Question

I have a 15-year-old daughter who lives with her mum since we separated seven years ago. In the last year she has been reluctant to come to stay with me. The routine was for her to come and stay every second weekend. This coincides with me moving into an apartment with my new partner which we chose because it is a lot nearer to my daughter. My daughter has known my partner for five years and they seem to get on well. My daughter says she is not comfortable staying and prefers to be in her “own bed”. I have not made a big deal of this and just drive her back after visits.

Also, I used to take her to GAA training and her matches every week. Now she has dropped out of this (after a lot of conflict trying to get her to go). This means that she has less contact with me. I try to stay in touch with her by text, but she rarely gets back to me. When I ring her on the phone I get one-word answers – she says she isn’t a “phone person”. I am not sure what to do – it feels like everything has changed.

Also I have tried talking to her mum about all of this but she says there is nothing she can do. She says she has just become a teenager. Reading between the lines, I think she is struggling with her as well. Last weekend, when I was trying to get her to stay a bit longer in the apartment to watch a movie, she exploded and said she just wanted to got back to her “real home”. This did hurt a bit.

Should I just back off and give her a bit of space? Or is there something else I should do.

Answer

Many parents experience conflict with their young teenagers as they go through the normal process of becoming independent and working out their own views and identity. This can be a difficult time for parents who might experience their teenager as withdrawing from them and being “rude” and “demanding”. During these times, the goal as parent is to stay involved and connected with your teenager. Though it might feel like they are pushing you away, they still desperately need you to stay involved. The key is to adjust your relationship to more of an adult one and find new ways of relating to them. This is not easy for most parents and especially when you are a separated parent living away from your teenager.

In considering how best to stay connected to your daughter the first step is to “tune in” to what specifically going on for her. For example, she might be finding it difficult to “fit in” with you and your partner in the new apartment. As a teenager, some of original feelings about the separation might come to fore and she might re-experience a divided loyalty between you and her mother. She could also simply be finding the change of routine at the weekend difficult and needs the comfort of having one place to stay.

It is unfortunate that you no longer have the shared activity of going to the GAA training and matches together, as this can be a source of shared connection for many. As she has moved on from this it is worth exploring what other regular activities could you get involved in with her. What other passions and interests does she have that you could support her with (either engaging in these directly with her or simply supporting her by driving there etc)? Many teenagers connect with their parents on routine drives to and from activities. In addition, think carefully about when is the best time to text or talk to her.

When is she most likely to talk to you?

When does she seek you out or look for attention from you?

[ ‘I’m struggling to manage my nine-year-old son’s angry outbursts’Opens in new window ]

Sometimes creative solutions can help. One father I worked with included his daughter’s best friend in some of their trips out. His daughter was much more relaxed and chatty with the friend present and she opened up a bit more to her father after they drove the friend home.

It could also be useful to check in with your daughter as to how she might be feeling about the living arrangements and the separation, especially now that she is a teenager. When you have a good moment you might say something like “I am aware that it is now seven years since your mum and I separated and I was wondering how you are feeling about this?“ Or ”I know there has been a few changes over the last year with living arrangements and was wondering if this is working for you?” Even if she shrugs off the question or does not answer you can say “well I am here to support you if you ever want to talk, or if there is anything you need”.

It is also worth taking time to talk through the issues with her mother. Arrange a time to talk that suits you both and think together about what might be going on for your daughter and how you can both help her. If her mother is also struggling, she might appreciate some extra support from you too.

If communication is difficult you could go to mediation or family counsellor to get help to talk things through and arrange a plan.

  • John Sharry is clinical director of the Parents Plus Charity and an adjunct professor at the UCD School of Psychology. He is author of several parenting books, including Parenting when Separated – Helping your Children Cope and Thrive and is delivering an online workshop on February 24th, 2026. See solutiontalk.ie