At this time of year, Melbourne private school mums size each other up by the logo on their black puffer jacket. It\u2019s a precise and unforgiving hierarchy.<\/p>\n
North Face? Absolutely not. (Dan ruined that.) Kathmandu? Please. (Too povvo.) PE Nation? Now we\u2019re getting somewhere. Stella McCartney? Respectable. Moncler? Bingo.<\/p>\n
The Melbourne private school mum privately believes there are only two boys\u2019 schools worth mentioning: \u201cthe red\u201d (Scotch) and \u201cthe blue\u201d (Melbourne Grammar). Those whose husbands aren\u2019t old boys have to make peace with Trinity, Xavier, Camberwell Grammar or Brighton Grammar. <\/p>\n
The girls, naturally, are at MLC, Ruyton, Melbourne Girls\u2019 Grammar, Firbank, Loreto – Mandeville Hall, of course – or St Caths. <\/p>\n
For co-ed, it\u2019s got to be Carey, Wesley, Caulfield or Haileybury. Mentone is a possibility, but only to make drop-offs easier.<\/p>\n
The Melbourne private school mum does school runs in a Porsche Cayenne or late-model Range Rover Defender with onyx and ivory styling. Her husband, however, drives an electric Porsche Taycan – partly for the environment, mostly so the family can still make it to Portsea during the next fuel crisis. <\/p>\n
Speaking of Portsea, she has had the holiday house listed as her primary residence since Covid and simply hasn\u2019t gotten around to fixing that. Also, it\u2019s a handy get-around for land tax. (Dan, again.)<\/p>\n
In summer, exhausted by all those 4am rowing runs, she can be found on the deck of Sorrento\u2019s Couta Club, working her way through multiple bottles of Pommery with a gaggle of pals. <\/p>\n
With top-tier private school annual fees now hitting $50,000 even before the $15,000 school immersion in France – she\u2019s most likely to be a powerhouse professional, juggling PTA volunteering with a demanding corporate gig in marketing, law, health and the arts. <\/p>\n
Her name is Sarah, Mel, Nat or Bec. She may be a Baillieu, a Gandel, a Fox or a Pratt \u2014 or she\u2019s simply following them on Instagram, which is basically the same thing.<\/p>\n
Every year she dutifully drags the kids to Mount Buller for ski lessons in pursuit of a spot on the school snow squad. Because everyone who is anyone is at Buller for the interschools. It\u2019s the private school snow sports spectacular where St Catherine\u2019s wins everything, every year, without fail.<\/p>\n
The Melbourne private school mum lives in the inner east, but not too inner. Think Surrey Hills, Kew, Balwyn, Mont Albert or Canterbury. She can be found ducking into Bob Stewarts for school uniforms, getting toasted with the girls at Bar Alba, and picking up wardrobe pieces from Husk, Once Was and the Gucci boutique at Chaddy. Find her on a Friday collecting her husband from the Auburn after a big session with his school mates \u2014 they still call it the Geebung, and they always will. <\/p>\n
Her husband, who\u2019s probably called David, Michael, Matt or Josh, is a barrister, a surgeon, or a partner at a top-tier accounting firm. They met at Carey Grammar in the early 2000s, when the rules against student fraternising were, shall we say, non-existent.<\/p>\n
Or maybe she\u2019s part of the Toorak \u201cTrack\u201d set, tucked into Armadale or Malvern. She catches up with her school mums at Moby, High Society or Brothers Keepers on High Street, Armadale, where she will engineer a late-minute switch for Allegra from Firbank to St Caths. (Legal papers for the bullying legal case have already been filed.)<\/p>\n
Their group will usually migrate to Toorak Cellars, the wine bar Wayne Carey made famous earlier this year, for reasons she doesn\u2019t bring up in polite company. She and her friends are devoted to Moncler, and believe dropping $5,000 on a Hemiptere Hooded Wool and Cashmere jacket is entirely justified if it means turning heads at the Cordner-Eggleston Cup.<\/p>\n
There\u2019s also a generous allocation of private school mums throughout Bayside – Brighton, Albert Park, Middle Park, Hampton and Sandringham. <\/p>\n
The Bayside private school mum is likely to be called Tash or Brooke, does pilates six mornings a week (she\u2019s invested in the studio) and can be found enjoying the happy-hour half price Moet champagne at Half Moon on a Friday arvo. <\/p>\n
She knows every Brighton boutique owner by first name, considers spending $600 on a linen shirt \u201csupporting a local\u201d and hasn\u2019t crossed North Rd for more than a decade. She\u2019ll have coffee at Pantry, or maybe Oli and Ari for a more confidential catch-up about how hard it is to get good tradies on the Peninsula.<\/p>\n
The Melbourne private school mum is happy and blessed. But deep down, she\u2019s fantasising about a tree change \u2014 specifically, relocating to the country so her daughter Beatrice who looks wonderful in pale blue, can attend Geelong Grammar. And, of course, so she can have a chic black barn, just like Chyka.<\/p>\n
Idols: Rebecca Judd, Rebecca Harding, Sarah Case, Alex Pendlebury, Olivia Molly Rodgers, Kylie Brown, Alex Fevola, Jo Horgan, Carla McGuire, Fiona Myer, Virginia Gibson, Georgie Garnaut, Amanda Briskin-Rettig, Margie Woods, Chantel Thornton and Chyka Keebaugh.<\/p>\n
Thanks to Zara Wong, who can be found at the Substack Screenshot This, for the field guide inspo, although we\u2019ve compiled our own version. <\/p>\n
As Wong puts it, \u201cThis is all fictionalised so if you recognise yourself, that\u2019s purely by coincidence\u201d. <\/p>\n
Have we nailed it or failed it? Leave a comment below or email us at education@news.com.au <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"At this time of year, Melbourne private school mums size each other up by the logo on 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