I am ending my life at a clinic in Switzerland today. This piece was written three weeks ago. I\u2019ve been trapped for decades in a body that doesn\u2019t function the way other bodies do and I am ready to finally be free.<\/p>\n
I have severe multiple chemical sensitivities, also known as MCS or environmental illness, which means my body reacts to the world around me in deeply painful, incredibly draining ways. Not only do perfumes and colognes cause unbearable respiratory, neurological and skin reactions, but so do most detergents, fabric softeners, shampoos, deodorants, lotions, sunscreens, smoke, household cleaners, and many other substances.<\/p>\n
I\u2019ve been dealing with MCS for 40 years. It was mild in the beginning, but it\u2019s continued to escalate to the point where I\u2019m now sensitive to almost everything. I can\u2019t take medicines \u2014 not even something as common as ibuprofen or Tylenol \u2014 without a reaction, so pain management is very difficult for me.<\/p>\n
I also have fibromyalgia, which is another illness that many people know nothing about, and many others don\u2019t even believe it really exists. It does and it\u2019s debilitating. I can barely use my hands, and my muscles are weak. I experience pain at night, and it\u2019s very difficult for me to sleep. <\/p>\n
My issue with my muscles has also been going on for almost 40 years. I used to be very active. I loved playing sports like tennis when I was younger. All of a sudden, in my early 20s, I couldn\u2019t hold the racket anymore. I\u2019d try to hit the ball and I couldn\u2019t. <\/p>\n
Because of both of these conditions, I have been unable to leave my home or lead anything close to resembling a \u201cnormal\u201d life. I can\u2019t even hug people anymore. That hurts so much because I\u2019m a hugger. I love expressing my love and I can\u2019t. I\u2019m not a part of the world anymore. <\/p>\n
It\u2019s difficult to put into words the misery I have suffered but I have tried to make the best of my situation. For many years, I hoped doctors might discover something that would give me some relief, but they never have. There is nothing for someone who can\u2019t take medicine. <\/p>\n
Last summer I was diagnosed with breast cancer, which has metastasized to my lymph nodes. I told my doctors, \u201cI don\u2019t want any treatment.\u201d I knew undergoing anesthesia for surgery could kill me, and if I didn\u2019t die on the operating table, I could end up even sicker and in more pain than I already am. I couldn\u2019t tolerate chemotherapy, which my doctors recommended along with surgery, so there wasn\u2019t a path forward for me. <\/p>\n
I knew I wanted to end my life within seconds of learning that I have breast cancer. I said, \u201cThank God, I can go now,\u201d because I knew that in order to qualify for \u201cdeath with dignity\u201d \u2014 or medical aid in dying \u2014 in the United States, you must have a terminal illness. Suddenly I was in a position where I could finally stop struggling and go in a peaceful manner \u2014 or at least I thought I could. I thought, someone gave me a golden ticket!<\/p>\n
My surgeon said he respected my choice, but my oncologist was not receptive to my plan. She wanted me to see a therapist for depression. I told her, \u201cThe depression I have is from suffering all the time \u2014 that\u2019s what\u2019s causing my depression.\u201d When I asked her nurse for my records, I was told my oncologist \u201cdoesn\u2019t support my decision.\u201d<\/p>\n
But it\u2019s not her decision. It\u2019s mine. <\/p>\n
I began researching options in the United States and discovered not only is there a lot of legal red tape about who qualifies (I wouldn\u2019t at this point because I would have to wait until my body was eaten up by the cancer and, since I can\u2019t take pain medicines, to get to that point would be literal torture), but you\u2019re also required to take the end-of-life drugs orally, which I know I can\u2019t do. I will throw up anything I take \u2014 it just won\u2019t work. <\/p>\n
I kept researching<\/a> and found a nonprofit clinic in Switzerland that administers the drugs intravenously, accepts nonresidents, and you don\u2019t have to have a terminal illness to qualify. Fortunately, I do have one, because that clinched the clinic\u2019s decision to approve me. <\/p>\n I filled out a thorough application that asked questions about my condition, my mindset, even my childhood \u2014 and provided them with documentation of my cancer, my ultrasound scans showing it has spread to my lymph nodes, and a letter from my primary physician stating, \u201cI\u2019ve been treating her for years, she\u2019s been going through hell, and I highly support her decision.\u201d I also had a medical history compiled by a physician that went back to my childhood and listed all of the issues I\u2019m dealing with, from the chemical sensitivities to the fibromyalgia to my sensitivities to medicine. <\/p>\n The clinic charges $10,000, which people think is expensive, and it is, but if you were suffering the way I am, how much would you spend to end your misery? I applied in early March and heard back a few weeks later. They said my application had been approved and asked when I wanted to end my life. I told them I needed two months because I had a lot to get done before I leave. I wanted to go immediately, so I can end my pain, but I have loose ends to tie up and I want to say goodbye to the people I love. <\/p>\n My husband and I built a new home a year ago and I want to help him get it set up before I go. I want it to be a welcoming space for his friends and his next girlfriend \u2014 if and when he finds one. That\u2019s very important to me. I\u2019m also the one who does all of our paperwork \u2014 the bills and all of that \u2014 so I\u2019m going through it all with him to make sure everything makes sense to him. I\u2019ve always been good with those kinds of details and he isn\u2019t, so that\u2019s a major concern for me. There\u2019s just so much to do: signing the title of my car over to him; closing bank accounts; all of the stuff you do when you\u2019re a human being living a life. But that\u2019s over for me now. <\/p>\n We\u2019ve been married for 20 years. He has been so incredibly supportive. He has watched me suffer and taken care of me all of these years and it has been so hard on him and I don\u2019t want that for him anymore. I know he\u2019s devastated \u2014 he\u2019s broken down a few times \u2014 but he\u2019s trying to keep himself together because he knows that is what I want. He would never ask me not to do this. <\/p>\n He knows this is what\u2019s best for me \u2014 for both of us. He will grieve because he will miss me but I want him to move forward and truly live. He will finally experience a freedom he hasn\u2019t had for a long time and he can go anywhere he wants. He can finally eat whatever he wants. Right now I can have reactions just from his breath if he\u2019s eaten something that can trigger me. Spending every minute of your day worrying that something you\u2019ve done might hurt the person you love is no way to live. <\/p>\n My friends have also been supportive. I\u2019ve withheld a lot of my suffering from them because I didn\u2019t want to burden them, but they know how hard it\u2019s been for me and they\u2019re happy that it\u2019ll be over soon. <\/p>\n My mother is having the hardest time out of everyone I know. She understands why I\u2019m doing this, but she doesn\u2019t want me to leave. She doesn\u2019t want to see her daughter go. Who would? Despite how she feels, she supports me because she knows I will be free and at peace.<\/p>\n It\u2019s very hard for people to wrap their heads around death, especially someone choosing death. I know some people are probably thinking, \u201cWhat if next Tuesday there\u2019s suddenly a cure?\u201d or, like my oncologist, \u201cJust try treatment and see what happens,\u201d but I\u2019ve had too many health issues that are too debilitating and isolating. I just don\u2019t have any quality of life left. There\u2019s not going to be a magic solution for all of it. And … I\u2019m ready. I feel like I\u2019ve done what I came to do in this lifetime. <\/p>\n I believe there is an afterlife. I lost my daughter several years ago and I can\u2019t wait to see her again. Knowing that she is waiting for me on the other side has made this easier, but this is not easy. I\u2019m happy that I\u2019m going to be experiencing life again in the most free-form, painless way, but I\u2019m sad because I\u2019m leaving so much of what I love behind me. I\u2019m also sad about the condition of the world. Part of me wants to be here to help, but what can I do? <\/p>\n My husband is taking me to Switzerland. We\u2019re going to visit Europe for two weeks before my appointment. We\u2019re staying at an organic farm in Tuscany \u2014 I\u2019ve been there before and I can breathe there. I\u2019m too weak to travel to the little towns around it and sightsee, but just being surrounded by all of that beauty and peace will be enough. And I\u2019ll get to be there with him. It\u2019ll be our time to connect and say goodbye. That\u2019s really important to me. <\/p>\n I\u2019ve been thinking a lot about life since I decided to end mine and I think to get the most out of it, we need to support each other, be compassionate, and do whatever we can to help others. That\u2019s what it all boils down to for me. No, it\u2019s not rocket science, but that doesn\u2019t mean it\u2019s easy. Looking back over my 65 years on Earth, I see that\u2019s what really matters. I hope I\u2019ve done that. I hope I\u2019ve made some kind of difference.<\/p>\n That\u2019s partly why I wanted to tell my story. I want people to remember that many people are struggling with something and we have no idea what it\u2019s like to be in someone else\u2019s body or mind or position. Offering less judgment and more grace would go a long way. <\/p>\n I also want people to know that if they are suffering with a condition that will not get better and they have no quality of life, there are options. There is a way out of here. If you can\u2019t get to Vermont or Oregon (which both accept nonresidents) or you don\u2019t qualify for medical aid in dying in the United States, there are other places that will help you.<\/p>\n It\u2019s so sad to me that in our country, psychology, our laws, and religion have taught people it\u2019s a sin to die \u2014 especially to kill yourself. I don\u2019t think I should have to travel thousands of miles away to end my life. My life. And my death.<\/p>\n We have mercy for animals that are suffering, and we put them to sleep. Why can\u2019t we give people that? I just can\u2019t conceive of how we would rather watch someone suffer for months \u2014 even years \u2014 when they can find peace \u2026 if that\u2019s their choice. It blows my mind.<\/p>\n Maybe people think doing it this way sounds way too flip \u2014 like making an appointment for a haircut or getting a ticket to see a concert next month. You\u2019re probably wondering what it\u2019s like to have the day I chose to end my life approaching. It\u2019s strange \u2014 but it\u2019s also strangely comforting.<\/p>\n I will miss some things in this world and the people I love, but I will not miss the pain. Life is meant to be lived and that\u2019s not what I\u2019m doing. I haven\u2019t done that for a very long time. I\u2019m ready to go home.<\/p>\n Mary Elizabeth Holliday is the pseudonym of a writer, wife and mom who lived in the southern United States. She chose to end her life on July 12, 2024, with the help of medical intervention at a nonprofit clinic in Switzerland after decades of pain due to several debilitating conditions and a diagnosis of metastatic breast cancer.<\/p>\n This piece was previously published on HuffPost and is being shared again as part of HuffPost Personal\u2019s \u201cBest Of\u201d series.<\/p>\n Do you have a compelling personal story you\u2019d like to see published on HuffPost? Find out what we\u2019re looking for here<\/a> and send us a pitch at pitch@huffpost.com.<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"I am ending my life at a clinic in Switzerland today. 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