, look, I know none of us are actually wearing the Zara trousers, except for on TV, but the people out there who have to be persuaded that we are good, loving, humble, caring people? They like us to mix the Loro Piana with high street once in a while.
• You have to understand they like to put Americans down. The whole jam v preserve thing, the whole tittering about me not being able to call it jam, that is so British. But they like Taylor Swift. They love Tom Cruise. We’re working on getting closer to those targets in particular. The Clooneys were a cul-de-sac and really, you know, she’s kind of self-important about her job and we don’t have time for that any more.
• I’m with H on the leaking. You have to hold your nose and go for it. Don’t bother with the big stuff — infidelity and all that … the British only notice bullying or lying apparently. Or not properly caring for your dog. You could try some front-facing dog stuff.