Brisbane private school mums send their well-heeled progeny to a cluster of elite institutions known mainly by their nicknames. If you know, you know. If you don’t, you probably don’t belong here.
Their schools of choice range geographically from Indooroopilly (St Peter’s) to Toowong (BBC) to Spring Hill (Terrace) to East Brisbane (Churchie) and All Hallows in the CBD.
Further afield are St Aidan’s in Corinda — for those who believe a good education is worth a 45-minute school run — and Hillbrook in Enoggera.
The Brissie school mum lives in a renovated Queenslander in one of the right suburbs: Hamilton, New Farm, Ascot or St Lucia – riverfront, of course, because what’s the point otherwise?
Her name is Jess, Sarah or Emily, and she’s married to Sam, Josh or Christopher. She went to boarding school because she’s from somewhere west of the Divide and swears it made her who she is today.
Her children are called Hunter, Bodhi, Phoenix, Tilly, Clem and Beau, and she openly wept the morning those golden curls hit the barbershop floor on the first day of year 5.
Her husband is a member of the Tattersalls and Queensland Turf Clubs, but is at his happiest on a Saturday at Ballymore, preferably when Terrace is putting it over Nudgee. He’s a stockbroker, a funds trader or a seventh-generation grazier who just sold his ag start-up for $25 million. But he still orders an XXXX Gold mid-strength when he’s unwinding on Bedarra Island. Old habits.
The Brisbane private school mum is a blonde or brunette with artfully tousled bed-hair she absolutely did not spend 40 minutes on. Thanks to Wegovy, she’s never been thinner.
She deserves respect as an accomplished professional, juggling double school drop-offs, year three morning teas, kids’ orthodontic appointments alongside corporate work in marketing, law, health or the arts.
She does school runs in a Porsche Cayenne or late-model Range Rover Defender with onyx and ivory styling. Her husband, however, drives an electric Porsche Taycan – partly for the environment, mostly so the family can still make it to Sunshine Beach during the next fuel crisis.
At this time of year she is reliably found in Citizens of Humanity jeans and an Ulla Johnson knit from Calexico. Come summer, it’s Alemais all the way, every weekend, without apology.
A big occasion calls for Donna Chang, where she’ll secure the best booth in the room and spend three hours with other school mums debating the relative merits of the tennis program at BBC or Terrace. Oh, the exquisite agonies of choosing between top-tier private schools. St Aidan’s or Churchie? St Margaret’s or St Michael’s? BBC or Grammar?
She also loves a staycation at the Calile, particularly its pool, which exists primarily as a backdrop for her Instagram content.
She adores the views and the vibe at Lina Rooftop, especially when she feels brave enough to slip into her swimmers — Zimmermann bikini with matching day dress, naturally. Shhh… don’t tell anyone, but she bought the latter on Depop for $100 bucks and is hoping right now she doesn’t run into the school mum whose daughter sold it to fund her Euro summer.
She’d love to catch up — kiss, kiss, miss you darling — but this weekend she’s heading to Noosa. She fully intends to get away from it all. She will instead spend the entire time running into other private school mums in Kivari strappy maxidresses colour-matched to her aperol spritz.
One the days she’s working from home (we all know what that really means), the Brissie school mum stays close to her patch.
After drop-off at Stuartholme or BBC, she heads to Goodfolk Café in Bardon for a turmeric latte before checking out the new arrivals at Hummingbird in Paddington. Somerville House mums, meanwhile, pop to Under the Clock for a quick catch-up over a matcha or a Booster smoothie — it’s literally under the school, so there’s really no excuse not to.
Terrace mums mark the end of term at Dovetail Social in Highgate Hill with a gluten-free high tea that is genuinely, certifiably coeliac-safe, which they mention to everyone, twice.
Grammar mums who have somehow found a park on notorious Gregory Terrace head straight to Sisco on Boundary Street after drop-off, where they will sit in the leafy courtyard with their poodles, moodles and groodles, collectively ignoring the fact that they own three-quarters of the same dog.
Northside parents from St Rita’s and Clayfield College are regulars at Dandelion & Driftwood in Hendra,where mimosas at lunch are perfectly acceptable on non-pick-up days. And let’s be honest — they planned their timetables accordingly.
Her idols: Cathie Reid, Jude and Jo Turner, Kate Greer, Rebecca Mitchell, Liz Cantor, Sarah Hackett, Samantha Ogilvie, Fleur Madden, Bernadette Borg, Mia Bannister, Louise Bennett and Skye Belcher.
Thanks to Zara Wong, who can be found at the Substack Screenshot This, for the field guide inspo, although we’ve compiled our own version.
As Wong puts it, “This is all fictionalised so if you recognise yourself, that’s purely by coincidence”.
Have we nailed it or failed it? Leave a comment below or email us at education@news.com.au