– Broken and Paranoid
Broken and Paranoid: Oh, love. You’re asking the wrong question. I know weight gain can sometimes trigger shame, but I urge you to find a way to banish the idea that you let him (or anyone) down by gaining it (more on that in a moment).
You’ll need to contend with two hard truths: you snooped – sounds as though ChatGPT is his diary or therapist – and you cannot unsee what you’ve seen. If you want to stick with your boyfriend, even if this was insecurity-fuelled invasion of privacy, you’ll need to disclose and resolve the breach of trust, because there’s no going back to a time you didn’t see this.
He asked ChatGPT. You’re asking me (thanks, by the way!). Now is the time for real conversations with each other. You could invite him to open up to you instead of a robot. Maybe he was blowing off steam to AI. Or telling the truth when you asked about your sex life. Or offering excuses to avoid saying hurtful things to you. Whelp, hurtful things are now out. Here’s his chance to be fully honest about how he feels about himself, his needs, his values and whether he still wants to be with you. (Questions you should earnestly ask of yourself, too). Each person has their own hierarchy of needs within a relationship, and you’re only in charge of your own. For example, you’re allowed to have a need to feel desired. Is this important to you? Given his chat log – and maybe it’s just part of the story – he sounds conflicted. He may need to sort himself out. You may, too.
It’s not uncommon for relationships to get disrupted when one partner undergoes a dramatic physical transformation. Married people who’ve had bariatric surgery have higher divorce rates – one study found they’re more than twice as likely to split – in part because that kind of major weight loss can have ripple effects on shared habits, rituals and sex lives. The established equilibrium is upended. Perhaps yours has, too. You could enlist professional resources or experts (of which I am not, but neither is ChatGPT) individually or as a couple for support. But it’s helpful to know this is a broader societal dynamic that isn’t just about you two.
For your part, if you wish to make lifestyle changes, I pray you find a way to be motivated by a desire to be happy and healthy – mentally, emotionally, physically – for your own sake, not to alter your appearance to persuade someone to stay with you. You’re deserving of love, and if someone loves you, your well-being should be their top concern. Is your well-being also your top concern? If not, what actions can you take to prioritise it?
Now, I say this with all the kindness in the world: if your boyfriend doesn’t want to marry you because of your weight gain, or your difficulty dealing with it, this is what it is. We cannot always control our attraction. But consider what this would tell you about him, your dynamic and whether you’d even feel safe being tied together for life. For instance, if you drop the weight now, what happens if it comes back? The commitment you’re contemplating is serious business. You enter into a marriage with a particular body, and then life will life. Accidents. Unexpected illnesses. Hormone roller coasters. We all age (well, unless you’re Kris Jenner/have Kris Jenner money and time, but that’s another matter). The bodies we start with inevitably change, and sometimes we, and our desires, change, too.
Ideally, you and your person can navigate it all together. Not everyone can. But I assure you life only gets more complicated from here. How you treat each other and yourselves during the complications is far more revealing than any number on a scale. If you can’t weather this particular season together, you’ll probably be saving yourself so much more heartbreak down the line.
The Washington Post’s new advice column, Say More, tackles relationship conflicts of all types: romantic, familial, platonic, etc. Elahe Izadi is a staff writer covering media and also co-hosts the daily podcast Post Reports.