Bruce Willis’ wife reacts to criticism of couple living separately as he battles dementia: ‘They don’t get a say’

26 comments

1. > Willis added that she’s doing her best to keep the negative criticism out of her mind. “The truth is that the opinions are so loud and they’re so noisy,” she said, “but if they don’t have the experience of this, they don’t get a say — and they definitely don’t get a vote.”

   > “Too often, caregivers are judged quickly and unfairly by those who haven’t lived this journey or stood on the front lines of it,” she wrote. “Sharing openly may invite opinions, but more importantly, it creates connection and validation for those actually navigating the realities of caregiving every day. That’s who I share for, and so I can build a deeper connection with a community that understands this journey.”

2. It’s not anyone’s damn business.
   From here on out if I were her, I wouldn’t announce shit to the lame ass public

3. She is doing the right thing for herself, her family, and for him. Dementia is an ugly disease as it advances and it only has one end. She should have kept it private, but she was probably trying to head off criticism, which happened anyway. It’s disgusting behaviour.

4. Their daughters are 13 or younger. If I had some kind of early onset dementia I would choose before severely deteriorating to not subject my child to living with a dementia patient if I could afford it.

5. It’s none of our business, none of it should be public, poor guy just needs care til he dies.

6. I don’t get the criticism. Many nursing home patients have a spouse at home who’s unable to take care of them. That’s why the nursing home exists.

7. What is wrong with that exactly? He probably has full-time care in her absence and she needs to take care of a bunch of young teenagers. Having someone severely deteriorating with dementia around them(and her) could tarnish their memories of him and cause a lot of pain, it would make for an extremely complicated living arrangement. I’m sure she spends time with him when she has the chance to, and I’m sure he’s being well taken care of in his last stage of life. Which honestly seems like a BEST case scenario for this situation.

8. We should all have the luxury of being able to afford the best care for a deteriorating loved one. Everyone needs to back off. We don’t live in their house and we don’t know what effect his condition might have had on his younger children.

9. It’s no one’s business what she does. Only she can determine whether or not she can care for her husband who has dementia.

   People seem to forget that a person with dementia or alzheimer’s tend to wander off, can hurt themselves, or can hurt you because they don’t remember who they are or who you are.

   They can become highly agitated, confused, and combative, and that’s when caring for them can become dangerous. That’s what happened to my grandfather.

   I’m sure it was becoming more and more difficult for her to maintain a normal home. I’m sure it was a chore to make sure Bruce didn’t wander off or hurt himself.

   There is only so much one can do before having to put a family member into a facility that can care for them 24/7. It’s not an easy decision, but I do understand it.

10. My dad’s grandfather hit him once, just didn’t know who he was for a moment. I’ve heard of people hurting children or their caretakers, on purpose or accidentally. It could also be really difficult to watch your own parent going through that while you’re so young. I’m sure he’s getting the best care he can, there’s no perfect solution </3

11. Until you’ve experienced a family member with dementia like this, you really don’t understand and you should never judge. Watching my grandmother rapidly deteriorate and my dad and aunt slowly not be able to care for her anymore was one of the most terrifying things I’ve seen in my life. She made the right decision for their family, and I hope she feels peace.

12. All caretakers have a limit as to how long and how much they can do, and if you’ve ever seen one go past their limit with the resulting trauma and PTSD you wouldn’t be saying what these people are saying.

13. My paternal grandma came to live with us when she had rapidly advancing dementia.

    I was 10-11, and my mom (with zero medical training) was kind of forced to take over as her full time nurse.

    Money was an issue. Medicaid gave the option of a nursing home or her living with us, and dad couldn’t stand to see her be put in a home. So mom hesitantly agreed to quit her job try and take care of grandma until “things got bad”.

    It was very confusing for me, as a kid.

    I’d wake up at 2am with grandma knocking on my door, and then yelling at me that she expected her (long dead) sister to answer the door, and who the fuck was I?

    I’d get up to get a drink of water and see grandma in the living room, taking and hiding random objects all over the house, while mumbling things to herself. I found her dentures in my shoes. I found her hearing aids in the fridge.

    She would have spells where she kind of knew where she was, but she resented it.

    My dad was never her favorite child. So when grandma “woke up” aggressive, she would rant and rave about why she couldn’t live with my aunt Jan (who lived across the country, never helped financially and never visited), and call my mom “that b**** white woman” and me “the ugly kid”.

    My parents put me in a lot of summer camps and sports and after school activities that year. Because they knew grandma made me feel unsafe to be alone with. So they let me be out of the house as much as possible.

    Before the dementia, Gigi was a lovely woman to my mom and me. But afterwards, she either didn’t recognize us. Or showed a ton of racism and vitriol that took a heavy toll on my 11 year old self.

    I’d never experienced racism in my life before my own grandma called me “filth”, at 4am when I was trying to guide her down the hallway and put her back to bed.

    She was also in frequent pain. Muscle atrophy from being confused and not wanting to move. She couldn’t describe pain to doctors, so they couldn’t deal with her issues correctly in a home setting. They didn’t know what hurt. So it was hard to treat her.

    She had ear and bowel impactions. She would fall in the night and then just…Lay on the floor silently. So she broke her hip. We didn’t find her until morning.

    And this is back before door alarms were a thing. We just weren’t equipped to keep her comfortable or safe at all.

    But my dad insisted that she would die if we put her in a home. So she stayed, miserable, unsafe. Making us feel unsafe.

    It just kept getting worse.

    She never had a problem with incontinence, until she did. And then, like an upset dog, she would pee on my piano bench or my mom’s rocking chair. Never anything of my dad’s.

    The worst was (we lived on a small hobby farm with a few livestock) I was raising baby chicks in a warmer container in my bedroom (4H project). I woke up to my grandma, in my room, trying to kill a baby chick.

    My dad bought me a lock for my door after that, but mom couldn’t handle it anymore. She rehomed our pet cat. Thinking Gigi would hurt him.

    I overheard my mom talking to a friend one day. The friend asked if they at least kept grandma “pain free”, and my mom explained that yes, she had morphine drops that could be given almost at will, but my mom had to keep track of the times, so she didn’t accidentally OD.

    The friend suggested that maybe…My mom just “forgot” one day. And let her have more morphine.

    I remember my mom just breaking down crying. Asking the friend to leave.

    Shortly after, Mom threatened dad with divorce if grandma didn’t go to a nursing home and get proper care. Dad left for a few days, angry.

    Gigi went to a nursing home when dad came back. He had arranged it when he was gone.

    My parents marriage was fucked up for a long time after that, but dad finally admitted that it was hurting us to be in the home with her while he was at work all day, and there was nothing else he could do.

    She lasted maybe 9 months in the nursing home, with dad visiting every day. They kept her well drugged. So she seemed less upset. But who knows if she was happier.

    Nothing about this is easy.

14. She looks like a nice lady

15. Unless you have lived it you have zero place to judge, she has two young kids she has to still care for and prioritise. He’s moving into their second home from what I understand and will likely have the very best care. He is not being left to rot in some shitty facility, and she still needs to be able to live and care for herself in all of this. Yes it would be fantastic if he could stay home, however as his condition deteriorates and his level of care increases in not necessarily safe or feasible to care for someone in home. He will be needing professional care, she cannot give him that herself.

16. My grandfather went through Alzheimer’s about a decade ago now. Eventually my grandmother had to have him moved to a facility to manage his care. It’s not about love at that point, but safety and giving the person the care they need. Willis’ wife is doing what’s best for her and her family. People need to bug off and let her care for her husband the best that she can.

17. Unless you have experienced living with a person with this condition, you have no idea.

18. My MIL has mental health issues. She had a psychotic break while staying with us and thought people were trying to break into the house and was looking for a gun. She didn’t know who I was and was getting aggressive. I had to send my daughter to stay at a friend’s house. It’s scary even for adults.

19. I’m assuming he’s living in some sort of memory care unit or it’s private residence equivalent.

    Way easier on everyone involved to keep things separate.

    Also…being a caregiver in these situations is quite difficult. If she has some sort of private romantic life, that is pretty understandable.

20. I lived with and took care of my grandma for several years in her late ’90s. Eventually it became too much for me to handle alone, especially without any medical training, and we made the very difficult decision to move her into a nursing home. She was there for a year before she passed. She never said it, but I knew she hated it there and didn’t trust or like the people running it. She fell one night and hit her head. They dressed her wound but didn’t call an ambulance (as is their protocol), and she died just a couple days later.

    Not a day goes by where I don’t feel the need to blame myself for giving up on what I thought was my job of taking care of her. Yes, she was 99, and yes, I don’t have the necessary training. It was the hardest decision I’ve ever had to make, but we felt it had to be done. I still blame myself despite any of that, it’s so hard not to.

    Fuck anybody who passes judgement on family caretakers without having gone through this shit themselves. Your opinion is not valid.

21. Fuck those critics. Fuck them all.
    My mom had a stroke trying to care for my dad with dementia. She refused help. She kept on him 24/7/365. The toll on her was horrendous,but her love for the man drove her, until she couldn’t. She received criticism from my dad’s family for finally putting him in a care facility. Fuck them too. No one understands how relentless this disease is in tearing down caregivers.

22. Dementia can be scary.
    The “planning” and “safety” part of the brain works inconsistently.
    My mil has vascular dementia.
    She will be totally fine and then do something like microwave a basket of silverware, accidentally light a candle under a cupboard, try to go outside and drive (she can’t – and the keys are locked) and get lost. Whenever we visit with our kids – even though they aren’t super little, it is stressful, and it’s like watching 3 kids and yet one of them is irrational and there’s no logic to what she does. And then sometimes she acts totally fine. You never know when the dementia will cause a safety issue. So you have to set up her world to keep her safe.

    Dementia is a b@tch. And the safety of the family is critical – and the safety of Bruce is also paramount.

    Kudos to all of Bruce’s family for navigating this and also sharing their journey so that there’s more awareness to this issue. It is a devastating issue and there isn’t a clear “procedure” on how to handle every single person who has this. The disease progresses in different ways for each person.

23. If you don’t want strangers judging you, don’t share your personal business with them and hope they’ll all be polite.

24. Nobody battles dementia. It takes you. There is no sensational battle.

25. Tell them to get fucked. This has to be hard as shit. They don’t get a say.

26. Fuck people criticizing struggles like this they arent in. 

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