Caregiver stress and burnout can show up in unexpected ways. Sometimes, it may lead to healthy coping strategies, such as exercising, spending time with friends or getting outdoors. But for many caregivers, the pressure of providing care can fuel habits that start small and gradually become excessive — an extra glass of wine at night, reaching for a favorite candy or comfort food, working longer hours to escape the demands of caregiving or turning to more and more shopping, cigarettes, marijuana or another habit for relief.
What starts as an occasional indulgence can quietly become a pattern, adding another layer of concern to an already stressful life. That risk is especially significant given that nearly two-thirds of caregivers report moderate or high emotional stress, according to a joint report from AARP and the National Alliance for Caregiving.
“Caregiving is the epitome of stress. Caregivers often realize they aren’t coping well, but they may not feel they have the energy to figure out productive coping mechanisms and instead turn to drinking or overeating because it satisfies their immediate strain,” says psychologist Deborah Derrickson Kossmann, author of Lost Found Kept.
For former Wisconsin governor Marty Schreiber, the demands of caregiving gradually led him to rely on two to three martinis a night as his wife, Elaine, lost her independence to Alzheimer’s disease. Schreiber, 87, author of the acclaimed memoir My Two Elaines, which chronicles the couple’s love story from high school to the governor’s mansion and, ultimately, to the memory care community in Milwaukee where Elaine died in 2022, turned to alcohol to escape the emotional strain of daily caregiving.
He often drank alone after Elaine went to bed, describing the numbness as a way to become temporarily oblivious to the reality of her disease. But the relief came at a cost. The alcohol disrupted his sleep, leaving him feeling worse and more irritable the next morning and less able to cope with the challenges of caregiving. That fueled a desire to drink again, creating what he described as a vicious cycle of alcohol, poor sleep, guilt and frustration. “I was harming my ability to be helpful to the person I loved because of my drinking,” admits Schreiber.
His four children eventually staged an intervention, warning him that if he didn’t change, he might die before their mom. The conversation was a wake-up call. He began counseling sessions that helped him give up drinking, and continued working with a professional counselor for several years. The experience helped him understand that asking for help wasn’t a sign of giving up but an act of courage. He also came to realize how much Elaine depended on him: “Caregivers are the lifeline to our loved one, and we’ve got to keep that lifeline strong.”
Marty Schreiber, author of My Two Elaines, says: “Caregivers are the lifeline to our loved ones, and we’ve got to keep that lifeline strong.”
Courtesy Marty Schreiber
Surround yourself with support
Susanne White began her caregiving journey sober, but caring for her mother, Claire, who had Alzheimer’s, tested White’s sobriety in ways she hadn’t anticipated. White, founder of Caregiver Warrior and author of Self-Care for Caregivers, understood that as someone in recovery who has a tendency to self-medicate, caregiving could put her in a particularly vulnerable position. The exhaustion, emotional depletion, stress, grief and desire to fix things for a loved one created a temptation to seek immediate relief. She acknowledges that she came close to falling off the wagon during her caregiving experience and, at times, struggled with the urge to use alcohol or other behaviors to numb difficult emotions.
White learned that the key to staying sober was recognizing the warning signs before they became overwhelming. She regularly asked herself four questions: whether she was hungry, angry, lonely or tired. She used those check-ins to determine what she actually needed. If she was exhausted, she would take a break; if she was lonely, she would reach out to a friend; if she was overwhelmed, she would slow down, breathe and talk to someone rather than try to anesthetize the feelings. “Self-awareness is what saved me,” she says.
Just as important was building a support network. White deliberately surrounded herself with people who understood caregiving and could support her without trying to fix her. She sought out caregiver support groups, connected with other caregivers through the Alzheimer’s Association and even struck up conversations with strangers while waiting in pharmacy lines.
She also found an unexpected refuge in horseback riding. While caring for her parents in southern New Jersey, she carved out 90 minutes each Sunday to ride at a nearby stable. The women she rode with were also caregivers, and she found that the time spent laughing, crying and simply being together gave her a much-needed respite. She called them the “caregiver cowgirls.”