It’s Labor Day, and you’re probably worried sick about Dear Leader’s fragile health, his swollen ankles, his zig-zagging gait, his bruised right hand, and his incoherent speeches.
Well, rest assured, you don’t need to panic. Vice President JD Vance has declared he’s ready to step in.
Last week, in an interview with USA Today, Vance explained, “I’ve gotten a lot of good on-the-job training over the last 200 days. And if, God forbid, there’s a terrible tragedy, I can’t think of better on-the-job training than what I’ve gotten over the last 200 days.”
Apparently, you only need a little over six months to be prepared for the toughest job in the world. So what exactly has J.D. done in those 200 days? Let me think…still thinking…googling…that didn’t help…trying to be creative here…damn, drawing a blank.
Nothing yet. Maybe I should be grateful that he hasn’t done anything in those 200 days?
Wait! That’s it!
The truth is, he hasn’t accomplished much of note, unless you count offering lessons in gratitude to world leaders and political opponents.
Vance tried to lecture Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskyy, the man whose people have endured years of invasion and war, who has repeatedly thanked the U.S., including during a speech to Congress and the world, for being more grateful for American aid.
As if Zelenskyy hasn’t been profuse enough. And closer to home, Vance pulled the same move on Zohran Mamdani, the New York City Democratic mayoral candidate born in Uganda to a family from India, telling him he should be more appreciative of what the U.S. has done for him.
I’ve said this before, but who died and left J.D. Vance as the arbiter of appreciation? Vance’s obnoxious smugness is only outdone by the bizarreness of his view on society and his glaring ineptitude.
Perhaps the only thing Vance himself might feel truly thankful for are cats, since they keep those childless ladies he worries so much about company. That remark was not just insulting and sexist, it revealed his instinct for belittling anyone who doesn’t fit neatly into his (everchanging) worldview.
So yes, if a “terrible tragedy” occurs, and if you ask me, that’s pretty subjective, Vance would inherit not only Trump’s office but also all of the lawless and absurd missions Trump doesn’t finish carrying out.
First, Vance would be expected to continue Trump’s retribution campaign against perceived enemies, from public officials to journalists. So, who is left on this list? There was a best-selling author who in 2016 once compared Trump to Hitler. Now that is a cut that stings. Who could get away with that?
Somehow, that author has slipped through the cracks of Trump’s revenge tour.
That author was Vance, the would-be president. It begs the question, can you retribute yourself? That would be a mighty conundrum for Vance. What would he do with himself? Have the FBI raid the White House?
Vance would also have to find his way through the maze of Trump’s foreign policy. It is a complete and utter mess, and I don’t think anyone but a legitimate very stable genius could come in and fix all the things Trump has broken.
For starters, that means Vance would be shunning allies, flattering autocrats, failing at peace, starting wars, and imposing tariffs at random. If Trump were TACO (Trump Always Chickens Out), Vance would be VEAL (Vance’s Empty Amateur Leadership.).
Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy, Jr. is going to need a friend in the White House to help him on his MASA (Make America Sick Again) program, i.e. getting a pandemic started and prohibiting vaccines. Vance would then be tasked with sustaining the erosion of public health, pushing forward the agenda to undermine vaccines and science. And he would likely expand on his own record of attacking women and LGBTQ+ Americans, aligning himself with the administration’s broader efforts to roll back equality.
Now, again, Vance faces a quagmire. Poor Vance once thought he could be gay, and that kind of attitude won’t square with Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth’s “warrior” ethos, and desire to rid the military of all LGBTQ+ people.
If Vance still harbors some gayness, is it legal for Hegseth to forcibly give an unhonorable discharge to the commander-in-chief? Wow, Vance becoming president is presenting itself as a possible constitutional crisis. Not that we’re experiencing one right now.
And back to foreign policy, since things could get even more riveting. New tariffs on India have left U.S. relations with the country freezing cold. India’s Prime Minister Narendra Modi is reportedly refusing to take Trump’s calls. That’s definitely not a good sign.
So if we’re at loggerheads with Modi and India, what happens if Vance takes the helm? Does he deport his parents-in-law who were born in India? Or ship them off to some enemy-of-the-state facility like Alligator Alcatraz? Maybe send a squad of ICE agents to raid their home?
But the absurdity doesn’t stop there. Taking over from Trump would also mean that Vance would need to take some interior design classes in order to finish Trump’s maximalism of turning the Oval Office into some opulent, overdone gold mausoleum.
And let’s not forget Trump’s dream of adding a giant gold ballroom onto the White House. Since Trump said that he would pay for it, Vance would be left with the bill. Maybe he’d have to crank out Hillbilly Elegy II to cover some of the costs, like a chandelier?
Finally, just for the purposes of this column, but certainly not in all the things Vance has to do, who is going to host the Kennedy Center Honors? J.D. Vance? My guess is that Vance will turn to Dr. Phil to do the honors, and by honors I mean the Donald Trump Center for the Performing Arts Honors, because Vance will surely change the name to honor his dictatorial mentor to keep up appearances with MAGA.
And then there’s the matter of power itself. The way Vance spoke about a “terrible tragedy” elevating him to the presidency wasn’t solemn. It was almost gleeful.
Two hundred days of carrying following Trump around by wagging your tail is not preparation for running the world. Yet here’s Vance, strutting around like he’s aced his presidential finals after half a semester at something that’s akin to Trump University.
So no, we don’t need to worry about Trump’s failing health in the way Vance wants us to. What we should worry about is how ready Vance thinks he is. There might be two “terrible tragedies,” with the second one being a President J.D. Vance.
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