Written by me in a spate of near heat exhaustion on the tube the other day

11 comments

1. Don’t quit your day job

2. Is it just me or does this not just seem pretentious? Poetry doesn’t need to be so up its own ass.

   I think my criticism is mainly about calling everyone around you vegetables. You’re surrounded by people in the same boat as you, some will be creatives more talented than you, some will be heading to a second job to provide for their family, some will be heading out on dates. How self absorbed.

3. I quite liked it.

4. I can do poetry tuition. For you, 50 quid/hr

5. one more line:

   let down again by the SwR in shambles

6. The reason why

   The reason why

   The reason why I had to die

   Did I bleed the blood of greed?

   What was my destiny?

7. Oh dear.

8. We baked together on the Circle Line
   Wafts of cheese, the cheddar and the armpit kind
   I dreamed of waterfalls and bathing pools and all things cool
   While hoping that the drip of sweat I felt was mine

9. It reads better to me if you cut down the number of syllables in the first and last lines.

   I’m sucking the breath from your mouth
   The grand quest to get home
   Out of the fire and into the slow cooker
   Humid, surrounded by vegetables.

   I don’t really know the science behind it, but a comma in the middle of the last line works for Simon Armitage and I think it works here too.

10. I like it, keep at it.

11. Absolute banger

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