Our advice columnists have heard it all over the years—so we’re diving into the Dear Prudence archives to share classic letters with our readers. Submit your own questions to Prudie here.

Dear Prudence,

I recently reviewed my credit report and was alarmed.

I found several high-balance, delinquent credit card accounts I hadn’t opened. I’m certain they were opened by my mother. She has never been financially responsible. When my father died she had to get a job and has always resented it. She spends profligately in order to “feel rich.” When I was growing up, we often lacked for necessities while she bought new cars and pricey clothes. Because she raised me alone I’ve always felt very protective of her. She and my stepfather have now fallen on hard times, and at her request I drained my life savings to help pay her mortgage. She claimed she would repay me, but hasn’t. I have barely enough to put gas in my car, but I felt that she would do the same for me. Now, seeing that she’s been ruining my credit for years, I feel betrayed and furious. I struggled to put myself through school and get where I am today. I love my mother but I need my identity, and money, back. To sue her would ruin her. I don’t even know how to bring the subject up, and I’m sure she would deny everything. How do I call her out and start undoing the damage?

—Disgusted Devoted Daughter

Dear Daughter,

Your mother made a lifetime choice not to deal realistically with her material desires, and now you are supposed to pay for her profligacy. She neglected your basic needs as a child while she indulged herself. Somehow you came out of this with the wherewithal to pay your own way, and even put something aside. Those savings are now gone because of her. It’s harsh to say your mother should start living with the consequences of her mistakes, particularly since they might be criminal. But it’s equally harsh to ruin the financial future of your child. I talked to Daniel Blinn, a Connecticut consumer-law attorney who has handled cases involving identity theft by family members. He points out you don’t actually know if your mother is the perpetrator and says you’re not legally required to reveal your suspicions to the credit agencies. But he says you must start taking steps to clear your record. You should get your reports from the three major credit reporting bureaus (order them free at AnnualCreditReport.com), then notify them in writing that your file contains fraudulent credit card accounts. He says it would also be a good idea if you inform the creditors you did not request their cards. (And since you’ve never received a statement, it’s probably no mystery where the bills are going.) Doing all the appropriate paperwork may be enough to clear your report. But if not, you need an attorney—look for one on the website of the National Association of Consumer Advocates. Blinn says whether your mother is identified as the culprit, if that’s what she is, depends on how aggressively the creditors investigate this. He generally recommends fraud victims file a police report, but doing so could help point the finger at your mother, and whether to take that step is your choice. I will add that for your own sanity and security, completely cut her off financially. You say you believe that she would bail you out if you fell on hard times. But she wouldn’t, because your hard times are here, and she caused them.

—Emily Yoffe

From: My Mother the Identity Thief. (Sept. 13, 2012).

Dear Prudence,

My fiancé and I got engaged a few months back. A few months prior to that, his sister had announced her pregnancy. We felt it was a respectful length of time and announced our engagement. She was immediately seeing red and started being passive-aggressive to me. The problem? Our wedding is four months after her child’s birth, and she feels like it should be at least a year later. My fiancé seems swayed by her argument. I’ve told him that even though she will be traveling for the wedding, there isn’t much difference between traveling with a 4-month-old or a 1-year-old child. His sister is also already talking about having her second and third child soon. I asked him if we’re expected to wait five years until all of her bundles are grown up before we can get married. I think she’s just jealous because she feels her thunder has been stolen. She was the only girl growing up, and a spoiled one at that. I don’t talk about the wedding in front of any of his family and try to keep all conversations focused on her to placate her. Am I wrong not to bow down and to keep our April wedding?

—Sister-in-Law Wants Us To Postpone Our Wedding

Dear Wedding,

How derelict you have been. Of course you should cancel your wedding plans—your fiancé’s sister might still be breast-feeding! It’s so insensitive of you to think someone should get married under those circumstances. After her baby is born, ask immediately for your future sister-in-law to create an online spread sheet showing her fertile days and the times she has intercourse. That way you can anticipate her reproductive schedule and plan your nuptials accordingly.

Alternatively, unless your fiancé finds the wherewithal to stand up to his crazy sister, you might want to reconsider whether she should become your never-to-be-sister-in-law. “Respectful length of time” to announce your engagement? Someone needs to clue in the sister that she doesn’t have some lock on good news and other people’s lives go on irrespective of her milestones. Stop placating this idiot (again, another poor child with a whacked-out mother) and tell your fiancé her behavior and demands are out-of-line and you aren’t going to play along anymore.

—E. Y.

From: A Very Long Engagement? (Oct. 23, 2012).

Dear Prudence,

I was recently on an adult website and clicked on an amateur home video. I recognized the performers as my supervisor with her husband. I am hoping they both willingly put it online, but knowing how fiercely private she is, I doubt it. I know she had her personal laptop stolen a couple of years ago when a thief broke into her car and my guess is that he/she got a hold of this. The footage is grainy but someone who knows her well would instantly recognize her face (and the rest of her, I suppose). I feel compelled to alert her, but how? My supervisor is not the most rational person and I fear she might fire me because of the embarrassment and awkwardness. I thought of leaving an anonymous note but it seems cruel, because she’d be forever wondering which one of her co-workers, friends, neighbors, fellow parent at her child’s school, etc. saw the clip. Should I tell her?

—Awkward Encounter

Dear Awkward,

  1. My Kids Don’t Have Cousins. And Now I Have Some Terrible News for Them.

  2. I Walked In On My Colleague Doing Something Vulgar to a Piece of Art. I Could End Him, but I’m Not So Sure I Should.

Seeing your “fiercely private” and “not the most rational” supervisor getting it on with her husband (thank goodness) on an amateur porn site is one of those things you can either find titillating or repulsive. But after you see it, then down the memory hole it should go. It may be that you are the only person who knows your boss who ever stumbles on this grainy video. If you’re not, then leave it up to the next person in her life to alert her. And you’re right, an anonymous note would be cruel and leave her wondering every time she had a conversation about the weather whether the person was actually thinking, “I’ve seen you naked!”

—E. Y.

From: I Was Once a Bully. (Oct. 29, 2012).

Classic Prudie

I’m about to travel to my best friend’s wedding. It’s going to be a small ceremony with about 20 guests, and I will be the maid of honor. The bride’s mother, “Amy,” passed away a year and a half ago. Amy always treated me like her daughter, and I feel as though I should acknowledge her during my toast, particularly since Amy’s wishes are the only reason my dear friend is having a “real” wedding and not eloping. At the same time, I don’t want to cast a pall over the day or make the bride’s father (and his new girlfriend!) feel uncomfortable. Is there any way I can tactfully give Amy her due during my toast, or should I avoid the subject entirely?

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