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It’s never been easier to shop constantly — on your phone, at work, during your commute, lying in bed. Most of us are probably addicted to it, at least a little bit. But for some people, the urge tips into compulsion. That’s when they call Carrie Rattle, a financial therapist and founder of Behavioral Cents, a program to treat people with compulsive spending problems.
Most people associate shopping addictions with debt — and that’s certainly one byproduct, says Rattle. But many of her clients are wealthy enough that they can technically afford to shop all the time, which makes slowing down even harder. Here, Rattle explains the signs of compulsive shopping, what leads people to do it, and how she helps them stop.
Describe your clientele to me. What might a compulsive shopping problem look like?
I’ve had clients who hired organizers to come to their home every three months to get rid of all the excess — donate, declutter, throw stuff out. They might renovate their houses to add more closets and storage, or convert a bedroom into a closet to hold all their stuff. They also tend to have a shrinking world. When you’re shopping compulsively, you’re usually checked out. So when you’re spending all your time scrolling, you start separating yourself from your real life. When shopping is your coping mechanism, then you don’t have real support. If you’re triggered by something and you sit with the emotion and figure out, Okay, this person made me angry. How do I deal with our next interaction? That sets you up to deal with it better in the future. But if you simply turn to shopping, you avoid the problem. You might feel better, but the trigger was never dealt with. And over the years, you get even more anxious, because your problems are not resolved.
And, presumably, they’ve spent a lot of money.
One client I worked with was $4 million in debt from buying cars. Debt can definitely be one indicator of compulsive shopping. In that person’s case, they were able to get out of it. It took a while and lots of family goodwill. But I don’t want anyone to ever feel shame about this. People always think they’re the worst, and nobody is. I see a lot of people buying watches, designer handbags, limited-edition sneakers, and other luxury brands. The most common phrases I hear are “I’m a collector” and “It’s an investment.” Men in particular will refer to themselves as collectors. They buy things and use them once or not at all and put it on a shelf or lock it away in a safe. They got the high, but now they’re onto the next acquisition. With collectors, there’s also a culture around acquiring certain things. It gives people a sense of belonging, and the pursuit offers them an entry into a certain world. There’s collector groups on Facebook and Reddit who appreciate what you’ve bought and what it took for you to get it, and those become your people.
How did you develop this particular specialty, helping people with compulsive shopping problems?
I worked in finance for 35 years. I put myself through school working as a bank teller, and then I worked in financial services on Wall Street. So I saw how people made financial decisions with a lot of emotion, at every level. I wanted to be able to help people manage their emotions with money, so when I left Wall Street, I became a financial coach. And I started seeing a lot of compulsive shopping in my own clients. One of the first things these people would say to me is, “I’m a smart person. Why can’t I stop? Why can’t I fix myself?” So I became trained in financial therapy six years ago, with this specialty.
What typically brings a client to you? What’s the difference between someone who really enjoys shopping versus someone who does it compulsively?
It’s the lack of control and feelings of shame around what they’re doing. Some people do come to me because they’re in debt. But more than half of my clients have no debt; plenty of them can afford to shop the way they do. I have clients who are worth more than $100 million. So what’s the issue, right? It comes down to the fact that they want to stop this behavior, and they can’t. They see it in themselves, and it’s disturbing. They don’t want their kids to think that this kind of consumption is normal. Like, “Mom, you got another box.” Or sometimes it affects their marriage, because their partner is concerned that it’s out of control. Their financial adviser might be expressing concerns as well. There’s a ton of shame around this. People think, Well, I touch money every day. I should be able to know how to stop using it. They describe the urge as feeling like a tidal wave. They need to go into a store, or start browsing online, and they feel powerless.
Are there certain traits that compulsive shoppers tend to have?
They often have a greater self-discrepancy gap — the gap between how they see themselves versus how they want to be seen is wider for a compulsive shopper than for the average person. Quite often it has to do with low self-esteem and perfectionism. They want the perfect purse with the perfect shoes and pants, and nothing else will do. They also may have high anxiety, and shopping allows them to duck out and escape the world. And I’m finding more and more of my female clients are getting diagnosed with ADHD later in life. They’ve always wondered why they were impulsive, and now that they’re taking ADHD medication, it helps. Does it stop the compulsion? No. Does it help with executive functioning skills, which can help curb compulsion? Absolutely.
Are there any professions that seem to align with compulsive shopping?
I get a lot of people who work in finance. I also get a lot of psychiatrists and psychologists. They are so overworked and drained and they shop between seeing clients — just need a little bit of something. And obviously people who work in retail. They’re just so exposed to shopping that they want to be part of it. Often my clients have inherited wealth but were never taught how to manage it. Some of these ultra-high-net-worth people are just sitting at home, lonely and bored, because they’ve outsourced their lives. Their dogs are walked, their kids have a nanny and go to a private school with a driver and everything. So what do they do all day? Shopping becomes their entertainment. I should also mention that a lot of these people are not just shopping for themselves. They’re generous and buy a lot of gifts for other people or their children. They’re people pleasers and they love to find the perfect thing for someone they love. But they can learn to be generous in other ways, by volunteering or joining a board. That’s a better way to fill the need that they’ve been trying to fill by shopping — it helps them find a better sense of belonging.
What’s the process of helping people with compulsive shopping? Can they ever stop cold turkey?
A roller-coaster ride is absolutely natural. Usually, they’ll decrease for a while and then they’ll find a trigger they never knew they had and they’re off running for a couple of days of shopping. It’s a pendulum swing. They go back and forth until they find their middle ground where they have confidence in knowing that their decisions are not completely emotional. There’s some rational thinking. Ultimately, you want people to have a deeper satisfaction when they buy something, because they took the time to really think about it, how they want to install it in their lives. And every time they use it or wear it, they get that deep satisfaction of having made a good decision.
What are the steps you have your clients take when they come to see you?
There’s four main steps. The first step is helping them put a pause between the urge and the act. That helps break the pattern that’s been wired into their brain. There are a bunch of exercises that I have them do for that. Next, we want people to become more aware of what’s triggering them to shop. A lot of shopping behaviors are subconscious. One client of mine, he sat in his same chair after dinner, and as soon as he sat down, he picked up his phone and started browsing. So he had to stop sitting in the chair. I often have clients put their phone in a box when they get home instead of carrying it around. I also have everyone track their spending and assess it. For each expense, is it something they absolutely wanted, needed, or in between? And then we add it up and say, “Okay, what could you have done better with your money this month?” So the point is to make people more conscious.
Number three involves changing your habits and environment. I try to break this process down into very small steps. Like, unsubscribe from the brand emails you get — for some people, that strikes terror in their hearts. They’re used to waking up to 30 emails from different brands every morning, and they like to look at all of them. A lot of my clients are browsing online for 20 hours a week, and we need to find a way to change that. They might need to leave social media. Finally, the last and toughest step is figuring out how they can fill their needs with healthy alternatives. That’s a trial-and-error process. They need to test out what scratches the itch. If you volunteer and you don’t like it, quit and try something else. You need to get out and do things. But it does take a lot of work, especially in comparison to shopping, which is frictionless. Maybe you find that shopping filled some kind of creative urge — instead, you could take an art course. That requires signing up and going to the course. But ultimately, it leads to a healthier sense of accomplishment. They feel refreshed. They feel more energetic. They have clearer minds, less self-comparison.
How long does the process take?
Many of my clients work with me for five to six months, some a year. We go at their speed. And then after that we have check-ins. I offer office hours on Zoom, and people can talk to me privately or get support from other people who are struggling as well.
What if clients have friends who encourage their shopping?
A lot of clients have to break up with their personal shopper. They have salespeople who know their size and what they like and text them when there’s new things in the store. In one case, the salesperson would just load a bunch of stuff in her cart and say, “It’s all ready to go, just click ‘Buy.’” These might be perceived friendships because the people made you feel special. But if someone is talking you into buying a $5,000 bag, it’s not a friendship. For real friends you’re accustomed to shopping with, you might need to say, “Listen, I shop too much and I’m trying to stop. Why don’t we go to a museum instead?” Again, it takes effort.
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