The issue seems to come down to the fact that the new trains are too fast to test on our existing tracks. The Government apparently doesn’t want to have to build a special test track and, understandably, doesn’t appear to want to send the rolling stock to China to be tested there either.
All this is another step along the way to how I predict HS2 will come to be used: as a heritage train ride in the same vein as the Settle to Carlisle train – only run on hubris instead of steam.
Novelty train day trips weren’t what anyone had in mind for HS2. But perhaps if we start viewing the whole farrago as macabre entertainment rather than a serious addition to British life, we might enjoy it more; should any of us still be living when HS2 finally opens.
It really wouldn’t cost too much more to just revamp it as a “misery heritage line”. We can repaint the livery the colour of cold tea, allow smoking in the carriages and sell curly sandwiches in the buffet. As for the other stuff, you know, the arriving late, breaking down frequently and not going fast enough, well that will take care of itself. It shall be the transportation equivalent of Banksy’s Dismaland theme park in Weston Super-Mare.
American and European tourists will ride on it, thinking it an exceptional example of that strange gallows sense of humour of ours, all the while listening to the specially created soundtrack album, featuring Tracks Of My Tears and the entirety of Bob Dylan’s Slow Train Coming.
All this, and it’s only set to cost us £100bn. If only there were some way of harnessing the collective national ennui, irritation and despondence into a source of energy, we could have the damn thing up and running at top speed tomorrow.