\u201cI\u2019d tried chiropractor, various other things, and when you\u2019re in pain you\u2019ll do anything to quell it.\u201d<\/p>\n
The masseuse was a man named Cameron Michael Petrie, and after initially balking at the idea of a male massage therapist, Clarke was quickly reassured by the friend who had recommended him. <\/p>\n
\u201cMy friend said, \u2018no, he\u2019s got the safest hands,\u2019 and it\u2019s amazing how if someone who you trust has said that he\u2019s safe, then [you automatically] go with that,\u201d she reflects.<\/p>\n
After the first three sessions with Petrie passed without incident, Clarke had returned for a fourth session when she noticed something was very wrong. <\/p>\n
\u201cWe\u2019re probably three quarters of the way through,\u201d she recalls, \u201cI\u2019m on my back, fully relaxed, eyes closed. I mean, you\u2019re almost in an unconscious dream-state.\u201d <\/p>\n
\u201cThen I just remember thinking, \u2018what the heck is that sensation?\u2019\u201d<\/p>\n
Suddenly, Clarke realised Petrie had begun assaulting her. But to her horror, she was unable to fight back. <\/p>\n
\u2018When\u2019s it gonna stop?\u2019<\/p>\n
\u201cTime just slowed down,\u201d she continues, \u201cthen I realised what he was doing. This whole feeling came over my body of \u2018surely not, surely not\u2019, and then just this panic.\u201d <\/p>\n
\u201cIt was like this little tiny part of me was going, \u2018no, no, no, stop, stop, stop,\u2019 and it was like this childlike cry.\u201d<\/p>\n
Trapped by her own terror, Clarke experienced what she now knows was a physiological phenomenon called \u2018tonic immobility\u2019, or \u2018the freeze response\u2019.<\/p>\n
\u201cIt was this feeling of- how can I be crying and screaming so loudly, but nothing is coming out?\u2019\u201d she explains. <\/p>\n
\u201cIt\u2019s like the noise was bouncing off my ribs. My whole body went limp. And I would say that it felt like there was a disassociation, but also a part of me just thinking, \u2018when\u2019s it gonna stop? when\u2019s it gonna stop?\u2019\u201d<\/p>\n
Tonic immobility: The biological survival switch<\/p>\n
Tonic immobility is an involuntary, reflexive biological response to an inescapable threat or extreme fear.<\/p>\n
\u201cIt\u2019s a nervous system response,\u201d Clarke explains, \u201cso you have fight, flight, freeze, and fawn. Fawn is like people-pleasing – like, \u2018I just give in. I just don\u2019t speak up for myself\u2019. Fight obviously speaks for itself. Flight is running away.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cFreeze is when fight and flight isn\u2019t available,\u201d she explains, adding that because she was in a darkened room, where nobody knew where she was, her fear of not making it out of a confrontation alive took over. <\/p>\n
\u201cIn that moment, it\u2019s a survival response.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou know, you could look up on YouTube an impala chased by a lion, and you\u2019ll watch the lion take the impala down,\u201d Clarke continues. <\/p>\n
\u201cBefore it gets eaten, the impala will start to play dead. It slows its breathing to the point where its ribs are hardly moving, its eyes are staring. It\u2019s called tonic immobility. It\u2019s biology.\u201d<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
Shame, fear and three words that made a difference<\/p>\n
After Petrie\u2019s assault was over and Clarke was safely out of his reach, she disclosed what had happened to a friend who connected her with DV support services. <\/p>\n
But after initially reporting the assault to Noosa police, Clarke – aware of the brutality of the trial process due to her time in the police force – backed out. <\/p>\n
\u201cI asked the detective what was going to happen next. He said, \u2018well, there\u2019s probably a high chance it would go to trial,\u2019\u201d Clarke recalls. <\/p>\n
\u201cAs soon as I heard \u2018trial\u2019 that\u2019s when [I realised] I\u2019m not ready, and I literally got up and ran out of the police station.\u201d<\/p>\n
A few days later, after processing what lay ahead, Clarke returned to Noosa police station ready to proceed. <\/p>\n
\u201cI remember the detective said to me, \u2018we believe you, Caroline,\u2019\u201d she says. <\/p>\n
\u201cAnd I can\u2019t tell you what those three words meant.\u201d<\/p>\n
Clarke was ultimately able to use her police training to secretly record a confession from Petrie, which enabled prosecutors to bring a strong case against the rapist.<\/p>\n
In May, he pleaded guilty to rape and aggravated sexual assault, and was sentenced to two and a half years imprisonment, suspended after eight months.<\/p>\n
\u2018No more silence\u2019<\/p>\n
Clarke, who chose to identify herself as a way to encourage other women not to be silenced by their abusers, says she has struggled with the shame and shock of not being able to fight back in the moment. <\/p>\n
\u201cI couldn\u2019t understand [with my police background], if I could take men down in the street… if someone grabs me in an alley, I would fight back,\u201d she says.<\/p>\n
\u201cThere\u2019s two parts of me going, \u2018what the heck happened that put me into such a limp state that I not only couldn\u2019t fight him, I couldn\u2019t even speak?\u2019 And that\u2019s what left me with so much shame, guilt and humiliation of not being able to understand why, why I couldn\u2019t protect myself.\u201d<\/p>\n
Clarke has launched an online movement called \u2018No More Silence\u2019 as a means by which to support other survivors. <\/p>\n
\u201cIt was created to help people to break their silence, and then to hand the shame back to where it belongs,\u201d she explains, adding that the platform quickly grew to over 20,000 members – an indictment on how prevalent sexual assault is. <\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019d already been working with a lot of women in domestic violence and sexual assault prior [to the massage room assault],\u201d Clarke explains.<\/p>\n
\u201cI realised that what prevented me in that moment from stepping forward was the silence. So what if we started to break our silence? And I\u2019m not talking about everyone just gathering at a police station, that\u2019s not the path for everyone.\u201d <\/p>\n
\u201cBut the first step to healing is actually voicing what happened. I\u2019ve got about 20,000 people from all around the world who are saying, \u2018finally.\u2019\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI believe if one person goes first, the other person has permission to go next,\u201d Clarke continues, \u201cand it becomes almost like a ripple effect.\u201d <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"When Caroline Clarke left the police force after almost a decade due to a bad car accident, 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