Proud to admit it, man enough to say it: I’m kinda obsessed with Erling Haaland. Before the World Cup, I always thought of him as ‘that scary big dude from Man City,’ which was both true and fair. But now – in the grips of the tournament, with my stolen valour Norway kit on – I’m fully in it. I’m getting served TikTok edits even the weirdest and most manospheric football bros wouldn’t get. My friends have started texting me when he posts his bizarro content on Snapchat. I have considered (but haven’t – important distinction) downloading Snapchat.
Is it a crime? He amuses me! There’s something deeply joyful about a man that can make funny online gags and then go on field in the World Cup and boot a ball so hard it changes the trajectory of some poor Brazilian dude’s life forever.
Until yesterday, my enjoyment of Haaland was strictly limited to his antics. Then I discovered his thing for Hermès. While trawling Instagram in an ongoing attempt to give myself brain damage, I stumbled across a post cataloguing Haaland’s entire Hermès collection.
It was like that scene in The Devil Wears Prada. (Oh god, I hope the football bros reading this have seen The Devil Wears Prada???) The HAC Rock, with asymmetrical zips. The skinny little Kelly Dépêches, worn like a clutch. The HAC Multi-pocket. Not one, but two HAC 50 Endless Roads! Are you wearing the– ? The Birkin Toile? Yeah. I am.
These aren’t garden-variety Hermès pieces. They aren’t bags you can pick up in store, even after you’ve toiled on the waitlist and dropped a few bands to get there. These are advanced Hermès picks. The kind you only get when you know ball. And Haaland knows ball.