Our advice columnists have heard it all over the years—so today we’re diving into the archives of Care and Feeding to share classic parenting letters with our readers. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.

Dear Care and Feeding,

My daughter is 5 and she’s absolutely adorable. I know all parents say that about their kids, but it’s true. She is very cute and uses that to get away with stuff. It’s unintentional for now, but I can imagine it could become intentional quickly.

My husband and I aren’t the sorts of parents who find it impossible to say “no” to our daughter, and most of her preschool teachers aren’t either. But grandparents, aunts and uncles, older cousins who babysit, one of her substitute preschool teachers, and other adults she’s regularly in contact with have a hard time saying no to her. These are people who had no issues saying no to my son when he was her age. As an example, the other day my mom brought over cookies—one for each person, which she was quite clear about. And the moment my daughter asked for a second cookie, my mom caved and gave my daughter hers. I’m afraid that my daughter will soon discover, if she hasn’t already, that she can get what she wants from people virtually just by looking at them. How can I mitigate this? Should I bring it up with our relatives? I feel like talking to my daughter about it would backfire tremendously.

—Please Say No

Dear Please Say,

Absolutely bring it up with your relatives. You’re right that talking to your daughter would only confirm overtly what she already knows instinctively—and would encourage her to deploy her superpower even more. Plus, it’s not her fault you’re in this situation, so it’s not her responsibility to correct it.

In my opinion, this is the perfect scenario in which to deploy the oft-ridiculed Mass Family Email. Share with the group that you and your husband have noticed that your daughter is getting away with murder, and everyone in the family is helping her hide the weapon. Use a healthy dash of humor and self-deprecation to mollify the group as you ask them to help you two nip this pattern “we all share” in the bud. You might also point out that if you have noticed the pattern, your son probably has too, and no one wants him to think his sister is more loved or pampered than he is. This email can lay important groundwork so that if (when) you must correct someone in the moment, it won’t feel so punitive or catch them off-guard. Trust your gut, you’re on the right path.

—Allison Price

From: I Think My Son’s Favorite Game Is Horrifying Everyone Around Us. (June 5th, 2023).

Please keep questions short (

Dear Care and Feeding,

My husband and his ex are on fairly good terms, and we celebrate many holidays and special occasions together so that my stepdaughter can be with all of her parents and siblings on those days. We also sit together at her games, concerts, etc.

My stepdaughter’s stepfather—her mother’s husband—is creepy. I’ve watched for years as he treats her (slightly) older cousins in inappropriate (flirty?) ways. Nothing obscene, just inappropriate. Hugs that last too long, carrying post-pubescent girls on his shoulders, rubbing a shoulder in a way that just doesn’t feel right to me. This is all in front of family.

On Wednesday, I saw him poke his 12-year-old niece in the bellybutton a couple of times. I don’t believe that any 12-year-old wants her uncle to touch her bare belly. Again, this was in front of several other adults, including the girl’s mom. We’ve heard other adults say that his conduct makes them uncomfortable as well.

Ending all contact isn’t possible because my stepdaughter spends half of her time at her mom’s. If we said that we would never again do anything together, it would hurt my stepdaughter. I worry that she would feel like she had to hide things from us. It would also break down communication between my husband and his ex-wife. Where do we go from here?

—He Gives Me the No Feeling

Dear HGMtNF,

One place not to go from here is considering no longer accompanying your stepdaughter to holidays and events where he will be present: In your position, what you want is more supervision, not less.

I do not love this situation. I wish I knew how old your stepdaughter is. From context clues, I get the impression that she is 10 or 11? That’s definitely old enough to be having very serious talks about personal space and what makes us uncomfortable. The problem with our emphasis on “stranger danger” is that strangers are a very small sliver of the problem when it comes to child molestation: Close friends and family are responsible for the vast majority of incidents, and it’s harder to explain to children that no one, not even Good Old Uncle Stan, can touch them in inappropriate ways.

Harder, but not impossible. You and your husband must sit down with your stepdaughter (regularly) and have these conversations. There’s no need to mention her stepfather (and it would be counterproductive and potentially alienating to do so); this is about her personal comfort and about appropriate conduct and boundaries. Make sure she knows you will believe her, and that she can call you day or night if something ever seems off. Have your husband encourage his ex-wife to have this talk with her as well; you can say her pediatrician says it’s a good idea at this age (it is!).

Check in regularly. Ask questions. Be watchful. Don’t catastrophize, but don’t be complacent, either. It’s possible he’s just kind of a creepy dude and his current conduct is the absolute extreme end of its manifestation, and I very much hope it is. I would also like you and the other parents who report having been made uncomfortable by this man to compare notes. More information is always better.

My final piece of advice is to absolutely run his name through the national sex offenders database. I know that lifetime registration is often coercive and that many of these individuals (public urinators!) do not pose any threat to others, and I believe that people have a right to live their lives, but also I would absolutely look up anyone sharing a roof with my minor children and I would not give two shits about their right to privacy in that situation.

—Nicole Cliffe

From: Oh Shoot, Our Freaking 3-Year-Old Has Started Swearing. (Aug. 5th, 2018)

Dear Care and Feeding,

I’m a solo mom of two toddlers—my husband works out of the state typically 2-3 months at a time for a good portion of the year, so I’m alone usually 60 percent of the time. We recently moved for the fourth time in six years and to be frank, I’m tired. I work a demanding full-time job (our new state is one of the most expensive in the U.S.) and rely on a mish-mash of daycare and part time babysitters to help corral the kids when I’m working. But in the evenings, when my support has gone home, and the kids are tired and cranky and demanding their daddy for the millionth time in five minutes, I lose it. My patience level drops to almost zero (I do ok if I’m caffeinated to within an inch of my life but it’s not a super sustainable solution).

I don’t like who I turn into at the end of the day. My patience fails, I snap at my kids, get frustrated at the drop of a hat, and one or more of us usually ends up crying. I try my hardest to take deep breaths and center myself, but I honestly can’t take another round of crying fits because brother is wearing the blue pajamas or because the dogs have fur and people don’t or whatever else it is that makes toddlers fail on a mechanical level. We don’t have close family or friends nearby, and our budget doesn’t really allow for additional paid support. I floated the idea of an au pair to my husband, but he didn’t like it (he’s weird about his space, even if he’s rarely in it). I know we’ll eventually get through this stage, but I’m not sure if I’ll be around to see it—I might run screaming into the void before then. Besides therapy, any advice?

—Flat-Out Exhausted

Jamilah Lemieux
I Can’t Stop Obsessing Over the Odd Thing That Happened With My Newborn at the Family Get-Together
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Dear Flat-Out Exhausted,

It’s not that talking with a good therapist about how you’re feeling can’t be beneficial, but it seems to me that you need more than that—you need concrete, logistical changes, right now. Does your husband understand that you’re at your breaking point? Whether or not you can get him on board with the idea of an au pair or just more childcare help, I think it’s important to share with him just how frustrated and overwhelmed you are. Feeling that way once in a while, or ending the day with a few parenting regrets, is one thing—when you mentioned screaming into the void and not being sure whether you’d be around to see the end of this stage, I felt really concerned for you.

I’m a bit confused about what you might be able to afford, because you said you floated the idea of an au pair but also mentioned that more paid support isn’t in the budget. I don’t think it’s right or reasonable for your husband to unilaterally veto the idea of childcare that is in the budget. But if he isn’t open to that, or you just can’t afford it, could you find a babysitter who’s available a few evenings a week and/or on the weekend? Are there any other types of home services you could occasionally pay for—maybe cleaning or meal prep?—that would make your solo-parenting time even a little easier?

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I think it’s really important for your husband to listen and try to understand what it’s like for you when he’s on the road for work, and how much you’re struggling on your own. I know it might be tough for you to be fully honest about it, but I think you need to let him know that you can’t simply keep going as you are. If he can understand how overwhelmed you are, then perhaps he’ll be able to understand that what you’re doing right now isn’t sustainable—either his work/travel situation needs to change, or your level of support and how you manage things at home does. I know it won’t be easy, and you’ll need time to figure out what’s doable and put any plans into action, but it seems clear that the two of you do need to start discussing and planning for some kind of change as soon as possible.

I sense a lot of self-blame in your letter, and I hope, at the very least, you can be gentler with yourself while you try to figure this out. Parenting toddlers is physically and mentally exhausting, and you’re doing the lion’s share of it alone. I’m sure you’re doing the best you can, and I hope you can get the help you need so that things start to feel more manageable.

—Nicole Chung

From: My Daughter Says She Has a “Messed Up Relationship to Exercise.” I Think She’s Just Lazy. (Aug. 31st, 2023).

More Advice From Slate

For husband and I are expecting our first (likely only) baby this spring. We are super fortunate to both have good jobs, and I’m wondering how to make a baby registry for a shower that doesn’t come off as obnoxious. Don’t register at all? Don’t put any big-ticket items on them? On shower invites put “no gifts, your presence is enough”? Suggest donating to a diaper bank instead? We certainly would appreciate any gifts given; I just don’t want anyone to feel like they have to bring a gift just to come to celebrate at a shower. Am I just overthinking this?

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