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Dear Prudence,
My partner and I have done well with saving and have $20 million evenly split between us. We maintain separate finances (my choice). I semi-retired last year and am enjoying life—doing a bit of consultancy work to keep me busy. He is still working a very high-stress job, but doesn’t want to stop working. He is very frugal, as am I, but he is obsessed with “not having enough money for retirement.”
We are both in our late 50s. The house is paid off. We have no debt at all. He doesn’t spend money on anything except for house repairs and essentials. How can I get him to understand that we have more than enough and we should be enjoying life? I come from extreme poverty. He was raised very comfortably in the upper middle class.
—When Is Enough Enough?
Dear Enough,
Excuse me, did you say $20 million? And did you say partner, not husband? You say you’re enjoying life, but do I also hear an inkling that he’s holding you back? I don’t care whether you end the relationship or not, but you can’t let him keep you from having the time of your life.
Call up one or two of your closest friends. Make a list of places in the world you’d like to visit. Buy a new wardrobe for the trip—and go. Leave your partner a list of things to repair around the house if he has time, and tell him you’ll see him later. When you come back, and he wants to go collect the leftover pizza someone is giving away on NextDoor for dinner and watch something on a streaming service with commercials because he won’t pay for premium, maybe you’ll have missed him a bit as well after scratching your own itch for adventure, and his approach to work and life won’t seem as bad.
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Dear Prudence,
I grew up with parents who fought all the time, but kept assuring me that everything was OK and this was normal for families—until it wasn’t, and they got divorced. We’ve all been really intentional about communicating our feelings since then, and I can definitely say that we’re in a much healthier place than we were. Case in point, my mom has gained a really wonderful, new husband. The two of them only fight rarely, and when they do disagree, they do everything right: communicating, taking time to cool off, speaking privately, and not taking their feelings out on me, and mutually affirming how much they love and respect each other, no matter what.
Right now, the problem is me. I’m a young adult, but whenever I’m home, it still stresses me the hell out whenever voices get raised. Even though I logically know that things are better and are being handled appropriately, I can’t shake the feeling of being a 5-year-old waiting in my room, wondering if I did something wrong.
To be fair, they know I’m affected and make sure to check on me and let me know they’re OK. But I’m torn between wanting to be open about these feelings and wanting to be able to maturely handle them on my own. It’s a bit embarrassing to be a stress crier as an adult, and it shouldn’t be their responsibility to comfort me when THEY’RE having a problem, right? It’s not like I can just ask them to never disagree. So how do I respond to these feelings independently? Is there a way I can acknowledge “Yeah, I’m going through something” to them without making it all about me?
—Can’t Help Overhearing
Dear Can’t Help Overhearing,
Sounds to me like you have nothing to be embarrassed about, as your mom and stepdad are really understanding. When they check in with you after a disagreement, you could say something like, “Thanks, I admit I did get a little upset, but I’m pretty sure it has to do with the way I felt about hearing a lot of fighting when I was a little kid. I know you two are fine and have a healthy relationship.” Maybe saying it out loud could help convince you.
If you don’t believe yourself and there is a little 5-year-old voice in your head saying, “But what if they get divorced just like mom and dad did?” you could go through the exercise of thinking about that worst-case scenario and how it would feel to you. I’m sure you’d be sad for your mom and disappointed, but you live on your own now, so your life wouldn’t be derailed. I imagine you’re not extremely attached to your stepdad, as much as you think he’s a good guy. If you would be really torn up, you can make a plan. Will you see a therapist (it goes without saying that it wouldn’t hurt to see one about this, regardless!)? Plan a getaway with your mom? Write about it? Perhaps telling yourself that a split really might happen (it’s true, it might!) could make you realize that while it wouldn’t feel great to any of you, the feelings it would bring up are nothing to be terrified of.
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Dear Prudence,
My husband and I have a 26-year-old daughter, “Analise,” who recently announced her engagement to two men, “Jacob” and “Nathan.” I would be lying if I said I wasn’t initially taken aback, but I’ve met her future “husbands,” and they are both kind, lovely people. More importantly, Analise is very happy with them, so that’s enough for me.
My husband, however, is a much different story. He thinks what Analise is doing is “disgusting,” but that’s not the worst of it. We set aside $25,000 each for Analise and her younger sister to spend on their weddings when they get married. Now my husband says Analise can forget it. I don’t think it’s right to renege on a promised gift just because he doesn’t approve of her relationships. It has really turned into a sticking point between us. What can I do to convince my husband that he is being unfair to Analise?
—Trio Troubles
Dear Trio Troubles,
Assuming you both have access to your bank account, you could dole out the $25,000 to Analise, Jacob, and Nathan in the way you initially planned to, and your husband can have the burden of trying to convince you it was a mistake. As the person who wants to change the agreed-upon plan, he’s the one who should be scrambling to justify his position here. But of course, that’s the drastic option. The bargaining position you should start with is actually that the throuple should get one third more cash than your other child, because there are more people involved, and there will probably be more guests. Then you two can meet in the middle.
Jenée Desmond-Harris
My Girlfriend’s Post-Work Ritual Is Ruining My Life. And Maybe Hers, Too.
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When it comes to the broader question of his mindset about this relationship, it’s probably not worth your energy to try to convince him that it’s good for Analise to marry two men. If he’s already at “disgusting,” he’s probably not going to get to “celebratory.” But maybe you make the case to him that he needs to be strategic about getting what he wants. He obviously loves Analise. If he didn’t, he wouldn’t care who she married. And he clearly has a vision of a future that includes a relationship with her. If he didn’t, none of this would matter to him at all. So the main point for you to highlight is that this isn’t a choice between Analise having a traditional marriage and Analise being part of a triad. Your husband’s options are having a daughter whom he talks to and sees, or having a daughter who becomes estranged from him. Encourage him to keep his eye on the prize of not getting cut off and maintaining contact with her. Maybe, over time, he’ll embrace the fact that he’s gained two sons—and even appreciate it! Or at least not waste his energy hating it.
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Before we started going out, my husband was in a long-term relationship with a woman with a pretty unique name. They haven’t kept in touch. Now, I’m pregnant with our first child (a girl, due in the spring). He would like to name her the same thing as his ex…
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