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Cold Open:
SFX: EXCITED CHATTERING
SFX: PARTY ESQUE MUSIC COMING FROM A BOOM BOX
BRIDGET: Ryan, can you believe we’re finally at the Podcast Hosts for Youths Sleepaway Camp!
RYAN: The one and only, PoHoFoYo Sleepaway Camp! Not bad for two podcasters who have never won a Teddy award for excellence in podcasting!
BRIDGET We’ve got a whole weekend of hanging out with other hosts of kids podcasts, doing all sorts of podcasty things, and a limited number of outdoor things!
RYAN: [ENTHUSIASTIC] Exactly, who knows what kind of crossover episodes might happen at this camp?? [EXPLAINING] In the world of podcasting, crossover episodes are like friendship bracelets. I bet we’re in for a good one, I can almost taste it! Can’t you too, Skimbleshanks??
SFX: MEOW
RYAN: Oh and you’ve got an idea for a money themed knock knock joke?
SFX: MEOW
RYAN: Who’s there?
SFX: MEOW
(SFX: RIM SHOT)
RYAN: [LAUGHING OK, that’s enough Skimbelshanks. You’re gonna steal the show. You’re already more popular than me.
BRIDGET: Here’s our camp site! Come on, let’s pitch these tents.
RYAN: There’s nothing like pitching a tent to really feel like you’re camping. Let’s see, it’s been a while since I’ve brought out the ole tent. Hope I can remember [GRUNTING] how this goes….
SFX CLANGING BANGING:
RYAN: Okay, I have six leftover poles, but I’m gonna ignore those.I’m all set as long as there’s no light breeze or heavy mist in the morning, or this whole thing could fall down.
BRIDGET: Here goes mine [SFX POP UP TENT POPS OPEN.] Perfect. Camping is just so easy! YAWNS. Okay, let’s get some shut eye and in the morning, we’ll answer questions, and hangout with our fellow podcast hosts!
RYAN: Oh drat, I forgot my sound machine. And I really need my full 14 hours of sleep or I’m just NO GOOD Well, they say nature is the REAL sound machine! I’m sure I’ll be asleep in no time!
BRIDGET: Okay well, good night!
SFX: TENT ZIPS SHUT
RYAN: Good night!
SFX: TENT ZIPS SHUT
[BEAT]
SFX: Slowly unzippering tent.
RYAN: Bridget. [BEAT, LOUDER] Bridget!
BRIDGET: [STARTLES AWAKE] Huh, what? I’m awake!
SFX: TENT UNZIPS
BRIDGET: Ryan, what is it?
RYAN: I can’t sleep.
BRIDGET: What?
RYAN: Earlier when I said nature is the REAL sound machine, I forgot to mention that usually I fall asleep to the sound of modernist Hungarian cinema from the 1960s on the Criterion Channel.
BRIDGET: What? Are you kidding me?
RYAN: I’m just a bad sleeper, okay! Normal sleep tricks don’t work on me! When I was a kid, I’d stay up past Rosanne! Past Coach! Past the 11pm news! Past Nightline!
BRIDGET: Ri-ght. Okay. Well, you’re gonna have to get some sleep, we’ve got all these fun activities planned for tomorrow. Podcast tile art at 10! Theme music a cappella at 11! And microphone aerobics at 2:30!
RYAN: I know all that, I read your itinerary, I still can’t sleep! If anything, thinking about how important it is for me to fall asleep is keeping me awake! It’s a vicious cycle!
DOUGIE PICKLES: Hey Howdy and Hippopotatmus High fives, my not-so sleepy friends! Dougie Pickles of Cozy Critters here with Miss Meow Meow, the sleepiest cat in the land.
BRIDGET & RYAN: Oh, hi Dougie, His Miss Meow Meow.
DOUGIE PICKLES: I heard someone’s having a hard time falling asleep, and that happens to be our area of expertise, since you know, Cozy Critters is a show that helps listeners fall asleep. Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
BRIDGET: That next time I should buy a tent with a zipper… that locks?
RYAN: Wait, is this it? Is this our crossover episode?? Our very own Jetsons Meets the Flintstones!
BRIDGET: I think it is!!
–THEME MUSIC–
RYAN: Welcome back to Million Bazillion! The podcast that answers the questions that kids and their families have about money. I’m Ryan.
BRIDGET: And I’m Bridget, and we help dollars make more sense. And today we’re at PoYoFoHo sleepaway camp, the top camping experience for hosts of kids podcasts. And we’re joined by Dougie Pickles and Miss Meow Meow of Cozy Critters.
DOUGIE PICKLES: That’s right, Cozy Critters, we’re the sleepytime podcast for kids who love animals.
RYAN: And we’re going all in on a crossover episode- even though I should already be asleep! So guys, how is this supposed to work? What’s the middle pointy part of the venn diagram between a show about money meant to keep you awake and a show about animals meant to put you to sleep?
DOUGIE PICKLES: Oh I wouldn’t worry about that, I’m sure we’ll find a lot in common. And Ryan, by the end of this episode, we’re going to get you to sleep! So on my podcast, I always like to start off with a breathing exercise.
BRIDGET: Oh, I love this! Ryan, you’re not even gonna get through this part, you’re gonna fall asleep before you know it and it’s just going to be me and Dougie doing the crossover I bet.
MUX: SPA MUSIC
DOUGIE: Let’s start by imagining we’re a cat, like Skimbleshanks and Miss Meow Meow. We have soft silky fur and a long tail–
RYAN: An exceedingly long tail, which I’d wield with real pizazz.
DOUGIE: Right, yeah, you do you. And we’re curled up in a circle in the sun, breathing in and out…
BRIDGET: Okay, I really like that calming voice you’re doing, Dougie, I feel so relaxed.
DOUGIE: Just focus on breathing now…
SFX: BRIDGET AND RYAN TAKING DEEP BREATHS
RYAN: [COUGHING] Oh, wait, hold on, oh, I think I just breathed in a mosquito!
BRIDGET: Okay, well that was fun, I feel more relaxed already. On our show, we usually start by asking a NOT so random question. Like…okay, here’s one:
MUX: ASKING RANDOM KIDS STING
JEREMIAH: Hi, I’m my name is Jeremiah. I’m 11 years old and live in Utah. If you had to pick an animal to be in charge of money, who would you pick?
RYAN: Easy. Magpie bird. They like bright, shiny objects. Just like me.
BRIDGET: Really? I’d pick a squirrel, they’re great savers and some of them have red hair.
DOUGIE I’d pick an octopus. Because they have eight arms; one for saving, one for spending, one for investing, one for giving… and four just for making world-class pizza.
BRIDGET: Oh, that’s a good one. Okay, now, let’s take a little break and hear how some of our listeners answered this question! And when we come back, Ryan, I want to hear some yawning over there!
RYAN: I’m trying, but I can’t yawn!
–ASKING RANDOM KIDS–
JEREMIAH: And now … it’s time for Asking Random Kids Not-So-Random Questions …
Today’s question is: If you had to put an animal in charge of the economy what kind of animal should it be?
—
I would choose a giraffe.
Either a dolphin or a crow, because they’re like some of the smartest animals besides humans.
I think it should be a chipmunk.
How about a monkey? They’re actually really smart.
If an animal was in charge of the economy, the animal would be a human because technically humans are a type of animal.
–
JEREMIAH: That was …
This has been Asking Random Kids Not-So-Random Questions.
RYAN: [HIGH ENERGY] And we’re back. Turns out, a lot of you have some really great thoughts about how to merge the animal kingdom and our economic system, that last answer really made ya think, am I right? And I’m not tired AT ALL. If anything, I’m MORE awake than ever in my whole life! But it’s time to Get. Me. To. Sleep. With this crossover episode that I’m sure is going to be a mash up of animal facts and money. So, Dougie Pickles, what do you have for me?
DOUGIE: Well, like I said, there’s plenty of crossover between the animal kingdom and your world of money..
RYAN: [OVERLY ENTHUSIASTIC] Really?
DOUGIE: Really!
BRIDGET: [SKEPTICAL] Really?
MUX: HAWAIIAN INSPIRED MUSIC
SFX BUBBLES
SFX: MOVEMENT THROUGH WATER
DOUGIE: Believe it or not, the coral reefs off Hawaii have their own underwater economy, complete with a fishy little entrepreneur! Enter the cleaner wrasse.
RYAN: The what now?
DOUGIE: Cleaner Wrasse. Let me tell you about this guy. This savvy swimmer runs a cleaning business where fish, and even turtles, line up to get their parasites and barnacles scrubbed off. It’s like a spa with snacks, because the wrasse gets paid in food! It actually eats the parasites as it cleans them off its aquatic customers! A win-win deal: clean customers, and a full belly for the wrasse.
RYAN: Wow, that’s like a really gross kind of car wash.
BRIDGET: It sounds like there’s a lot we can learn from these cleaner wrasses. They’re doing it right when it comes to running their own little small business. They figured out a need…all these sea animals have parasites. And then made their “business” the solution. And bonus points, since the solution is to EAT the parasites, they also get fed. .
DOUGIE: Ahem, if I may…when I’m trying to get my listeners to sleep, I like to think about talking slowly and calmly.
BRIDGET: Oh, right. Let me say that again. Uh…[CALMLY] any entrepreneur would give the cleaner wrasse a high five for doing such a good job of figuring out their business plan. Because the cleaner wrasse figured out what the sea animal kingdom needed most, that is, to clean off those ocean parasites. Great job, cleaner wrasse. [TONE SWITCH] Ryan, are you feeling sleepy now?
RYAN: No, unfortunately hearing about parasites has not relaxed me.
BRIDGET: [NORMAL PACE] Hrm. Okay…uh…Dougie? You got any other examples of animals and money? I kinda think an entrepreneurial fish is like, way too exciting to fall asleep to, I totally understand why Ryan is still awake.
DOUGIE: That was my best idea! I thought it would do the trick!
BRIDGET: You know what, that’s okay, I got an idea for this next one. Did you know there are actually a lot of examples where we use animals to describe economic or money things??
RYAN: Well I already know about loan sharks…
BRIDGET: Exactly! There are a ton of those. Those money guys can’t get enough of zoo animals, what can I say! Okay, how about this…Dougie, I’ll explain the animal related money idea, and you let us know if this example makes sense for how that animal REALLY behaves in real life. And Ryan,we’ll use our super calm sleepytime host voices for this. Sound good?
DOUGIE: You got it.
RYAN: I’m sure this will work and I’ll be out before the mid-episode sponsor break.
BRIDGET: That’s the spirit. Okay, let’s do it.
MUSIC STING: FUN GAME SHOW VIBE
BRIDGET: We’ll begin with an easy and obvious one. Have you ever heard grown ups talk about a bull market or a bear market, when they’re talking about stocks? Let’s start with a bull market. When people get really excited to buy stock, they’re willing to pay more and more for stocks, we say the market goes “up” and that’s a bull market. You’re supposed to picture a bull fighting, [SFX BULL SNORTING] tossing its head and horns up! Just like those stock market prices.
DOUGIE: I’m not so sure about that…in real life, bulls are more likely to LOWER their head and then charge! [SFX BULL HOOVES] But only if provoked! That means, only if they’re bothered into fighting, otherwise, they’re just living their best bull lives.
BRIDGET: Hmm, okay, so that’s a miss on accuracy but just remember kids, if someone says a bull market, they mean the market is doing great! But bears, don’t forget bears. [BEARS ROAR] When it comes to the stock market, a “bear market” is when stock prices, as a whole, go down, because people aren’t excited about the future. It’s considered a bad thing. But the reason we’re talking about bears is because when bears fight, they swipe down with their paws.
DOUGIE: Interesting. When bears fight each other, they kind of wrestle around, so there could be swiping down, but also biting and growling. I really thought you were going to say it’s because bears hibernate in winter, and maybe when the stock market is down, it starts to feel kind of sleepy on Wall Street.
BRIDGET: Oh, I like that mental picture, Wall Street bears tucking in for a nap. Okay, I call that a draw.
[CATS HISSING]
BRIDGET: Are Miss Meow Meow and Skimbleshanks okay?
RYAN: Skimbleshanks just wanted to add that the bull and bear metaphors work best when you picture the bear and the bull fighting EACH OTHER.
DOUGIE: But Miss Meow Meow said that bulls and bears wouldn’t actually fight in real life.
BRIDGET: Okay, as long as they’re being polite to one another?
RYAN: (MIFFED) Yeah, our cats disagree and that’s fine. I mean, I think Skimbleshanks is right, but no need to relitigate it.
BRIDGET: Next one…oh, this is a good one. Unicorns. [SFX HORSE AND MAGICAL STING] That’s Wall Street speak for a business that has three characteristics.
DOUGIE: Remember, slow and steady voicing, Bridget!
BRIDGET: Oh, right. Ahem. It’s a business that doesn’t sell shares, it’s not public. It’s a start up, so it’s a new business idea that doesn’t really already exist. And finally, it’s worth MORE than a BILLION dollars.
RYAN: A billion dollars! If I had a billion dollars, you could call me a unicycle and I wouldn’t care.
BRIDGET: You’re supposed to be falling asleep!
RYAN: I’m resting my eyes! See! They’re closed!
BRIDGET: You’re sitting up!
RYAN: I sleep like this sometimes! Like a horse!
BRIDGET: Anyway, that combination, private, start up, worth more than a billion, is supposed to be pretty rare, so, in the business world that’s a unicorn.
DOUGIE: Unicorns, yeah, that’s a good one. Well I think, if someone discovered a unicorn in real life, you could probably find someone to pay a billion dollars for it. So I guess that one checks out.
VO ON SPEAKER: Alright campers, lights out in ten minutes! Tomorrow is a big day!
BRIDGET: GASP Oh no, Ryan, are you asleep yet?
RYAN: Ughh, no, I’m wide awake! There’s no way I’m going to fall asleep in ten minutes! Unless we can stream Nightline in here, stat!
BRIDGET: Okay, give me like, 90 seconds to put something together, I’ve got another idea. We’ll be right back, after this.
–MIDROLL–
SFX/MUX: Million Bazillion Theme Sting
RYAN: Welcome back to Million Bazillion where this evening, we’re at PoHoFoYo, that’s the Podcast Hosts for Youths- Sleepaway Camp, in the middle of a crossover episode with Dougie Pickles and Miss Meow Meow of the calming bedtime show, Cozy Critters. So we’re combining money questions with animal questions, and it’s going ok so far, but also, it’s lights out in…eight minutes, and I’ve been promised some help falling asleep. But I’m not sleepy! ! Not even one little bit! Bridget? Dougie? What do you have for me?
BRIDGET: Let’s wrap up this money bunny episode and get you to sleep, Ryan! I cannot resist sharing this question, like it’s perfect for this episode::
RYLEN: HI MY NAME IS RYLEN FROM BEND OREGON AND MY QUESTION IS: WHAT’S MORE EXPENSIVE TO FEED, a TIGER OR AN ELEPHANT
BRIDGET: [QUICKLY] I love this, it’s the perfect set up for a quick lesson on how we find out what things cost and plan out a budget with that information. A budget is just a plan for your money.
CATS HISSING
RYAN: Skimbleshanks thinks Tigers are going to cost more to feed!
CATS HISSING
DOUGIE: Oh, and Miss Meow Meow disagrees! She says elephants!
RYAN: Let’s keep things civil here!s! Let’s not play directly into the stereotypes of cats!
DOUGIE: Sorry, Miss Meow Meow gets quite animated when it comes to animal debates.
RYAN: Well Skimbleshanks is always Team Feline, no matter how small or large!
SFX: MEOWING AND HISSING CONTINUES
BRIDGET: Everyone, let’s take a step back here!
RYAN: Yes, calm down, even though Miss Meow Meow is making it difficult.
BRIDGET: Gentlemen, please! Separate your cats! We have a question to answer! Dougie, what do Tigers eat?
DOUGIE: Well Bridget, while there are six living types or species of tigers in the world, They all eat raw meat.
RYAN: Not a vegetarian among them, huh? Not even one that tried it in college for a few years and gave up?
DOUGIE: You’d think, but not that I’m aware of. In the wild, that raw meat would be something the tigers hunted, like a deer. So even though a tiger might only hunt once a week, they can eat up to 75 pounds of meat in one night.
RYAN: Whoa, almost as much as humans at a cruise ship buffet!
BRIDGET: What about when they’re not in the wild, when the tigers live in a zoo?
DOUGIE: Then the zoo might give those tigers closer to 10 pounds of raw meat each day as their meal. That’s because they don’t have to work so hard for their meals. Hunting takes a lot of energy, which requires more food. In the zoo, they don’t need to hunt, so they can eat much less and be happy and healthy. Oh, and a fun fact, In short bursts, the adults can run up to 40 miles per hour!
RYAN: That would give my Mitsubishi Mirage a run for its money!
BRIDGET: Ryan, less talking, more dozing! Okay so…now that we know more about our tiger, we can figure out a budget for what to feed it. That’s raw meat, right Dougie?
DOUGIE: yep, uncooked meat! Don’t try this at home, listeners.
BRIDGET: Okay so the average price of raw ground beef right now is $5.98.
RYAN: YAWN [SLEEPILY] five ninty eight, wait [WAKES UP] Bridget, how do you know all that?
BRIDGET: Oh, there are people in the government who keep track of all these numbers for us. Where was I? Dougie says a tiger needs 75 pounds of meat a week. So let’s multiple that by the cost of one pound of raw ground beef. 75 times $5.98, and that comes down to $448.50! For one week! Wow!
RYAN: Skimbleshanks, it’s looking pretty good for you!
BRIDGET: But wait, we gotta do elephants now. Dougie, hit me with those elephant facts!
(SFX: TUBA MUSIC)
DOUGIE: Elephants are the largest living land animals and there are three different species of them. In the wild, they eat greens like plants and grasses. Though some species will eat trees, especially when grass is hard to find.
RYAN: Oh we’ve all been there, honey.
DOUGIE: It’s maybe not too surprising that such a BIG animal would have a BIG appetite. Your typical elephant will eat 330 pounds of plant matter a day.
BRIDGET: Okay so…let’s do the math here. Let’s say we’re feeding the elephant with…uh, romaine lettuce we bought at the grocery store. That romaine lettuce is probably going to cost about 2.99 a pound–
RYAN: Ahem, but we know that if we buy ORGANIC romaine lettuce, it might cost more, per our episode about organic farming, season 8, episode 6!
BRIDGET: Right right…but this is just regular lettuce so 330 pounds of romaine lettuce at $2.99 a pound, that comes out to $987.70, just for one day! But we need to do that every day for week, that gets you to t $6,906.90 to feed an elephant, just from items you could buy at the grocery store! Ryan, are you feeling tired yet?
RYAN: [EXASPERATED] No! I’m still awake AND I want us to buy a tiger! Based on the figures you’ve just run, it’s actually a smart financial move over buying an elephant!! We can name her Tilly and we’ll call her Tilly, The Milly Bazilly Tiger! Wait no, the Milly Bazilly Tiger Tilly!
BRIDGET: Wait, no, that’s not the conclusion you were supposed to draw from this!
RYAN: Okay well what conclusion was I supposed to draw from this then?
BRIDGET: Well first, doing math for these two different scenarios, owning a tiger or owning an elephant, is kinda fun. Like you can imagine your life in the future! And what we just did there is pretty simple, just budgeting out the cost to feed a pet to see if it makes sense for us. Which also allowed us to figure out that the cost to even just FEED a tiger or an elephant would be extraordinarily high! Ugh, I should probably go back and do that again my sleepytime podcast voice but yeah, we should definitely not try to get either of those animals, we can’t afford it!
RYAN: I’ll stick to Skimbleshanks then, thank you.
DOUGIE: Yeah, that sounds a little more practical for me too, isn’t that right, Miss Meow Meow?
SFX: Meow from Miss Meow Meow
(SFX: CATS HISSING)
BRIDGET: ooh, are they fighting again?
RYAN: No, it sounds like they’ve made up. Skimbleshanks is giving Miss Meow Meow his recipe for cat cookies, I make them for him on special occasions like his birthday and his one quarter, half, and three quarters birthdays.
BRIDGET: Oh. So Ryan, now are you feeling sleepy?
RYAN: No, not at all! I could take the SAT right now. In fact, I should take the SAT and get a better score and get my life on a better path!
DOUGIE: I have one last idea…but I’ll need a moment to get ready.
BRIDGET: In that case, let’s cut to a break!
–MUSICAL BREAK OR KID INTERSTITIAL…PEPPER: WOULD YOU RATHER LET A PENGUIN PLAN YOUR VACATION OR TAKE SINGING LESSONS FROM A HUMPBACK WHALE?
BRIDGET: Welcome back. We’re still trying to get Ryan to sleep, but he seems wide awake –
RYAN: [OFF MIC] Look, I used all the extra poles left over from my tent to make a podcasting tipi. Its acoustics are terrible!
DOUGIE: I’ve got one last idea for getting Ryan to sleep.
BRIDGET: We’ll try anything!
DOUGIE: Sometimes on Cozy Critters, I make these soundscapes, kind of like an audio picture of what animals sound like in the wild. Here’s one that hasn’t quite worked for my show…but maybe it’s just what Ryan needs:
(SFX: BUNNIES SCREAMING)
DOUGIE: I call it, unexpected screams.
BRIDGET: [SHOUTING] THIS IS TERRIBLE!
MIX OF DONKIES, GOATS, BUNNIES SCREAMING.
RYAN: [SLEEPILY] Oh, what is this cacophony?
DOUGIE: It’s a mix of animals screaming or otherwise making unusual noises. There’s a bunny screaming, a goat screaming, a crow screaming, and a donkey braying.
BRIDGET: Who would ever choose to listen to this?? This is making me wish I didn’t have ears! Ryan, this can’t possibly be helping you!
[BEAT]
BRIDGET: Ryan?
RYAN: [LIGHT SNORING]
BRIDGET: Oh my gosh, Ryan’s asleep! [WHISPERING] Okay everyone…let’s slowly back out of Ryan’s tent and let him sleep.
SFX TENT ZIPPER CLOSING
BRIDGET: And Dougie, Miss Meow Meow thank you so much for your help!
DOUGIE: It was my pleasure, Bridget. It’s not every day we get to learn more about cleaner wrasse, tigers, and elephants all in one action-packed episode. Hope you’re able to sleep well tonight too! Especially after those weird animal noises.
BRIDGET: Thanks! [YAWN] Yeah, I’m ready. I’ll just close out this episode and get some shut eye too, big day tomorrow! Alright listeners, today we learned…some really cool things about animals, and we learned some not so random things about money. On this show, we can find a money angle for just about any topic! So if you’ve got a question you want us to answer, send it our way to our website, marketplace.org/million. And I know Ryan’s going to be really well rested and we’ll be ready to answer it.
Night night!
(SFX: SILENT BEAT)
(SFX: SLEEPING BAG TOSSING AND TURNING)
BRIDGET: Well, now I can’t sleep!
-MILLION BAZILLION THEME-
CREDITS
–MB Theme Music–
RYAN: That’s all for this episode of Million Bazillion! Thanks for listening! If you have questions or episode ideas, send them to us at Marketplace dot org slash million.
BRIDGET: While you’re at our website, sign up for our super helpful newsletter so you can get new episodes as they’re released AND extra tips for getting the kids in your life smarter about money.
RYAN: Speaking of which, special thanks to Doug Fraser, who you also know as, Dougie Pickles of Cozy Critters for his animal insights and great ideas for this episode!
BRIDGET: Million Bazillion is produced by Marketplace from American Public Media. This episode was written and hosted by me, Bridget Bodnar, and Ryan Perez.
RYAN: Our senior producer is Marissa Cabrera. Our editor is Jasmine Romero.
BRIDGET: Flora Warshaw helped produce this episode.
It was sound designed by Brendan Dalton.
And mixed by Derek Ramirez.
Our theme music was created by Wonderly.
RYAN We had additional voicing in this episode from Marissa Cabrera.
BRIDGET: And special thanks to Francesca Levy.
RYAN: Bridget Bodnar is the Director of Podcasts at Marketplace.
Joanne Griffith is the Chief Content Officer
Neal Scarbrough is the VP and General Manager.
BRIDGET: Million Bazillion is funded in part by the Sy Syms Foundation, partnering with organizations and people working for a better and more just future since 1985. And special thanks to The Ranzetta Family Charitable Fund and Next Gen Personal Finance for providing the start-up funding for this podcast, and continuing to support Marketplace in our work to make younger audiences smarter about the economy.
RYAN: If Million Bazillion is helping your family have important conversations about money, consider making a one-time donation today at marketplace-dot-org-slash-givemillion, and thanks for your support.