Cockroaches, microwaved food, brunch “worse than a McDonalds cheeseburger”.

The world of online restaurant ratings is cruel, brutal and unhinged.

Google or TripAdvisor reviews can make or break a business — or at least have you second-guessing dinner.

As the Herald Sun’s food and wine editor and restaurant critic, I’m lucky enough to have eaten in some of the city’s best restaurants, but not always the worst.

I also don’t hold a lot of faith in user-generated reviews.

Iffy restaurants game the system by getting their mates to leave favourable scores.

Others promise money off the final bill in exchange for a five-star review.

Quite frankly, the system is cooked.

So I wondered whether those one-star reviews actually held any weight? Were those restaurants really as bad as they were made out to be online?

After filtering the gross, from the grubby and gastro-inducingly bad (and arming myself with a pack of Imodium) I set off to review Melbourne restaurants with the worst, one-star reviews.

From the tourist traps, to restaurants so bad “food from your own kitchen floor” is better off — nothing was off limits.

The Quarter

First stop, Degraves St honey pot The Quarter.

It’s a tourism hotspot and easy lure for hungry mouths looking to box-tick a city laneway restaurant experience. I’m seated immediately, handed a menu, and then wait to order.

A couple of businessmen seated directly next to me, have their orders taken before me.

I was seated first, and tell them I’ll order next. They insist I order now.

“Ladies first,” they say, as the waiter stares awkwardly at us.

It’s not her fault, the staff are run off their feet and can’t keep up with who ordered when. What this suggests is there’s no flow in the dining room.

Orders are taken sporadically and land at the table in a similar fashion.

At one stage all 30 people inside the restaurant were waiting for their food to come out.

I waited half an hour for my ricotta-stuffed zucchini flowers arrive — this isn’t too bad, the average I’ve worked out from reviewing hundreds of restaurants over the years is 15-20 minutes.

Thirty minutes is longer than the average, but excusable because they are busy.

The result? Sad, limp and as oily as a sunbaker in summer. The zucchini and rocket salad beneath doubled as paper towel that day.

The filling inside the flowers was non-existent and those cucumber ribbons, as stated on the menu, were actually zucchini. Close enough, right?

The salad was fresh, just underseasoned and underdressed.

The Quarter wasn’t terrible, but not amazing, and nor a true reflection of a great Melbourne laneway restaurant.

Kim Sing

This Chinese restaurant was far worse.

It’s been a while since I’ve spat food into a napkin, or watch staff yell at each other like Gordon Ramsay on a bad day in full-view of the dining room. Or be served food from one of three microwaves. Actually, this should have been a red flag. Food landing within five minutes of ordering was another. Birds flying around the restaurant and rubbish and old cardboard boxes strewn over the floor should have signalled “get the hell outta there”.

Bizarrely, The Capitol Arcade venue had no shortage of customers.

That’s because everything on menu costs no more than $15.50. It’s cheap — but far from cheerful. No frills or thrills, the vegetarian rice was blander than a dish prepped in a high school’s home-ec class.

The wonton soup broth tasted solely of onions, not chicken as I assume was intended.

The wontons bobbing within were filled with an indecipherable meat akin to a cold, fatty sausage. It was so disgusting I spat it into my napkin.

The noodles were fine, and my interactions with the staff were pleasant. The staff all wore plastic gloves, but the bowls felt greasy to touch.

It was so gross, I felt like a needed a shower afterwards.

The Crane

In comparison, The Crane was a breath of fresh air. Despite being fined by the Department of Health for breaching food safety standards around hygiene, the experience was pleasantly surprising. The restaurant itself appeared clean, with staff wiping tables and sweeping the floor in their downtime. The food was being cooked to order out the back. I ordered wonton soup, chilli wontons and Singapore noodles. The soup had a chicken broth that tasted as you’d expect with perhaps a little too much salt, or MSG.

It wasn’t unpleasant, but not slurp-the-bowl-dry delicious either.

The wontons were soft and supple, though the chilli lacked a fiery punch. A waiter told me they make the meat mix at restaurant daily. Singapore noodles, a dish all about texture, lived up to expectations. The curry powder, which gives it its trademark fluorescent yellow tinge, wasn’t potent. There were a number of vegetables in the mix: red and green capsicum, onions, bean shoots. The only concern? The kitchen staff weren’t wearing hair nets. One woman working in the kitchen also blew her nose and put a tissue in the bin in full view of the dining room. I just hope she washed her hands.

Richmond Kebab House

This Swan St stayer, NOT to be confused with Lambs on Richmond, had a slew of one-star reviews online over the years. In 2022, ex-Pies star Heath Shaw said he “wouldn’t be going back” after an average-tasting chicken kebab that was all pita and BBQ sauce.

Like Shaw, I also visited at 1pm, not 1am, for a quick lunch.

I asked the kind man behind the counter what to order. He said the chicken and lamb kebab filled with all the trimmings was the most popular.

The meat however was flavourless, despite a tickle of spice. A heady garlic sauce cut through the richness of the lamb. I’m confident a hot from the fryer potato cake, dredged in enough chicken salt to build a sandcastle, would cure any hangover — this was the best part of the experience.

Tono on Borsari

Confession time. I have been here before. I didn’t realise it at the time, but the memories flooded back when I was approached by a woman on the street persuading me to have dinner here. Getting accosted on Lygon St, back in the day, was a Melbourne rite of passage. It’s a dying art these days, but this woman still pulls the tricks. I watch her net three people within 30 minutes. In a former life I’d imagine her as a car sales person, maybe even a lawyer. Unannounced, she tells another table she worked in security.

I can see why people would hate on a restaurant like this — the salesman tactics can be annoying. The upsells, double menu, constant one-way word vomit. It’s a lot. And yes you read that correctly, there are two menus here.

One on the wall without prices and another handed to you after being seated, which may catch a few people off guard.

The pasta hovers around $35 a plate, the mains don’t go north of $53, which in this climate is considered a bargain.

I order an arancini drenched in red sauce was more soggy than shatter-fine.

The gnocchi, also in napoli, was homemade — gentle like a kiss to eat but I flinched with every bite after reading someone found a cockroach in their pasta. Biting into the occasional hard bit of potato sent me into a spiral.

Overall, Tono was pleasant. The waiter was kind to me. The food was rustic and homely. The experience old school but charming. Though I was unsettled by the lack of menu pricing transparency. If you’re not brave enough to ask to see the menu before being seated — or can’t get a word in to ask — you may be in trouble. Trust is a big part of feeling comfortable.

Verdict?

I’m not in a hurry to return to these restaurants.

While Google and TripAdvisor reviews are unregulated, they are a trusted platform for diners.

I’d just say take each review with a grain of salt. There’s a glimmer of truth to each, but they weren’t nearly as bad as I expected.