Lose weight. Declutter. Meditate. Find a new job. Get my act together. <\/p>\n
Many of us live with a low-grade sense of being behind. Should speaks to that gap. <\/p>\n
These shoulds are often harsh, so it\u2019s not surprising that the word has faced a backlash. Ironically, \u201cstop should-ing yourself\u201d is often said with its own scolding tone.<\/p>\n
What if the answer isn\u2019t to get rid of shoulds altogether, but to relate to them with intention?<\/p>\n
Whose Standard?<\/p>\n
Lately, I\u2019ve been noticing shoulds around social media<\/a>. As someone who now writes, speaks, and offers workshops for a living, I should be posting more.<\/p>\n Some days this feels tight, coming from fear<\/a> and, if I\u2019m honest, jealousy<\/a>, as I see others\u2019 viral posts and large followings. Other days, posting is an invitation to share my ideas in new ways or connect with new audiences. The should is the same, but the experience isn\u2019t.<\/p>\n At its core, a should is simply the gap between where we are and where we think we\u2019re supposed to be. <\/p>\n Much of the discomfort with should comes from the sense that it\u2019s externally imposed. Some shoulds clearly come from the outside: work expectations, family pressure, or cultural scripts, while others feel more internal, shaped by our own goals<\/a>.<\/p>\n But I don\u2019t think the distinction between external and internal is particularly useful. We\u2019re always in conversation with the world around us. We learn from people we admire and books and podcasts and, yes, social media can remind us of values we\u2019ve let slip. I probably don\u2019t have to tell you that internal standards can be just as unforgiving as any external critic, sometimes even more so.<\/p>\n Rejecting shoulds outright\u2014as much of the popular<\/a> conversation<\/a> suggests<\/a>\u2014misses something obvious: the beauty of aspiring to show up differently or live with more care and intention. Shoulds can point us to our growth edges, aligning with ideas around growth mindset<\/a> and values-based approaches to change, like acceptance and commitment therapy.<\/a><\/p>\n What matters isn’t where the standard comes from; it\u2019s whether it\u2019s examined or not.<\/p>\n The Examined Should<\/p>\n This question has been especially alive for me because my forthcoming book <\/a>is called Sometimes You Should Be Late, emphasis on should.<\/p>\n In our current moment, telling people what they should do is impolite at best. For me, that tension is the point.<\/p>\n The book\u2014spoiler\u2014isn\u2019t really about lateness; it\u2019s about values. It makes a case for moving from an inherited sense of what we should do to examining and choosing our own path. <\/p>\n An unexamined should is reflexive, rooted in values that may not even be ours or isolated from the context we\u2019re in, like a night of poor sleep, a family crisis, or simple exhaustion. <\/p>\n An examined should, on the other hand, reconnects us to our aspirations. It notices the gap between where we are and where we think we ought to be and asks: Why might this matter? What value is underneath it? Does it fit the context of my life right now?<\/p>\n The need to examine shoulds becomes obvious when we see how often they point in opposite directions. For instance:<\/p>\n I should get more sleep\u2026 I should wake up early and exercise. Without reflection, these shoulds collide; the result is often a catch-22, where we feel deficient no matter what we do.<\/p>\n How to Work With Your Shoulds<\/p>\n The way forward isn\u2019t to eliminate our shoulds, but to change how we relate to them. Here are a few ways to work with yours:<\/p>\n
\nI should be on time\u2026 I should not rush the precious moments of my life.
\nI should accomplish more\u2026 I should give myself a break.<\/p>\n