Credit: Andy Parant
EARLY in the last decade Ricky Gervais sent his gormless pal around the world with a suitcase full of Monster Munch and a head full of cotton wool for An Idiot Abroad.
I felt just as out-of-place as poor Karl Pilkington as I ventured to the Savoie area of the French Alps for my own tribute act that you might call An Idiot on a Board.
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La Toussuire is the picture perfect Alpine ski resortCredit: ©andyparant.com
Mark hadn’t been on a board since 2020Credit:
My snowboarding skills are best described as enthusiastic but sporadic. A cross between Big Foot and Bambi.
Following my late arrival in the charming Alpine town of La Toussuire in the ski resort of Les Sybelles, I was whisked straight to Chez Marcel and Fonsine, a superior joint specialising in steak, wine and cheese.
The excellent wine was poured from a very elaborate carafe and after a starter of cheese and a bottomless basket of bread, it was on to the beef trolley with a bewildering selection of cuts and nationalities.
“I’ll have that one,” came my uncultured response pointing at the most appealing chunk which turned out to be an excellent cut of Wagyu.
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It was whisked straight to the flaming oven where owner Yannick Bouttaz, 48, was standing with his shovel and laser thermometer searching for the optimum location to sear my beef.
Whisked straight to Chez Marcel and Fonsine for dinnerCredit:
It emerged perfectly browned descending a deep red inside, served with potato dauphinois, a few strips of artichoke, mushrooms and a dollop of pesto.
Then I was up with the birds in the morning, still digesting my beef and feeling a bit woozy from the wine, as I headed off for my first catch-up lesson.
My last time on the slopes was February 2020, on the cusp of the pandemic.
My teacher Aurélie Hanotel, 31, was very patient in contrast to some ski instructors I’ve encountered who had the demeanour of an army drill instructor.
Snowboard technology has also advanced since my last time on the slopes and I was very impressed with the new step-on bindings pioneered by Burton around the time I last boarded.
Mark was staying in the Les Sybelles areaCredit: Andy Parant
No more hunching over fiddling with toe straps with frostbitten fingers. Just step-click-and-glide. In theory, at least.
“It’s just like riding a bike,” said Aurélie as I stared in horror at the interminable button tow, the first hurdle for many snow sport novices.
I fully expected to faceplant uphill but I was pleasantly surprised to find Aurélie was right as some long-forgotten muscle memory kicked in.
I sailed up the button tow and glided almost effortlessly down the green and blue slopes. Getting a bit cocky, I joked I’d be doing backflips by the end of the two-day trip. I hadn’t counted on my ageing pins though. The spirit was willing but the legs were weak.
Chalet-Hotel Les Beausoleil has perfect hands-off serviceCredit:
Sauna with stunning views at Hotel BeausoleilCredit: Hotel Beausoleil
At the end of the first day I was burst. I retired to Les Beausoleil, my quiet and comfortable hotel. Although situated just on the edge of the main strip it still felt like a tough hike home with stiff legs.
The hotel has a small complement of hands-off staff that some might find unsettling if you’re used to being waited on relentlessly. I was happy as they were content to just let you get on with it while still being on hand to help if required.
The sauna was fired up at my request and the jacuzzi was a fairly straightforward self-service affair with a stunning view of the Alps beyond the floor to ceiling windows.
There was little time to relax though, as the Les Sybelles staff were keen to give me a peek behind the scenes.
A 12-tonne snowplough raced towards me as I stood at the foot of the slopes at dusk.
Out bounded Matteo Perroton, 23, a baby-faced driver who works through the night to get the slopes ready for the next day.
“Jump in,” he said, telling me that he had been driving ploughs since a boy as he accelerated up the snow covered slope.
His experience gave me some comfort as he careered round sheer cliff edges like the monster machine was a Mini. I asked if he found his job scary.
“It’s a bit scary when the plough loses grip and slides down the slope like a snowboard,” he replied. A bit scary? I decided to stop asking questions.
Back to the hotel for a late dinner sampling Les Beausoleil’s very reasonable 40 euro set menu offering scallops or foie gras, fish or veal mains, followed by a cheeseboard and dessert selection.
Straight to bed for an early start for part two of my behind the scenes tour, up before dawn to join the ski patrol as they did their final checks before opening the slopes. I warned them in advance I was a novice snowboarder and pleaded to steer clear of the black runs.
The views on the early morning trip were stunningCredit: Andy Parant
Mark enjoyed red runs and red wine on the tripCredit:
I clearly set the bar too high as I was faced with two tricky reds, complete with a fresh coating of deep overnight snow.
My tired day-two legs couldn’t quite make the turns so I just had to scrape down the sheer slope, almost triggering a mini-avalanche as the fresh dump piled up in front of me like a human snowplough.
I had visions of tumbling into a snowball like some slapstick cartoon.
Time for a quick coffee at Les Airelles, the café at the foot of the slopes where the hardier types were already on the Desperado beers and wine before the lifts had even opened.
Aurélie took my ambition for backflips by teatime a bit too literally for our second lesson, launching me straight down more reds before my legs gave way for good.
GO: LES SYBELLES
GO: SKIING
GETTING THERE: EasyJet.com have fights from Edinburgh to Lyon with prices from £41.49pp one way. Les Sybelles is accessible by train to Saint-Jean-de-Maurienne followed by a 20km taxi ride.
STAYING THERE: Rooms at Chalet-Hotel Les Beausoleil from £198. See beausoleilhotel.com.
MORE INFO: Adult day pass from £52. Adult 6-day pass £262. Free passes for children under 5 and seniors over 75. For more info see sybelles.ski.
It was rewarded with lunch at Le Rooftop des Anges at an altitude of 2,225m. That’s almost a kilometre taller than Ben Nevis.
After two nights of beef I opted for a simple but delicious salad followed by a blueberry tart the size of a New York pizza slice that I could only manage about half.
I couldn’t wait to get back and soak in the hot tub followed by a few cold beers and some noodles at 2 Alpes bar and restaurant.
The taxi ride back to Lyon Airport at dawn was a sight to behold. I gazed open mouthed at the stunning Alps outside the window, even though I’d spent two days stumbling down them.
I was disappointed my legs let me down on day two but Aurélie reassured me that my efforts were decent for someone that hadn’t snowboarded in yonks.
“I would have struggled with that itinerary if I hadn’t boarded for six years,” she said, probably humouring me but I’ll take it.
I might be an idiot on a board but I have it on good authority that I’m not a wimp.