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Scientist Amanda Nguyen has opened up about the toll taken on her mental health in the months since she embarked on the controversial Blue Origin mission.
The historic all-female spaceflight, which included Nguyen alongside celebrities like Katy Perry, Lauren Sánchez Bezos, and Gayle King, sparked global backlash over the Jeff Bezos-funded endeavor’s cost and publicity. For Nguyen, a 34-year-old civil rights activist, the criticism led to an emotional crisis.
“When Gayle called to check in on my in the aftermath of the spaceflight, I told her my depression might last for years,” Nguyen wrote in a statement shared Sunday to Instagram. “Another dream turned into a nightmare.
“Everything I had worked for – as a scientist, my women’s health research, the years I had trained for this moment, the experiments I operated in space, the history that was being made as the first Vietnamese woman astronaut, on the 50th anniversary of the US-Vietnam war, as the child of boat refugees, the promise I kept to my survivor self – that dreams are worth fighting for, especially when we’ve deferred them to fight for rights – were buried under an avalanche of misogyny,” she continued.
Nguyen said the negative reactions and media coverage were “an onslaught no human brain has evolved to endure.”
Scientist Amanda Nguyen has opened up about her mental health struggles since the Blue Origin spaceflight in April (Getty Images for TIME)
“I felt like collateral damage, my moment of justice mutilated,” she wrote. “I did not leave Texas for a week, unable to get out of bed. A month later, when a senior staff at Blue Origin called me, I had to hang up on him because I could not speak through my tears.”
Nguyen said despite the backlash, the six-woman mission had some positive consequences, including raising awareness for her breast cancer research and becoming the first Vietnamese woman and first Southeast Asian woman in space.
“My goal of science as a tool for diplomacy was achieved. There has been overwhelming good that has come out of this,” she said.
The 2019 Nobel Peace Prize Nominee said that in the eight months since the 11-minute trip to space, she has climbed her way out of the depression that the spaceflight brought on.
“I’m glad that the fog of grief has started to lift,” Nguyen said. “When the days have been bad, I have held on to every kind of interaction you’ve shown me.”
Nguyen, who has openly spoken about her experience as a survivor of sexual assault, said that she relied on her strength to persevere and recognize the support alongside the hate.
“Even through the tsunami of harassment, I was able to tell my survivor self ‘I kept my promise.’ I was able to tell her that millions of strangers have kindness and discernment. Thank you for protecting her. It has been the biggest grace to feel that support.”
If you are based in the USA, and you or someone you know needs mental health assistance right now, call or text 988, or visit 988lifeline.org to access online chat from the 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline. This is a free, confidential crisis hotline that is available to everyone 24 hours a day, seven days a week. If you are in another country, you can go to www.befrienders.org to find a helpline near you.