The Celebrity Traitors
Such treachery! The sheer, shameless weaselling of it – blushing and giggling his way to victory when we all knew what a rotten double-crosser he was.
Never has the public taken a two-faced twister to their hearts, the way we have adopted Alan Carr as our favourite reprobate. A month ago he was chiefly known as the camp presenter of Interior Design Masters, a squeakier budget version of Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen.
Now he’s the ultimate wicked pantomime fairy. We thought he was a backstabber when he condemned his erstwhile pal Paloma Faith to become the first player evicted from the game – pretending to brush a hair off her face when in fact he was ‘murdering’ her with invisible poison.
But the heights of betrayal he has scaled since then have revealed a ruthlessness that even he probably didn’t imagine.
Never has the public taken a two-faced twister to their hearts, the way we have adopted Alan Carr as our favourite reprobate (pictured third left)
Celia Imrie, killed with a Shakespearean quote. Jonathan Ross, his fellow Traitor, jettisoned to save his own skin.
Over four seasons, including this Celebrity version, The Traitors has proved itself the most addictive format on television. And Alan (like ex-soldier Harry Clark in series two) embodies the reason why. The show is fuelled by malice, in an essentially harmless form, and we discover it in the most unlikely people.
If Alan Carr can be such an effective liar, will we ever be able to trust anyone again?
As the finale opened, it seemed certain that the Faithful were going to root out the snakes among them. For those tuning in for the first time – and the show has been steadily acquiring fans throughout its run – the format is deceptively simple: presenter Claudia Winkleman, in a variety of absurdly Gothic outfits, welcomes 19 players to her castle. Three are secretly assigned the role of Traitors. Their job has been to eliminate fellow players, night by night. The others, the Faithfuls, have to guess who the quislings are in their midst, and evict them. As Claudia says, it’s the ultimate murder-mystery.
The Faithfuls have had to dissemble as well – which fills viewers with the double anxiety that our nicest friends are faking affection too.
Actor Nick Mohammed had no sooner told the camera that he was convinced singer Cat Burns was a Traitor (which indeed she was) than he was greeting her with a fulsome smile over breakfast, as though he couldn’t be happier to see her.
The show has also made an unlikely star of former England rugby player Joe Marler. ‘My gut feeling is that Cat and Alan are Traitors. I’m coming for ya,’ he declared at the start of the finale. Best of all, Alan was convinced Joe had no suspicions.
This was the best episode yet. Even the team challenge, which earlier in the series could feel like a cheesy out-take from It’s A Knockout, took on an added urgency – not just because they were playing to win up to £20,000 for their chosen charities, but because all of them were constantly scrutinising each other for hints of duplicity.
They fought their way along a speeding train, solving morbid puzzles that even saw them unchaining coffins on an open flatbed carriage. And as they leapt off and sprinted away, the train exploded – a genuinely spectacular moment. Historian David Olusoga, intensely intelligent and analytical, argued himself into yet another wrong choice. He was so persuasive in his arguments that Joe was a Traitor that it seemed true – even though we all knew it wasn’t. Right till the end, he couldn’t credit Alan with such villainy.
(Wouldn’t it be a fantastic twist on the format to conceal the identity of the Traitors from the viewers, too? Thirteen million viewers would go out of their minds.)
Over four seasons, including this Celebrity version, The Traitors has proved itself the most addictive format on televisio
Over four seasons, including this Celebrity version, The Traitors has proved itself the most addictive format on television
Cat, at 25, is young enough never to have seen a steam engine before. When she was banished by a vote of three to two, she looked about to cry.
In a new tweak to the rules, she did not reveal as she left that she was a Traitor.
What sank Joe was his English politeness. ‘I’m sorry,’ he said to Cat as he cast the vote that dumped her out of the game. And that made Nick suspect he’d just seen one Traitor cut the other’s throat.
Joe’s shock when David voted for him was nothing compared to his sheer disbelief when his ‘100 per cent “Hundy” Faithful’ friend Nick joined the others in voting him out. ‘It hurts to be stabbed in the back at the last minute like that,’ he wailed. In a candlelit room, gathered around a miniature firepit on the table (usually the game ends around a fire outside, but perhaps it was raining), they stood, with their hands clasped, as though this was a dark magic ritual, with Claudia as Count Dracula.
Alan did look tortured as he realised he was finally going to have to own up. ‘I’m so sorry. It’s been tearing me apart,’ he said, collapsing in sobs as the other two hugged him and reassured him, ‘It’s just a game!’
But he did win £87,500 for his charity, supporting children with neuroblastoma cancer. ‘All that lying, all that treachery, it was worth it,’ he gulped.