While it seemed like the 29-room castle that the women are staying at meant that we’d make it through a cast trip without room drama, I may have spoken too soon. “I feel like you’re looking at me, like, upset. You actually picked your room, but like you’re literally giving that face of, like, you’re pissed,” we see Alicia say at the beginning of this week’s episode. Then the camera jump cuts to reveal that she’s talking to one of her dolls.
After a brief scene in which Kelsey tries to have a full conversation while brushing her teeth, the women all convene at breakfast, where Alicia is going to town on the yogurt that she says she “dreamt of” the night before. “This is the best yogurt I ever had in my life, I could actually cry,” she says, making history as the first person to ever say that about yogurt. Meanwhile, Rosie spent the night throwing up, which Ashley didn’t hear because she was more focused on whether or not she was hearing ghosts — saying that she heard giggling at 3 a.m. If I were a ghost, I too would haunt a Real Housewives cast trip, so I totally believe them. This conversation also leads to a beautiful confessional in which we discover that Alicia is physically unable to say the word “ghosts” in the plural, no matter how many times she is reminded that there’s an ‘S’ at the end.
When the conversation turns to the spat between Rosie and Kelsey from the night before, something incredible happens. Ashley starts crying (as we know she is wont to do) on Rosie’s behalf. She’s literally like the character in Mean Girls who cries at the assembly even though she “doesn’t even go here.” It’s so perplexing that Jo-Ellen can’t help but make direct eye contact with the camera, and in that moment, I felt myself bonding with her through the screen over our shared confusion.
And speaking of bonding with Jo-Ellen, she and Alicia go into town for a little outing where they dig a bit deeper into each of their respective childhood traumas. Having grown up around Jo-Ellen’s family, Alicia was surprised to hear the details of her childhood issues. Sure, she remembered the various instances of Jo-Ellen and her sister disappearing here and there, but it wasn’t something that the community lingered on. As it turns out, those absences were pretty dark. Jo-Ellen’s mother was sending her away to a program primarily for juvenile criminals — though the only problem her mother had with her was that she “had big boobs and boys liked [her]”. It was only when the state tried to take full custody of her that her mother took her back, which, as you can imagine, has had a lasting impact on her.
While we don’t go quite as deep on Alicia’s trauma, she does mention that perhaps the reason for her never-ending engagement is that she doesn’t have a father to walk her down the aisle. And now that she and Jo-Ellen each have kids of their own, they especially can’t fathom ever doing to their children what their parents did to them. It’s a beautiful, tearful bonding moment that I’m glad the ghosts weren’t able to interrupt.
Meanwhile, Rulla tries to explain her absence. Apparently, she’s sick, which the always observant Jo-Ellen points out has become a bit of a pattern. But during a scene where Brian delivers her breakfast in bed while she’s in full glam performing illness, Rulla details the symptoms she’s been plagued with.
Her head was pounding, she couldn’t speak, she couldn’t walk, and she ended up “in the emergency room and had to be taken by rescue.” What is rescue? A special Rhode Island operation that stands by in case Rulla doesn’t want to talk about her husband’s affair? Perhaps. After MRIs and bloodwork, the doctors remained befuddled, apparently speculating that maybe it’s one of those famous viruses that’s impossible to categorize. Maybe it’s called Doesn’t-Want-To-Film-itis?
Back at the castle, the younger gals and Liz hit the inflatable water slide that’s been set up on the lawn. But when the young butler Boris joins in, taking off his shirt to reveal something worth seeing, Liz vacates. It’s the first time in the series that the age difference between some of the cast is felt. Liz is 56, and says it feels weird being on a slip-and-slide, flirting with a 23-year-old with the other, less-mature women. Normally, significant age gaps among a cast can feel inauthentic for this very reason, but luckily Rhode Island’s ties go deep enough to pull it off.
Later, when they get on the boat for an afternoon outing, there’s another detractor. Ashley quickly vacates the boat by way of dinghy after getting a call that her son, who’s sick, is being taken to the ER. She cries, yet again, but this time it’s, of course, warranted. But she’s not the only one upset.
“Do you know what I’m really upset about, though?” Alicia asks. “The crackahs are all the way over there, and everyone knows how much I love them.” Alicia’s deep and true love for “crackahs” is something I am so deeply obsessed with. Especially because of how organic and real it is. On a more established show, the constant mention might feel like a schtick for the cameras — like she’s trying to force a catchphrase to happen or snag a brand deal. But since this is a first season, she has no knowledge at this point that the audience has clung onto this and that “crackahs” has become a thing. She’s doing it just for pure love of the game.
Somehow the conversation takes a turn, and Kelsey casually mentions in passing that she was under the impression that Jo-Ellen had a threesome with her ex on a boat. “No, I didn’t. That was on land, not on a boat,” Jo Ellen clarifies via confessional. A legend. We found out that she also apparently dated Kelsey’s ex’s brother as well. As for which was better in bed? Jo-Ellen says to ask Kelsey. What a web we weave.
The episode concludes with a taste of pure cinema. Standing on the terrace of the castle, lit by gorgeous candlelight, Jo-Ellen grapples with a text she had just received. Remember when Rulla said she welcomed any cold, hard evidence of her husband’s affair? Welp. That’s exactly what Jo-Ellen got her hands on. It took RHONY eight seasons to get a scene like this, but here we are already, and now she and Liz have to figure out how to handle this. First things first, they show the video to the entire group. Is that the smartest move? Probably not. Did it have to be done? Absolutely.
Rosie gasps so loudly that I’m shocked there’s any oxygen left in the room. The video, which apparently shows Brian and the other woman entangled in an extensive embrace, was taken just two days before the polo match heard round the world. There’s kissing, hugging, ass caressing, and even the famed red interior of Brian’s car. But who will be the one to take this to Rulla? Liz thinks the news will just be old hat if it comes from her; meanwhile, Rulla won’t be receptive to anything coming from Jo-Ellen, so it’s one big game of ‘Not It’ where all eyes ultimately turn to Alicia.
I do think that would be the funniest messenger for sure. After all, she got so nervous just asking Liz about her rumored affair that the note she wrote for that game wasn’t even a coherent sentence — so I can only imagine what it’ll be like watching her try to broach this topic with Rulla over pizza chips. But will Rulla be receptive or just come up with another excuse? The only way to find out is to convince her to film with her cast in the first place.
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